THEIR ISSUE OR MINE?

THEIR ISSUE OR MINE?

  • Heart Splinters, Hurt In The Church

THEIR ISSUE OR MINE?

Imagine you are in your car and stopped at a light. The car in front of you is your teen driver. You start hearing a loud sound and wonder if it is the engine rattling. You veer off to the side of the road and call a tow truck. You wait for hours for them to show up and then invest another several hours at the auto repair shop waiting for your turn. They say nothing is wrong with the car, but you have to pay for the towing, mechanic’s labor, and diagnostic testing. What a waste of time, energy, and finances.

So what was the sound?

It was coming from the car in front of you.

They did not veer off and stop to get it looked at. Failure to fix what was wrong and continuing to drive on it caused even greater damage extending to other parts of the engine that were dependent upon the engine to work properly. The domino effect of not addressing the issue causes greater expense of time, energy, and finances.

Friends, this is a word picture for what happens in the Body.

Did you hear the noise coming from a vehicle? Yes!

Did you discern something was wrong? Yes!

Did you do what it took to take care of your own vehicle/heart? Yes!

But you failed to ask Jesus to show you if it was their issue or yours.

We waste our time and get worn out when we assume an issue is ours. We must ask Jesus to show us when we feel, discern, and experience things if this is coming from us or others. I can’t tell you how many parent coaching sessions I do with people who have been in the mechanic shop waiting and waiting to figure out what is wrong with them, only to have Jesus show us it was something going on in the other person.

Here’s where we miss it.

If it was the car in front of you, they need your help! Focusing on yourself and trying all sorts of self-diagnostic testing gets your eyes off of the assignment in front of you and puts it back on you.

If what you are discerning, feeling, and experiencing is coming from the person in front of you, they need:

  • Your love, kindness, and grace
  • Your authority over the issue declaring it defeated and resolved
  • To be reminded of who they are (they aren’t a broken part but called to be fully functional)
  • Prayers for the root of the ‘rattle’ in their lives to be revealed and dealt with
  • When appropriate, a conversation to help them to hear it. Not everyone can hear their own ‘rattle.
  • Your wisdom and guidance on how best to solve the issue.
  • To know they aren’t driving alone but have someone following them (or in the passenger seat) to help them on their journey
  • They don’t need your judgment, accusation, and condemnation

Stop doubting yourself. You are hearing, seeing, experiencing, sensing, and discerning something because something is there. While we always want to be humble and let God examine our own hearts, sometimes you are on assignment to help the person in front of you. How you choose to respond significantly impacts how much damage that person’s ‘rattle’ will cost them and affect others.

ANGRY OUTBURSTS – SAD, SCARED, LONELY

Has your child had increased outbursts of anger? This can be a very challenging thing to parent because of the mess anger can make emotionally and with connection. However, I encourage you to ask Holy Spirit to give you eyes to see what is UNDER the anger. Typically, under anger are the emotions of being sad, scared, or lonely. If you can ask Holy Spirit to show you, you will be able to minister to their real heart instead of just managing their behavior. 

P.S. This isn’t just for kids!

HURTING HEARTS

Testimony from our JOURNEY class: ”I am so thrilled about the class and already see breakthroughs in our family, even though I am just learning. Today I heard both our girls, ages 4 & 5, crying and being upset at the same time. After hearing that one said ‘Eww’ to a song the other was singing, she ruined the floor puzzle they had been building. I explained that they both hurt each other’s hearts, and they told each other how they felt. Then I had them apologize and ask for forgiveness. One apologized, but the other refused. Not sure what to do, I asked her to draw a picture of how she felt. 2 minutes later, she returned with a picture of an upside-down heart and a regular heart. She said her heart felt upside down when she didn’t say sorry and that it felt right when she did. So, she went right away and apologized. All was well once again! I was pretty amazed that is how she felt when not apologizing! Anyways, thank you, Lisa, for sharing your experiences and journey and what you’ve learned with Holy Spirit. I can’t wait for more breakthroughs with Him.”

