Teens

Teens

DON’T DISMISS TEENS

During our JOURNEY online parenting class, I encourage parents to teach their children certain aspects of Kingdom living. Often, a parent will respond with, “My youngest will be excited about this, but I am sure my eldest will not,” “My son would never do that,” or “My daughter will resist.” I have to say this is prophesying the wrong kingdom over your child. They haven’t even tried yet and you are already declaring that your child will not be open. I lovingly point that out to them, which often turns into a follow-up message down the road saying, “I had no idea just how many times I declared lack over my child,” “I am so convicted that I have begun to prophesy and speak life over them,” and “I am seeing such a difference.”

Proverbs 18:21 – “The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.” If you are being convicted that you have done this, I encourage you to confess it to Jesus, repent and then break any word judgments or curses you have spoken over your child. “Jesus, I confess that I have declared that my child _____. I ask for Your forgiveness for speaking lack and orphan mentality over them. Do You forgive me? (Watch and listen to what Jesus says/does). I break agreement with the words that my child _____ and nail them to the Cross. I declare my child will _____, in Jesus’ name.”

COVERING YOUR TEENS

Two of my teens were working through some big things. It caused us all to find a new way of responding and relating with each other. They aren’t five years old anymore and need to be given the space to manage things on their own, even if it means they are waffling a bit. It’s challenging for me at times. God woke me up quite early, and I snuck out of bed to spend time with Him. I heard Him tell me to pray for the kids, but I got this sense I was to sit outside their bedrooms. I grabbed my worship music and AirPods, sat in the dark at 4am outside their bedrooms, and just prayed in the spirit. I began seeing things affecting them, weighing on their hearts, and I felt an overwhelming sense of compassion for them. I asked, “God, how come I haven’t seen that before?” and heard Him say that I so often expect the kids to come into my world – my agenda, my schedule, my teaching, my instruction, my leadership, etc., but haven’t been very good about crawling into their world. UGH! I repented! And then prayed like a mama bear for her children.

DRIVER’S SEAT

I had the following vision: I was in the passenger seat while Hudson was driving. He was starting out and very nervous. We went on a very busy and narrow road and drove extremely slow, causing other drivers to get upset and speed past him. I told him to pull over and let the cars pass, but he got nervous and pulled off too quickly, almost causing an accident. He was so nervous simply because it was a new experience for him. A police officer pulled up behind us, and I immediately said, “I will handle this,” and got out of the car. I approached the officer defending my son. The police officer saw me as a threat and drew his weapon. It was a very serious situation. When the vision was over, I was a little startled by it. I asked God what He wanted me to know and heard this: #1. You are not in the driver’s seat of Hudson’s life – he is. #2. You are not the one in final authority – He is. I knew God was showing me that I had overextended my involvement in his life (in a particular area) and was motivated by a lack of trusting God with my son. I repented.

RAGING HORMONES

I get so much joy when parents send me messages like this while taking our parenting JOURNEY class.

“This morning, I was in a hurry to get to a meeting at work. Everyone was doing well with the before-school jobs except my eldest son. I yelled at him down the hall to hurry up, or he had to walk. Then as I was packing lunches, I remembered yesterday’s lesson and that I was supposed to listen and not dismiss. So, I packed his bag and let him get ready without getting on his case. We made it to school, and I had just enough time to make it to work on time… but my son stayed in the car. I thought, ‘OK, breathe and listen.’ I asked him what was up, and he explained what was upsetting him but didn’t understand why he was so upset about it. I felt God remind me he is ten and starting to go through changes. So, I said, ‘You are growing up and getting more hormones, and sometimes those make you feel things bigger than normal. You may not understand everything you feel.’ He looked at me wide-eyed and said, ‘That makes so much sense.’ We prayed, and he went off feeling better. I went to work, and we ended up starting the meeting late anyway.”

Can you imagine how this son felt leaving the car that morning?

PARENTING TEENAGERS

May I make a suggestion? When your child is doing something that you feel isn’t wise, google Scriptures around that topic and then instruct them, “I would like for you to look up (verse) and come talk to me about what you think.” My teens have been more convicted on their own by reading the Word than my lectures.

I’M BORED

When an older child says, “I am bored,” they are often saying, “I am starving for connection,” so giving them a list of chores doesn’t always meet the need but drives the isolation deeper. Partner with Holy Spirit when you hear your child declare, “I AM BORED,” to see if they are really crying out for healthy connection.

