Conflict

Conflict

I AM SORRY

I am passionate about the languages of love! But do you know there is also a language of how you need an apology spoken? Nothing is worse for me than someone saying, “Sorry!” It actually makes the offense worse for me. We have a family of FIVE, and there are FIVE languages – one for each of us. It has been challenging to speak someone else’s language, but it has allowed us to be more like Jesus in the process. I encourage you to have your family take the test, print it out, and discuss the results.

The Apology Language Quiz (5lovelanguages.com)

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION

To teach your child about the powerful use of their tongue, go to a thrift store and buy a fancy but cheap plate. Spread out a sheet/blanket outside and as you raise that plate to the air and proceed to smash it to the ground, call out the words you hear your child speak. “I hate you,” “Leave me alone,” “You are stupid,” “I don’t like you,” “I don’t want to be your friend,” and then sincerely say, “Oh whoops, sorry!” and ask them to put the pieces back together again. They will be dumbfounded as they know it won’t be able to go back together again. Explain that our words can shatter a person’s identity and worth (it actually doesn’t change their worth, but one’s ability to receive and believe it). Even when we say sorry, the damage is already done.

FIGHTING KIDS

How would you answer this question? “When my children fight, argue, and yell, I feel _____.” Siblings are going to have challenges because it is part of their training ground in learning how to respond to others in love. HOWEVER, if you are being triggered every time they have conflict, you will only add to the chaos. They need a loving parent to step in and teach and train them how to resolve their issues, grow and mature in areas and how to increase their love for the ones God has given them to care for. 

CHURCH AND INTIMACY

This is going to sound really odd, but what if the intimacy we are all craving is found in conflict? I am not saying we should host a create-your-own-conflict party and see how messy everyone can be. I am saying that the conflict is already there, and it is what we do with it that becomes the issue. What if instead of just having an inner healing team that helped people with their issues, we had a CONFLICT RESOLUTION MINISTRY that helped the choir director with their issues with the youth group leader? Or the children’s pastor and the mother? Or the head pastor’s wife and the janitor? What if those places of conflict became the greatest places of intimacy-producing healing? What if instead of walking around pretending to get along, we actually did get along because our relationships, even our conflict, sharpened us, refined us, and made us more like Him? I was connecting with a friend starting a church plant, and I asked him, “What are you going to do with the conflict?” He replied that he knew it would be there, BUT… At this point, I interrupted him and suggested maybe it was time the church did conflict as the main event instead of preaching a good talk but never learning how to walk it out in reality. No one has to tell a church leader about conflict any more than a parent is aware of sibling conflict. In conflict, there are two healthy solutions – allow the pain and discomfort of the present situation to reveal what inside you needs to be healed and aligned with Him OR allow the pain and discomfort of the present situation to make you more like Jesus as you learn to love people who are challenging, messy and wounded. The people who have hurt me the most are the ones God has used to bring greater healing. They aren’t the enemy, the devil is, but as promised, God uses it for good.

FAMILY DETOX

It never ceases to amaze me how things like a family vacation, school breaks or holidays, etc. can cause a breakdown in the connection among siblings. It is easy to want to partner with scolding them for being so selfish, but the reality is they need HELP staying connected in different circumstances. I found myself putting out little fires between this one and that one, that one and this one. Finally, one morning I called a family meeting and had them close their eyes. I prayed and asked everyone to listen. “Jesus, has anyone in this room hurt, offended, or taken from me?” Every hand went up. I led them to forgive that person. I then walked through, “Jesus, is there anything I need to forgive ______ for?” and I went through each person’s name. I then asked, “Jesus, is there anyone in this room that I need to ask forgiveness for?” And every hand went up.

We walked through being humble and owning the ways we have hurt others. It generally isn’t the big things but rather the little things that build up over time. I shared with them that if each person had to forgive for two things, times the five of us, that is TEN hurts or offenses between us, and I had them picture a ball of yarn like a spider web between us that the enemy can use to pull and influence. We want to take out our spiritual scissors and cut the strings through forgiveness. The JOY and peace that come from these family times are tangible. I don’t want forced connections and fake smiles. I want my family to genuinely have love and care for each other, and sometimes we have to go after the little foxes of offense that are ruining the vineyard.

Video – Family Detox – YouTube

Podcast – Family Detox by Lisa Max – Let the Children Fly! (anchor.fm)

JESUS IS OUR PEACE

Ephesians 2:14 – “For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility.”

This word is in reference to the Jews and Gentiles and the relationships of the five-fold ministry, all working together, not divided. If this verse is for nations and opposing people groups, SURELY, it is applicable to our families as well. Next time you have two sibling groups that are walking in disunity and conflict, show them this verse and remind them that Jesus is their peace and He has destroyed the inability to work together!!!!!

GOING TO GOD ON YOUR OWN

My kids were all taking turns being upset and offended with each other. I finally called a family meeting to discuss and eventually left the room, giving them instructions to ‘work it out.’ An hour later, I came back to find a greater mess. It was not only unresolved but worse. I told each of them to grab their HEART SPLINTERS book and their journal and go process with the Lord. I told them to ask God to show them what page to read and let Him guide them. I went to check on them and found this: One child was deeply convicted over how mean they had been to her sister for something she did last week. They were holding onto offense. One child was crying, realizing how she had lacked kindness and felt bad for the way she was hurting her sibling. One child said, “God told me to look at page 72,” and it was the very issue they were having with their sibling. Another child said they were punishing their brother because they were mad at their dad for something (profound). 

Parents, I cannot encourage you strongly enough to purchase a copy of HEART SPLINTERS – Resolving Childhood Owies in Childhood for your own parenting tool belt but also to walk your children through the pages and teach them in the times of peace that Jesus has keys and solutions so that they can use them in their time of need. Children are hungry for the tools of heaven to be the answer and solution to what concerns them!! Buy one for your teen and usher them to encounter Him in their pain and process. 

Heart Splinters BOOK – Let the Children Fly

GETTING YOUR TANK FILLED

I don’t wait, hoping and praying someone sees me to fill my love tank. I know when my tank is feeling low, and I intentionally put myself on the path to get it filled up. We can teach and empower our children to do the same. For example, when there is a conflict between two siblings, I often bring up their love tank. They almost always say it is feeling low. I encourage them on how they can go after getting it filled up in healthy ways that promote connection and peace rather than by acting out as an orphan, which only pushes people away further.

DRAINING THE LOVE TANK

My friend Amber shared: “Holy Spirit gave me insight into my three kids and showed me that sometimes there’s a disconnect with my oldest because I am judging her. He showed me how her new school overwhelms her, how she feels like I’m not listening to her, and that one of her love languages is acts of service, so the ‘bossiness’ and constantly asking for this or that is her way of connecting.”

CONNECTION FIRST

In conflict, comfort must come before correction. Parents and leaders make the mistake of being teachers when people really need a nurse.