Trauma

Trauma

MOMS & DADS

Seen, Heard & Valued

I was in a season where I was aware that the words coming out of my mouth were critical and sharp. I am not typically one to hold a grudge or offense for very long, but it was like I was constantly calling out the bad. Little things like the man who cut me off, or the person who didn’t use their blinker, or the lady who didn’t return her shopping cart. Once I said it, I let it go but it bothered me that I even had the eyes to see it. They were things that should not be requiring my energy or time.

I became so aware of it that I told the kids I would pay them $1 every time they caught me being critical. But it only seemed to increase.

I finally met with my friend who is a professional counselor and asked her what in the world was the problem that I could not control my critical words. She said something to me that not only changed my life and set me free but became a KEY that I have used with others for their freedom.

She said, “Shame HAS to blame” and began to introduce me to the profound effects that shame has on our mind, body, and soul. Shame is so toxic to our existence that it kills, shuts down and robs of us of our God-given abilities. Shame is like acid. By blaming others (my critical words) it was releasing some of the toxicity. It was survival to manage the shame. I HAD to blame. The goal, therefore, was not to manage the release of the shame but to resolve the shame once and for all.

Thus began a several month-long journey of discovering the root of the shame and how to release it GOD’S WAY.

I created a ten-day online experience for others to join me on the journey of loving yourself deeper, wider and more passionately than you have been loved before.

This is a self-guided class at your own convenience. You will watch a video teaching and for the rest of the days, I provide activities and exercises to do based on the video teaching. The second week focuses on how to raise children to be proactive so they never have to find themselves again down the road.

As an ASCEND member you can enroll in this self-guided class at no additional charge.

At check-out use coupon code: ASCEND
Coupon is only good for ASCEND members and may not be shared with others.

ISIAH 61

Years ago, I was beginning to see that I had an Isaiah 61 anointing to bind up the brokenhearted and set the captives free. I remember telling God, “I will help people, but please do not ever bring me the people who have endured _____.” I felt overwhelmed in ministering to people who had that much trauma. I wanted the ‘little cases.’ I remember God teaching me that I was overwhelmed because I did not know my authority in that area. If I wanted to grow in helping people, I had to grow in my understanding of WHO I am, which comes from WHOSE I am, and once that was settled, I would be able to walk in the authority He has given me in that area to help people. This principle applies to each of us in our lane and calling.

I am prophesying to myself when I say WE WILL GAIN THE KEYS OF HEAVEN TO HELP OUR CHILDREN OVERCOME WHAT THEY HAVE ENDURED THIS PAST YEAR. THE FEAR WILL BE BROKEN IN JESUS NAME. THE FEAR OF GERMS AND DISEASE WILL BE REPLACED BY THE POWER TO HEAL SICKNESS AND DISEASE. CONNECTION AMONG THEIR PEERS WILL BE RESTORED STRONGER THAN EVER. THE FEAR OF MAN WILL BE SILENCED. THE FEAR OF IMPENDING DOOM WILL BE EXPOSED AS A LIAR. PURITY WILL REIGN IN THEIR MIND AND BODY. THEY WILL BE S*XUALLY STABLE. THEY WILL WALK IN GREAT AUTHORITY BECAUSE THEY HAVE TASTED THE OTHER SIDE, AND IT IS NOT SATISFYING. THEY WILL THROW OFF EVERYTHING COMING AGAINST THEM TO HINDER THEM AND WILL OVERCOME WITH THE KEYS AND STRATEGY OF HEAVEN TO BE THE LIGHT TO IMPACT THOSE AROUND THEM.

As a spiritual mama, I plead the blood of Jesus around our children’s minds, bodies and spirits and call them forth to walk in the design and calling they were knit together for by the Creator of the world. I bless them in the name of Jesus to rise up, come out from under the world, and learn how to walk in the Kingdom on earth. Holy Spirit, fill them with Your love, power, and presence. Lead them, convict them, speak to their hearts, and show them Your way.

RELEASING GRIEF

So much grieving happening all around us. From sickness to death to transition, many are finding themselves in a season of deep grief.