I WAS WRONG

For years I have engaged in a battle with my son about waking up. Consistently he is late for family devotions and brings chaos to the breakfast table as he scrambles around late and flustered. We have purchased more alarm clocks that I can count, tag team going in his room to turn on the light and snap at him to wake but to no avail. It happened again and I issued strong consequences letting him know that taking responsibility for getting himself up on his own at his age is a MUST! But then I walked out the door for meetings and something gnawed at my heart all day. Finally, I asked Jesus to show me what He saw with my son, and I gasped. All these years I have treated Hudson as if it were a character/lazy issue. Jesus showed me it was not ill character at all but that his body literally needed more help moving from deep sleep to awake. My eyes open between 3-4AM and I jump out of bed ready for the day. God showed me that my son is physically wired differently. My mama’s heart was crushed that I had accused him for years of being lazy when it was in fact that he physically could not help it. It made my heart so sad that he was so misunderstood for so long and how lonely that can feel. I had a big mess to clean up.

I stopped to get his favorite wings and texted him asking for a mom/son date. As I sat down, he said, “What the occasion?” And I began to tell him how I missed it, was wrong and how sorry I was for not understanding him better. I asked him, “Does love to you look like spending more time helping you wake up?” He welled up with tears (from years of being misunderstood) and got a massive smile on his face and said, “Yep!”

Parents, we were never supposed to know it all and have it all figured out. We love our children fiercely but are NOT the ones who created them. Parenting was always supposed to be a partnership with Him, not for Him. 

I am so excited to wake him up!!!!!

TEEN BOY BRAIN

Teen brain is a real thing. Teen boy brain is a very real thing. I asked Hudson to write down five things he wished everyone understood about boys his age. Here is his unedited reply.  

That most of the dumb things that I do aren’t on purpose. 

Just because I was involved in the conflict doesn’t mean that I am the one who started it. 

Be slow to anger. 

Just because I did something wrong, don’t push me away.

Guys have feelings, too, so don’t ignore them.

I AM A CHRISTIAN

I heard from a wonderful guest speaker from Sweden who shared this glorious testimony. A young man took a photo of himself in a sassy pose and made 50 copies which he hung all around his school. The caption said, “I am a Christian. Ask me why!” Kids would come to stand by him to whisper, “Tell me why.” He later said, “That was the best thing I ever did!” Jesus ignites a boldness in our children’s hearts to be the light for those around them.

TEEN BRAIN

Teen girls have been fairly smooth sailing for me. When emotions are big, I feel confident in how to respond and help them. Teen boys, on the other hand, have refined me to my core. I love my son dearly, and connection with him is important to me, but I have been challenged to remain connected to him while he is finding his way. As a mom, I have full awareness that I cannot fully bring him into manhood and learning how to do this dance has been interesting. Parts of this season with him have made me feel so inadequate, weak, and even worried. Yet it has made me all the more dependent upon the Lord in a new and fresh way. I was crying out to God for strategy and help when He told me to tap into the incredible men around us who have more wisdom and knowledge than I do in this area. I was blown away by their insight and surprised by how similar their responses were. Men really do hold keys to a young man’s heart. 

This is the text I sent to a handful of men: “Hello! I am asking a couple of men who I trust for some feedback. Hudson is 14 and clearly shifting seasons. I am sensitive to these changes and want to grow in supporting him and become all that God has for him, even if the male brain and wiring are not my norm. Would you be willing to give me insight on the following questions from your perspective as a dad but also from when you were his age? What is something he really NEEDS at this age/stage? What is one of the worst things a mother could do at this age? What could I do as his mom to affirm his need to pull away and become his own individual? Any additional thoughts? I sincerely value hearing and learning how best to parent him! Lisa.”

Here are their responses loaded with empowerment and rich wisdom:

  • Taking risks that come with a belief he’s no longer a boy who needs protection (even if it looks completely immature or unnecessary to others). This can manifest by personal style or something as simple as going places without supervision. You might see a potentially bad outcome, but he might have to experience the process to understand where his limits are apart from what you wisely believe (regardless of the outcome). These can be reasonably compromised at times, but if he perceives that what you are always saying is “No, because I as your mother know better for you,” that can actually fuel his desire and become his concrete “I’m surely going to do this now.”
  • I remember when I was his age. My mom was somewhat overprotective, but she (and my dad) had laid a good foundation for me. That foundation was a good inner compass for me. Hudson has a good inner compass. He won’t go off the rails. His desire is for good.
  • When I was 14, I needed more independence. There were structured activities I found that in, like youth group. There were unstructured activities I chose to do too, hanging out with friends, running & mountain biking etc.
  • Boys & men process differently to women. Sitting down and talking about feelings is not natural for us (mostly). It is a learned skill. We tend to process through action. Emotions at this age are at extremes. It’ll pass and normalize.
  • Constructive projects were good for me. I worked for my aunt and uncle who owned land. I managed the land, fixed fences, drove tractors, repaired country roads, etc. Directed outdoor physical activity was healthy for me. Sports do the same thing – something physical with concrete results at the end.
  • Sometimes I failed. I had a bad group of friends for a short season. My inner compass told me they weren’t good for me, so I eventually drifted away from them. Bad decisions and failure are part of growing up – it’s part of adult life too! But I needed the freedom to choose, to fall and to know that my family would always be there for me when I fell. But, like Proverbs says, I rose again. I rose wiser. Hudson has a good inner compass, he’s loyal; he’s motivated towards compassion. He won’t go far wrong.
  • Shaming a boy for things that are out of his control as he navigates the insecurity of becoming a young man who truly thinks he knows what he’s doing. He might not feel embarrassed at all about something until you make it so for him because you are projecting.
  • Express how deep your love is that you can choose to believe he will be alright because that is how amazing a person he is. He has the freedom to not be all right (and not worry that it would cause you greater worry if he’s not) because if that happens, you will be there unconditionally to love on him through that too.
  • I am where I am today because someone called out the gold in me at a moment I nearly threw my future away at his age (and it’s only in hindsight I realized I would’ve thrown my future away). Pray that no matter where he goes, God will encounter him in somebody if he finds himself in a dark moment where a poor choice seems like the right one.
  • Also, he views authority as an obstruction. Part of the discovery is learning how working apart from authority can get him to a far point, and then realizing how authority actually serves as a foundational tool through which he can go much further.
  • Lisa, I would say the biggest need that I had at his age is validation. I needed to hear, “You have what it takes to be a man.”
  • Celebrate who he is as a young man becoming a man. And how he is wired differently than the girls. 
  • I see you already know and are doing this “grace in the poor choices/failures.” One thing I do is ask what they learned from the poor choice/failure then I know as a dad they are learning, and it is then easier for me to extend grace.
  • Boys really need a voice they admire to affirm their identity. A strong male they look up to who they know is for them and can speak into who they are. Girls seem to need many voices and relationships to feel “validated.” Boys just need one good one that isn’t their dad. Hudson will pick this person without realizing it. What you can do is be praying for this guy and then ask him to accept the responsibility when you figure out who it is.
  • Boys Hudson’s age start wrestling with their dads because they need to know how they measure up. It’s partly to see where they fall in the pecking order and it’s partly to satisfy their need to conquer things. As you’re able, find things Hudson can conquer. Camping, building things, ax throwing, whatever. He just needs things he enjoys that he can find success in accomplishing. I think a lot of guys misuse this aspect of being a guy but it’s a God-given feature that guys have. We were designed to accomplish things and to derive satisfaction from overcoming obstacles. And equally important is learning our limitations. It may sound weird but getting your butt kicked teaches you that you can’t do everything. Boys that never learn that turn into tyrants and bullies.
  • When I was 14 going into high school, I was very insecure and didn’t know how to feel. I needed a man to impart manhood to me and teach me/show me the process of how to feel. I needed a healthy mentor whom I could share anything with without judgment and could give me honest feedback. I needed questions asked of me as to what I wanted to build my life to be and taught how to be responsible and accountable for my life and given the opportunity to do so. I think it would take multiple fathers to provide these things (teachers, pastors, coaches, etc.). Also, I wish I was pushed to continue sports for the physical outlet and the comradery.
  • I needed to be empowered to make decisions and own the outcome no matter what it was, and the worst thing a mother could do is to ignore/micromanage/enable me in that process.
  • I think a good thing for a mom to do is to connect emotionally (probably accompanied with an activity of some kind because one-on-one can be difficult at that age). Connect emotionally would look like asking questions with no agenda (seek to understand) and ask how you can help get him where he wants to go. Challenge him to create goals and partner with his goals.
  • I think a boy at this age needs to know what it takes to be a man. I think a big part of that is able to accomplish tasks and overcome challenges. Success probably feels like being able to “win,” but I think deeper it’s about being able to prove on the outside that there is actually a “winner” on the inside. If he is eventually meant to be a protector and provider, he needs to be confident in his ability to accomplish. Healthy challenges and help identify needs and navigate disappointments, keeping identity intact when he makes mistakes in stepping out.
  • The worst thing a mom could do at this age is to stop comforting and affirming him. He still needs it, but you may need to do it differently. He’ll never stop needing to be fully seen.
  • One way to keep connected as he is developing a sense of self-sustainability could be to invite him in to help solve or accomplish tasks that you have. Ask his advice for stuff, create a way for him to accomplish something for you. Let him know the things he has done to meet your emotional and practical needs.
  • Do what you can to also have him around healthy men that he can observe and do things with and be affirmed by. Only a man can tell a boy that he’s a real man.