How else will your child learn how to relate to their future spouse, boss, or friends unless they are taught? The day-to-day issues between siblings are your God-given training ground to equip them. The conflict can be used for good when you see it as an area in which they need help growing.
How else is your child going to learn how to relate to their future spouse, boss, or friends unless they are taught? The day-to-day issues between siblings are your God-given training ground to equip them. The conflict can be used for good when you see it as an area in which they need help growing in. Most children do not have an issue with feeding or dressing themselves because you have done a great job at teaching them how to do it. You assisted them, gave them lots of grace, coached them, and encouraged them, and now they (and you) are bearing good fruit in these areas. The same goes for character training between siblings. How many of us have heard about the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman? Have you ever considered how a child feels when their tank is overflowing? Or running on fumes? This tool alone will radically change the temperature in your home. Show the kids what a magnet is and talk about the force that it carries. They won’t be able to see it with their eyes, but it’s there. Then show them how a magnet works. When you put the two right ‘loving’ sides together, there is a PULL for more. But when you put the wrong ‘unloving’ sides together, they push apart.
In the days to come, when there is conflict, lovingly approach them with your magnets in hand and explain that they are releasing something that causes others to want to pull away from them. Is that what they really want? Show them that they can flip the situation by choosing love to draw them in rather than push them away. Have each child take their own online quiz. Print out the summary and then call a family meeting to share how each person needs their tank filled. This isn’t a one-time teaching but rather a lifestyle that is cultivated by sowing into it daily. You can also sign up for their weekly newsletter, which will provide you with simple creative ways to speak each language each week. Your child NEEDS to know not only their own language but their siblings. When a child is aware of their needs, it makes it a lot easier for them to get their need met in a healthy way. Say their language is quality time, and yet they haven’t invested any time in their family. They are going to feel disconnected. Love tanks aren’t something to just passively let others fill. We can intentionally put ourselves on the path to be filled up. They can be doing things that encourage their needs to be met.
My two children who have the most conflict is the one who has the language of words and the one who is a strong leader. The way she often speaks hurts his heart, and then he reacts. As annoying as this is at times, it is most excellent that one can learn to guard his heart and not give his peace away so quickly, and the other one, who will lead many, gets to learn how to do it in love. Many times, when there is conflict in my home, it is because their tanks are low with each other. While it would be so much easier to separate the two ‘offending siblings,’ what they REALLY need is connection. When I see this is an issue, I will ask the child what their sibling’s love language is (if they honestly don’t know, you have more teaching to do). Then I ask, “What have you done to love them in the past 24 hours?” The answer is generally “nothing.” So, if the real issue was their lack of connection, I would help walk them through ways they could reconnect based on their love languages. The older they get, the more I solve sibling issues this way than anything else. Disconnected kids act out in ways that create connection, even if it is unhealthy. The child bullying or trying to get a reaction out of their siblings is most likely crying out for connection but doesn’t know how. I am equipping my children to change the world around them, and the issues between their siblings are my training ground to shape them into dynamic humans who know how to walk in love, honor, and respect because they have been TAUGHT.
My youngest two have always been super close; however, they have been snapping at each other a lot. I finally sat them down to dig deeper. It was obvious that one of them was carrying some hurt, but they didn’t know what or why. Not a problem, Jesus knows! Psalms 139 tells us He can search our hearts and reveal things to us. So, we asked Jesus to shine His flashlight into her heart. She started crying and said that during Christmas break, she asked to play with him on numerous occasions, and he told her NO (I assume it was because he was busy playing with his new toys). She took this very personally and has built a wall around her heart with him. I could have disciplined her flesh for snapping at him, but her flesh wasn’t the issue – her hurting heart was. As soon as Jesus revealed the truth of what was going on, she could forgive and be free from the hurt that was agitating her heart.
What happens when the tanks run low? While everyone will experience an ebb and flow with their love tank when a person, especially a child, runs on a low love tank as the norm, it can open them up to greater issues and wreak havoc on the growth of their mind, body, and spirit. A low tank makes them susceptible to the following: Isolation – physical, mental, or emotional; Negative words that stick; Unhealthy choices; Orphan behavior – begging and striving; Acting out (negative attention is better than none at all); Aggression; Anger; Building walls to protect their heart; Disconnection; Miss the healthy training ground with siblings; Feeling unsafe; Taught to conform to someone else’s expectations.
When the tanks are filled on a regular basis, it creates an environment where: They are safe and protected; Can try new things without the fear of failure; Negative words roll off their back; Are free to be careful and joyful (a child’s nature); They are seen and heard; Trust you; It is safe to be themselves; Deep sense of belonging; Have the courage to do brave things; Increase the will to overcome and endure.
The Word says if you have EVERYTHING (money, fame, status, awards, a big house, a perfect-looking family, IG followers, Pinterest-worthy snacks, A+ students, fancy cars, leadership titles, etc.), but have no love, you have NOTHING! Love matters because God designed our heart, mind, and soul to need it. May your parenting be defined by what matters the most – L-O-V-E!