**The video stops abruptly at the end, and I chose not to re-do it. Grief in the Body – YouTube

 

 

SHADRACH, MESHACH, AND ABEDNEGO

God ministered so deeply to my heart over an event that left some residue that needed some attention. My heart had forgiven, my soul was at peace, and my mind was clear, but there was something deep inside of me that wanted to play it safe. I was talking about it with my mentor, and as a good mentor does, she asked the right question, which led to a pocket of tears. She asked if I needed to ask God something, and I wanted to know why He left me in the fire for so long. I honestly thought at the time that I was being taken out and was not sure I would rise again. If I had to give a word picture, it felt like driving down the road and, out of nowhere, encountering a mob of 50 men with clubs and baseball bats. The spiritual warfare was something that I had never experienced before. I instantly got a picture of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, and my mind wandered off of the story. Do we think they came out of the furnace celebrating? Cheering? High fiving? I am not sure. They were being put to death for not bowing down to the king’s operating system of worship. They stood their ground, and it was going to cost them their lives. They did not go through the fire knowing Jesus was going to walk with them and keep them safe and that their testimony would go down in the Word of God for all generations to see. They went into it willing to die for their convictions. It was a traumatic experience. They endured the fire with their mind, their body, and their spirit. I think they came out weeping over the heat of the furnace, seeing the face of death and the reality that if God didn’t show up, it would have killed them. My mentor felt led to break off a spirit of trauma that was lingering over the event. A spirit of trauma likes to attach itself to real events, but once the event is over, it creates fear or unrest that it will happen again, so the believer shrinks back and plays it safe. If you have endured an “If-God-doesn’t-show-up-I-am-going-to-die” testimony and sense there is greater freedom from the events, ask Jesus to show you if a spirit of trauma needs to be dealt with.

ABBA FATHER

Teaching our children how to communicate with their Father is a lifeline in today’s world, especially for children going through trauma and heartbreak. WHY? Because the enemy loves to whisper lies to them.

“Daddy left because you didn’t clean your room.” “Mommy is mad because you are too much.” “No one loves you.” “Daddy doesn’t love you.” “Something is wrong with you.”

Children who believe these LIES will act them out in behaviors that will be perplexing to you. It is pain coming out sideways, which usually frustrates a parent who only pushes the pain in further by their reaction. There are some owies that only Jesus can reveal.

We want our children to know His truth.

You are loved all the time. You are worthy. You are enough. You are important. You are wanted.

When we usher our children to their Father’s voice and His truth, we are throwing them a life raft.

I have a resource called Conversations with Our Creator that I want to gift to you. Click here to order and use coupon code: Hear4you. In this eBooklet I will equip you how to hear your Father and how to teach your children how to hear Him, too.

This is not a one-time teaching but a lifetime of going after strengthening your child’s spiritual hearing!

HELPING CHILDREN OVERCOME TRAUMA

Trauma – a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.

Think for a moment about your child’s life back in 2020. Perhaps it wasn’t perfect, but within a short time, your child was thrown into a whirlwind of being home 24/7. Not being able to see friends or go out to the park, learning without peers, sitting in front of a computer, many faced hours alone as their mom and dad still worked. Some went without food, increased sibling conflict, missed birthday parties, felt fear all around them, not being able to go to church or their favorite store, and then the anger and violence that was unleashed in nearly every city. Most adults can’t comprehend all that is going on, much less a child whose brain isn’t fully developed. Folks, this is trauma. Add another layer of what was released in the atmosphere and the paralyzing fear, worry, and anger that slimed people without notice or warning. Kids feel it too.

While I am not trying to create a doomsday post, there is a reality that this past season has been brutal for some children. The events themselves do not bring damage to children. How adults respond to trauma can make a challenging event a lifelong wound. Your role is KEY! #1. Know your child’s love language and fill it DAILY! Five minutes of intentional “I see you” can fill their heart. #2. Connection – Talking, engaging, asking questions, hugging, smiling, listening, etc. Merely hanging out 24/7 is not the same as actually connecting to their hearts. #3. Joy releases a chemical in our brain that increases our will to fight and endure hard things. Dance parties, giggles, wrestling matches, dinner in the living room, tickling, being silly, special treats, dancing on the bed, or splashing in the rain. Your child NEEDS joy!

I know it is hard to give when you are enduring the same battle, but your response in this hour matters. Help children overcome by filling them up with love, connection, and joy, which are heaven’s tools to overcome. 

Validation – recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile. Validation is not trying to move someone out of their space but giving them permission to be where they are at.

It is saying things like: “I am sorry that _____.” “It is not okay that _____.” “It makes me mad that_____.” “You didn’t deserve that.” “That must have been so hard when_____.” “Man, that stinks!” “You are so much more than that.”