YOU ARE ENOUGH

When you can’t receive God’s truth about you and partner with the lie, “I am not enough,” you will think that you aren’t enough and then act like you aren’t enough. When you act less than enough, your children get the fruit of a parent who isn’t enough – two generations in one with a single lie. Rise, dear one, and reject whatever feels, sounds, and looks true and walk in what IS true. You ARE enough, not on your own, but because He lives inside you, and you are His. Ask, “Jesus, will You please show me who taught me that I am not enough?” Forgive that person for teaching you a lie about your worth. Write out the words, “I am not enough,” and then rip it up, shred it, burn it, flush it, stomp on it, crumble it, toss it. Whatever you need to do to prophetically tell that lie, NO MORE! Then ask, “Jesus, will You please teach me about my worth and value that was inherited when I decided to follow You?”

EXPOSING FEAR 1/3

While fear can be an emotion, more times than not, it is an actual demonic spirit and needs to be addressed. The enemy loves to take an event, even innocent ones, and whispers lies that feel true to the emotions based on circumstances. When we partner with the lie, we activate a demonic spirit of fear to influence us. It looks like this: Mom and Dad go on a much-needed date (normal) and leave the child with a sitter (normal). The child is uncertain about being left (normal), but in that uncertainty, the enemy whispers, “They are never coming back” (lie), and the child partners with that thought as their own, and now fear has a legal right to be there. While the parents return as promised, the lie remains because it opens something in the spiritual realm, not just in their physical minds. The next time date night rolls around, the child is tormented at the thought of being left alone. This is why kids are still afraid of certain things despite telling them the truth over and over. The battle isn’t just in their minds (lie) but is now a spiritual issue. This is why parenting is a verb, and we need to be active in helping our children with their spiritual lives. Lies are resolved through TRUTH. Fear is resolved through AUTHORITY.

TRUTH-BASED PARENTING

Ask, “Jesus, what lies am I believing about my parenting?”. I am fairly certain I know your response. No, I am not a mind reader, but I do know that the enemy throws out these seeds to all parents, hoping to get us to partner with them because it may feel or sound true. The lie you believe about your parenting most likely sounds something like the following: I am ruining my children. I am not enough. My child will grow up to hate me. I do not have what it takes.

Friends, the enemy is a liar, and you ARE enough. Not because of you, but because GOD gave you your child, and He trusts Himself to work all things out (even your shortcomings, wounds, and messes). When a parent partners with this lie, he is taking out two generations in one because a parent who believes they aren’t enough will act like they aren’t enough. If you struggle with the lie that you aren’t enough, are ruining your child, or don’t have what it takes, write the lie out and destroy it (burn it, trash it, shred it, stomp on it, flush it or rip it). THEN ask, “Jesus, what is Your truth about my parenting?” The next time the enemy throws that lie at you, counter it with what Jesus said.

CLING TO RIGHTEOUSNESS

I walked through some deep betrayal years ago and wrestled it deeply with God. I had this mental picture of Jesus holding both of us on His lap, and it made me mad. This person brought me so much turmoil and pain, and I didn’t like the fact Jesus loved them so much (this isn’t my true heart, but it was a moment in my processing the pain). I finally called my mentor because it was making my heart feel unsafe with God. How in the world could He love someone who has brought so much pain? Her response was brilliant and literally shifted something so deep within me. She said, “Lisa, you do not fully understand the picture. God loves this person just as much as He does you because He created them, but God is only on the side of righteousness, and this person isn’t choosing righteousness.”

It wasn’t a matter of whose side God was on as much as it was who was on His side. It was like my hands opened, and I dropped whatever offense, pain, or fight I was holding onto and clung to righteousness. It altered decisions and outcomes dramatically. The question is not “Is God on my side?”. The question is, “Are you on God’s side?”.