It never ceases to amaze me how things like a family vacation, school breaks or holidays, etc. can cause a breakdown in the connection among siblings. It is easy to want to partner with scolding them for being so selfish, but the reality is they need HELP staying connected in different circumstances. I found myself putting out little fires between this one and that one, that one and this one. Finally, one morning I called a family meeting and had them close their eyes. I prayed and asked everyone to listen. “Jesus, has anyone in this room hurt, offended, or taken from me?” Every hand went up. I led them to forgive that person. I then walked through, “Jesus, is there anything I need to forgive ______ for?” and I went through each person’s name. I then asked, “Jesus, is there anyone in this room that I need to ask forgiveness for?” And every hand went up.
We walked through being humble and owning the ways we have hurt others. It generally isn’t the big things but rather the little things that build up over time. I shared with them that if each person had to forgive for two things, times the five of us, that is TEN hurts or offenses between us, and I had them picture a ball of yarn like a spider web between us that the enemy can use to pull and influence. We want to take out our spiritual scissors and cut the strings through forgiveness. The JOY and peace that come from these family times are tangible. I don’t want forced connections and fake smiles. I want my family to genuinely have love and care for each other, and sometimes we have to go after the little foxes of offense that are ruining the vineyard.
Video – Family Detox – YouTube
Podcast – Family Detox by Lisa Max – Let the Children Fly! (anchor.fm)
The sense of belonging is something we all crave. It was given by God to Adam and Eve but lost when they exited Eden. God gives us families who know us intimately and provide a safe place where we can grow and learn. When that safety or trust is broken – physically or emotionally – it affects our core need to belong. Sibling relationships are where children get their greatest sense of belonging, so guarding this connection is important. When there is a conflict between two siblings, the enemy whispers, “You do not belong,” and a child who believes they do not belong will act like they do not belong. Explain this and ask if they have ever felt like they didn’t belong. Share a story from when you were a child and felt that way.
In the days ahead, when you hear siblings being rough and unkind to each other lovingly, go to them and ask them, “Are you communicating to your family that they belong?” “How can you speak to them in a way that assures them they matter?” I often say to my children, “You can express yourself in a way that doesn’t make them feel like they don’t belong.”
When my four children were toddlers, I scored big with a large trash bag full of Beanie Babies. While they brought so much joy and fun, it often ended with tears. I began watching them interact. The girls would line up their favorites, giving them great affection. Hudson would have his in a big pile and would grab one making it pounce on each and every one the girls had so perfectly lined up. They would cry. Beanie Babies were put on the shelf for a while because this same scene always played out. I began to realize that neither party did something ‘wrong’, but that boys and girls play differently. It was not about finding out who was the offending party but teaching them how to interact with their differences. By God’s design, girls and boys are different, play differently, and respond differently. I have told the kids countless times that, yep, it might not be easy to figure out how to interact with a brother/sister but that it was their training ground for future relationships, their spouses, future children, etc. Someone doesn’t have to be ‘wrong’ in order for God to teach us through their differences.
In this issue, we are going after SIBLING CONNECTION! Siblings are God’s built-in training ground to raise solid, kind, and fruitful young adults to care about the world around them. We also have a special section JUST FOR DADS in this issue that you don’t want to miss!
Have you taught your children about love? We can’t expect what we do not first teach in times of peace. I love what this mom shares in our class. Have each family member take the online quiz, print out the results, and spend time talking about what each one looks like.
“It was so helpful for our family to discuss and identify together each other’s love languages. I’m excited to see how God will use this understanding of how we individually receive love to grow our relationships with one another!! I want to be intentional about daily having this awareness of filling my children’s love tanks in a way that speaks to them.”
Is sibling conflict breaking out in your home? It did in our house, and I AM SO GLAD! I am keeping our days moving by having a balance of rest, school, and movement. I got two of them settled on a project and took another for a brisk walk with the dog. While coming back inside the house, I could FEEL strife and knew there was conflict. My daughter came to me sobbing, telling me how she was mean to her sister and pushed her. Her tears were massive, and she was fully repentant, confessing her wrongdoings. I told her she was indeed wrong and that a consequence was appropriate, but that life was pretty hard these days, and I wanted her to spend an hour in her room alone processing and giving her heart a voice to herself. She is my easy-going, always smiling, glass-is-half-full child, and her heart needed to get real – life IS challenging right now. I moved to the other child involved, who flashed this massive smile across her face as I approached her. She did not know that I knew about the conflict. I asked how she was doing, and she said, “Great.” I said, “Really? How can you be doing great if your sister just pushed you?” and she burst into tears. I instructed her too to go into her room and spend an hour giving her heart a voice. She not only lied to me but herself. I went to her after a bit, and she began to unpack how her sister doesn’t like her and has been rude and disrespectful to her for days and that her heart was hurting. I went back to the offending child and asked what was going on, and she, too, broke down, telling of pains and hurts that have been piling up between them.