FEAR OF JOY

I want to share with you one of the most significant revelations I have had in my parenting. It was a game-changer and altered everything within my family structure. Every home we lived in happened to have an open floor plan where the dining room, kitchen, and living room were a large space. The kids were young and closer in age and would begin running from one end of the house and zoom around each room, chasing each other. I am a fun mom. I can handle flying Nerf gun bullets, stepping on the pile of Legos, forts in the living room, and messes made from hardcore playing. But when the kids would zoom in and out all around me, it was like I was fine one moment, and a millisecond later, I was not. I would immediately shut it down and redirect them to something quiet and still, like a movie. There was a season that I honestly wondered if Holy Spirit was whispering in their ear, “Start running,” because it seemed like that was all they did from sunup to sundown, and it was driving me crazy. I was just about to step in when I heard the Lord say, “What are they doing wrong?” I vividly remember responding out loud with, “I do not know, but I do not like it.” That little exchange was like a tap on the shoulder, and I realized that maybe, just maybe, this was not their issue but mine. As they continued, I would sneak into my room and process my heart. I was hearing giggles, joy, and sibling connection, yet my heart was filled with anxiety. I began to see that my response was not matching my reality. I was becoming more and more aware that something deep inside of me was not at peace, which affected my parenting that was shutting them down and redirecting them, and I hated it. I hated feeling so much unrest. I hated not feeling in control. I hated that I had to redirect them so that I could feel at peace. Every time they would start zooming around, I would remove myself and process my heart, which took nearly six weeks – six weeks of laying down my tools of control to keep myself comfortable and six weeks of being radically uncomfortable. Finally, I got the revelation as to what was happening in my heart. God asked what I was feeling, and I said, “Anxious.” Anxious? Why on earth would I be anxious when my children were laughing and connecting? And suddenly, I got a mental picture of my childhood. My three siblings and I were close in age too, and whenever our joy or play began to get ‘out of control,’ one of us would be beaten or shut down. I am not sure which was worse, being beaten yourself or the powerlessness of having to watch your siblings. I began to cry. I could still hear their giggles in the other room as my deep anxiety was being released through the wave of emotions. I heard God say, “When your children are full of joy, you get anxious that one of them will get hurt, so you shut it down to protect them,” but the sad thing is that they are not in danger. It is ME who needed to know we were safe, not them. I got set free that day from the fear of joy.

Had I continued to use my authority to control my children to keep my heart feeling safe, I would, in essence, be teaching them that joy is not acceptable, not through beating them but by shutting it down each time. THIS is how our unresolved issues affect our parenting, and we swing so far to the other side of the pendulum. Jesus is our center and wants us anchored in freedom and wholeness. The deep, life-altering revelation that God gave me is that while I am older, wiser, and more capable than my children, God knit them together, not in MY image to be molded and shaped into a little me, but in HIS image and He uses them to reveal, heal and restore what was lost in ME so I can become more like HIM. I am the adult, but God is my Parent, and He uses my little ones to parent me ALL THE TIME. Now when I want my children to cease zooming all over the place, I am able to use my parental authority as God has directed in peace, not from a place of control and needing them to change their behavior so that I could feel comfortable. There is a world of difference. 

Your turn – What is the biggest and most consistent trigger you experience in your parenting? Go ahead; it’s okay, take a risk and know that you are not alone in your parenting journey of becoming more like Him.

IDENTITY STABILITY

 Let’s talk for a moment about the process of isolation and lies as it pertains to sexual instability.

When a child faces sexual abuse or emotional trauma it affects their mind, body, AND spirit. After the event is over the door remains open in the spirit realm, which is why many never fully recover despite therapy or counseling. It is common for childhood sexual abuse and emotional trauma to be confusing to their underdeveloped brain. Sometimes the child deeply admires the one doing harm, and it confuses their heart. They love the person but dislike what’s being done to them. Other times a child is confused by the way the abuse made them feel. I am not saying a child liked being abused as their spirit is aware it is not okay, but sometimes the child values the attention being given and it confuses their mind. They associate affection and attention, a God-given need, with something that is twisted and unpleasant. The confusion and lack of clarity bring isolation and shame (something is wrong with me). If someone of the same sex violated the child, a spirit begins to influence the child giving them ‘evidence’ (lies) that they were created differently. It is essential when helping children process molestation, abuse and emotional trauma that we close doors in the spirit realm, as well so that the enemy no longer has a legal right to influence, harass and mentally torment.