I AM SORRY…

Is your heart caught in a cycle of saying “I am sorry” over and over from a mess you made with your children? I ministered to a mom who said with tears streaming down her face, “I will beg my son for forgiveness for the rest of my life.” I told her that needed to stop and that I wanted to help her resolve that once and for all. While the world would tell her she messed up and made poor choices, I see it differently. She is a product of choices that her parents and grandparents made. She did not have the language or tools to discern what was going on in her world. She needed drugs and alcohol to escape the torment and pain. I don’t think that is a bad mom. I think that is a mom who needs help becoming a Daughter. When we make messes with our children (we all do) and partner with the accuser, we wallow in guilt and condemnation. We then come to our children in a bent over, broken, pathetic, insecure way that only makes THEM feel unsafe. We are teaching them that mistakes are fatal. We need to be modeling for them grace, forgiveness, and connection even when we are at our worst. I coached this mom on how to forgive herself, and then I taught her how to minister to her son’s pain. Yes, he suffered heartbreak because of her choices (he was taken away when she was in jail), but IN THAT PLACE is where we get to show them who Jesus is. I coached her on how to begin to have conversations with her son that mistakes do not equal rejection or abandonment. Just like he gets time outs for his choice, mom had hers, but Jesus never left him. This mom who is becoming a Daughter just got reunited with her son full-time! If you think about them, pray for them as they continue to walk this out – together!

MISTAKES WITHOUT SHAME

I remember the day I made a big parenting mess. My reaction was strong, and the child’s crime did not justify the response. I was triggered and knew it. Normally situations like that would take me days to overcome all of the shame and profound guilt. My mind would spin about being a terrible mom and how sorry I felt for my children. I felt so inadequate raising them, knowing I was on my own journey. Nothing cripples a mama more than feeling like she is negatively affecting her own babies. But I remember the day well. I made a mess, and this time I could give myself compassion and grace. Yes, I needed to confess my behavior to God and ask my child for forgiveness, but this time I did not go down the rapid river of shame. Instead, I stood my ground in being repentant – admitting wrongdoing – but not condemning myself. I was able to speak to my heart gently and not full of accusations. I could be humble that I was wrong without beating myself up. It was glorious. It was the day I experienced making a mistake without shame.

LEAD LIKE A MOTHER

I invited a gal to join me for the classes I was leading and knew she was hungry to serve and minister, so I looked for ways she could take steps and grow. She has a fierce prophetic anointing mixed with a breaker anointing. When she would give people words, she was so direct it was offensive. Thank goodness the people received from her okay, but I saw this and realized she could really hurt someone if she didn’t see how it was coming across. The following week we met for dinner before class. I thanked her for joining my classes and blessed the gift God has given her. I gave her positive affirmations, as there was much to point out that she was going great at. I said, “Would you be open to some feedback?” At that point, she was like a wet noodle having someone see and believe in her. I said, “I really love the way you hear God and have the confidence to share it. You see it so clearly and aren’t afraid to call it as you see it. When you said _____, it could have come across like you were exposing them and making them feel vulnerable in front of others. I would love to help you come up with ways you could say it to make sure the person can receive from you.” She got emotional and said that her whole life, she has encountered speaking the truth and people turning on her. 

Look, as a leader, either you love them enough as God’s sheep to help them grow mighty in their gifting, or you don’t. If there are parts of you operating in fear of man, fear of rejection, fear of conflict, or simply do not know how to give the gifts of a mother or father, then you need additional encounters with the Father so that you can increase your capacity in leading well. But to remain in a leadership position and refuse to help His sheep is like a parent who fails to train a child in an area they are struggling in. You can either do it in a proactive, loving way that communicates care about their growth, or you can clean up the mess later when they have hurt others because you failed to address it. This isn’t about doing it wrong. It is about helping them to do it right. I tell parents not to wait until their child sees porn to teach them about it. Help empower them so that the door is never opened. Help people in their gifts, weaknesses, and blind spots in the time of peace so that it doesn’t turn into a time of strife or conflict with others down the road.

INFECTED SPLINTER

Testimony from our JOURNEY class: “This class is so valuable. This key lesson on heart splinters alone is worth it all! This was where I got lost as a child and was walking in darkness as a teenager. I needed someone to see the inflamed and infected splinter in my heart and help me pull it out. I am working on not partnering with shame or condemnation for my own parenting mistakes, as well as seeing my parents as humans who were also scared and hurting when they parented me.”