Often people who struggle with their sexual identity will say they knew since they were at a very young age of their preference, yet a human body is not sexually activated until puberty. I, however, fully believe people who give this account of their journey because the enemy isolates and then whispers lies to children ALL THE TIME and their sexuality is not exempt. I believe it is a primary target of the enemy simply because of the profound isolation and shame it brings to the core of one’s existence. Never before have we seen such an epidemic of people struggling with the way they were born.

I have ministered to men who grew up in homes where their mom was so abused by the men in her life, she had a bitter judgment against the entire male race. Her son’s sexual identity threatened her, and she would attack anything masculine. The isolation is paralyzing for a young boy who doesn’t understand why being a boy is wrong and unacceptable to his own mother. The enemy isolates and then whispers the lie, “You should be a girl,” “If you were a girl your mom would love you.”

There is a girl who grew up in extreme emotional trauma (isolation) and would have paralyzing nightmares. She would go to her mom in the middle of the night shaking. Her mom would allow her to come in her bed, but she had to rub her back to stay. The girl began to believe that being comforted meant touching/affection with someone of the same sex. A friend was raped by a teen girl when he was just four years old (isolation). It opened the door in the spiritual realm to be harassed and tormented. He grew up with an unhealthy interest in private parts which was the evidence (lie) that he was born gay. He grew up in a home where his dad was physically and emotionally abusive (isolation), and when he was in the 3rd grade, a teacher called out in front of the whole class, “You will grow up to be a gay,” and then proceeded to instruct the entire class on what that meant (shame). From that day on, peers changed his name to a girl’s name.

If children aren’t taught by parents who they are created to be, the world around them will. Countless times I hear the story of a child who is born with gifts and talents that are different than the expectation of the parent such as a boy with a music talent or a girl who doesn’t like dresses and they are taught something is wrong with them (isolation) for their likes and interests. In isolation, the enemy whispers lie about their true identity. Their ‘evidence’ (lies) is that they must be born that way because they can’t deny their love and passion for their gifts and talents. This is inferior parenting, not something wrong with the child.

Many of you know my story where my mom asked me my entire childhood if my dad ever did XYZ in the name of sexual abuse. She never told me he did but asked me, putting the burden of discovery on my shoulders. The isolation of those thoughts tormented me every day of my life for nearly twenty years. It gripped me so deep, death was my only relief (lie). As I have walked out this journey, God revealed nothing happened with my dad. It was a lie. I began to process with God how in the world could a mother do that to her own child. What He showed me is PROFOUND. I pray that you have eyes to see what God revealed to me.

My mom had unforgiveness in her heart towards my dad through their failed marriage which is always an open door for the enemy to influence, but my mom saw a sexual spirit ON me, and the enemy put 2 and 2 together, but his math was wrong. My mom honestly believed my dad did something, but what she was really seeing/feeling was that I was exposed to porn from a neighbor and a sexual spirit was attempting to influence me through the shame of what I had witnessed. I was a girl who needed to be protected from that spirit, but because of the unforgiveness in her heart, the enemy influenced her with a lie that nearly cost me my life – literally.

The above story about the young boy who was raped by a teen girl is another example. The teacher SAW the sexual spirit on him, and because of his own heart, the enemy helped him to put 2 and 2 together that he must be gay, but the truth was HE NEEDED HELP! That precious boy was being abused and was in profound emotional pain, shame and isolation. He needed to be protected in private, not exposed publicly. He needed love, not shame; community, not isolation.

When Christians demand behavior modification when someone is struggling it only brings more shame and isolation. At the same time, I think the greater pain is when Christians move into apathy claiming, “We just need to love like Jesus.” It is NOT loving to hear the stories above and leave someone in their confusion, isolation or pain. It is not loving to accept the band-aids of those who have endured mental torment at the hands of the enemy because of what others have done to them. It is not loving to reject, nor it is loving to tolerate. Love looks like embracing those in our community who have walked through isolation so profound that the enemy has lied to them about the core of their existence.

The reason why this is such a heated issue between Christians and the gay community is that it IS a spiritual issue. We have failed to equip the Body with tools to help CHILDREN who are being sexually abused and in emotional trauma (isolation) and have only pushed in the wounds deeper by ignoring their experience and demanding they change their behavior. This breeds children who grow up to judge and rebel against those who failed to help in their time of need. 

HeartWork – I want you to crawl back into the story of the young boy who was raped by a teen girl and how the teacher responded. Ask Jesus to show you a picture of His heart for that child. Let Him align your heart to His.