There is only ONE perfect Parent, and His name is Father God. He created parenting and is the original Father. Everyone all falls short but is invited to PARTNER with Him. This really is excellent news. You don’t need to walk under the pressure of perfection, which means you can enjoy your parenting journey.
A mom recently asked me what to do when her child has to face hard things that are outside of her control to change. We talked for a moment about how to keep our children safe, but then I introduced her to what I have called ‘touchpoints.’ Touchpoints are those places where two places touch each other. The one end is our child’s need, lack, or hard circumstances; the other end is heaven’s tools and strategy. When the two of them touch, it no longer becomes just the hard or challenging circumstances but where our child gets strengthened, equipped, armed, and empowered to overcome, grow, conquer and become victorious. While I may not be able to prevent every negative thing that comes their way, I surely can give them the tools of heaven to win the battle. Where is your child enduring hardship, lack of pain? How can you, as their parent, equip them in that area with the tools of heaven?
It is a LIE that you are ruining your children. This is like a child saying they will never graduate from high school because they messed up naming their colors. It is a process – a journey! God gave you children to align, fulfill, and heal something deep inside of you. He longs to parent us through those aches, pains, and triggers. The enemy wants you to freak out and think you are ruining your children, but the truth is, as God reveals, He heals, and that actually profits your child because you are cleaning up the messes in your family line and not passing them onto them to clean up.
Your children are knit together in His image but with you in mind. Who can relate to this mom’s journey?
“This was definitely a deeply emotional lesson. Lots to pray over and be still and quiet to let Holy Spirit speak and to let the Lord heal. But this lesson hit me to my core – I absolutely know that the Lord sovereignly entrusts us with the specific children He has planned for us to have – and for us to be their parents. Our Father does not make mistakes, and ‘random’ is not of His character. And I can very clearly see exactly what the Lord wants to teach me through each of my children and their unique personalities… but I needed this reminder, as I had lost sight of it. It’s such a beautiful picture when you keep this wisdom at the forefront. These children are gifts that the Lord has sent to grow me and to draw me closer to Him.”
I believe in honoring my leaders and being part of the solution instead of just opening my mouth to tear people down. HOWEVER, there are some public people who are not making me feel very safe or relaxed. Their words are fear-producing. My go-to in this process has been whenever I read, see or hear something that ignites worry or fear to STOP, take that thought captive and begin to declare who God is over that person. I have a mental picture of certain public figures who feel big and scary, but they are like two-year-olds to God. I declare over this person that while they may be really LOUD right now, God is not moved by their need to control.
Psalm 118:6 – “The LORD is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?”
Psalm 146:3 – “Don’t put your confidence in powerful people; there is no help for you there.”
Give it a try. Instead of picturing certain voices as BIG, picture them in relation to GOD!
In preparation for a speaking engagement I sensed Holy Spirit wanted me to ask the kids, “What would your life be like if you loved Jesus, but couldn’t hear His voice?” This list surprised me just as much as it will you. This is in their own words and behind every word is a testimony and story of them hearing His voice.
“Life would be… hard, hurts in my heart, stay offended, bitter, very fearful, unkind, unconnected, lonely, lack of favor, unforgiveness, anger, aggression, scared, broken relationships, pressure, controlled, orphan spirit, more sickness, less creativity, bored, less adventures, hopeless, discouraged, rejected, struggle in school, trapped, believing lies, embarrassed, ashamed, forget things, nightmares, no honor, bullied, lack of confidence, difficulties, no hidden treasures, sad, heartbroken, exposed to bad things, lack of protection, lack of wisdom, no encounters with His presence, unsafe, lack of provision, couldn’t be used, powerless believers, lack of peace…”
I cannot love this testimony anymore! A mom was trying to be super intentional to keep her daughters spiritually fed during C-19. They were going to a co-op group, but the girls were bored to tears and begged to stop going. The mom then tried another Christian group, but the leader’s daughter was super controlling, and the girls felt like it was more about the girl than Jesus and did not like feeling used and mistreated each week. The daughter finally came to her mom and said, “Can’t we just please do Awana at home as a family?” YES!! There is indeed a time and place to gather corporately, and we learn and gain things in community that are vital, but that does not need to replace the power of the home and feeding our spirits together.
Why not create a once-a-week FAMILY TIME? Let it be a time of worship, soaking, journaling, giving prophetic words to each other, praying, declaring, discussing important topics, going on a hunt to find people to love, creating skits, or understanding certain Bible passages.
Testimony from a mom taking our online Kingdom parenting class: “I never thought of teaching them this young. I’m inspired as I know it would be so good for them. Let’s see what Holy Spirit does. I’m determined not to plan the outcome.”
What I LOVE about her response is that she went into it full of faith that Holy Spirit would show up and do His part and that she didn’t need to control or force the outcome. This is a perfect recipe for God to show up in our living rooms. #1. An intentional parent willing to teach their child. #2. Have faith that He cares more about encountering the child than you do! #3. Willingness to go with the flow and give Him room to move.
Every resource I have created came out of the fruit God first birthed in our lives. I am passionate about seeing moms and dads walk in greater freedom because you will parent out of that place. I hear all the time that parents long for someone to stand over them and champion them. While spiritual mothers and fathers are profound, you do not need to wait to find this person to meet your needs. In fact, God not only sees your need but wired you to have your need to be seen, heard, and valued met TODAY!! It is crucial for parents to be watered deeply so that they can parent out of a heart that is full and secure.
Give me ten days (10 minutes a day), and I will walk you through not only how to get those needs met but how to water your children so that they don’t have to live a life of lack and emotional wandering. Moms & Dads – ONLINE CLASS – Let the Children Fly
FIRST – When an issue comes up, you must ask yourself, “Have I taught, trained, and equipped them in this area?” That means, have you proactively taught them how to handle disappointments, the difference between right and wrong, how to handle when someone else wants your toy, or how to respond when someone is being unloving before the conflict? These things require intentional parenting in times of peace. This is where you get to cuddle, connect, go on dates, have family meetings, etc. You get to fill up their love tanks by connecting through intentional teaching with Mom and Dad. Much of the early toddler years are spent doing this very thing – some days without ceasing! It is the heart that says, “Hey, son/daughter, I have something to show (or teach) you.”
SECOND – Look for opportunities in real life to apply the thing you are trying to teach. This is where the training part comes in. You practice, practice, practice with real-life situations. Will a 2-year-old master self-control in the first week? Nope! You will be an intentional parent for 18 years and will need to teach and train them in the area of self-control in every stage of their life. Perhaps with a 2-year-old, your training subject will not be getting the toy they desire. When they are 10, it will be about completing their homework each night, and perhaps when they are 18, it will be having self-control with the opposite sex. These character traits should be something we build upon as they get older.
THIRD – You now have a foundation upon which you can build. Say you have already laid the first and second part of the foundation in the area of self-control. Now, when you take them to a meeting where they need to sit quietly, you can pull out that teaching and training to prepare them for what you expect from them. You can begin role-playing in certain situations. I would often park the van at the grocery store parking lot to do a quick family huddle about what was expected and how we could proactively use the skills I had just taught them. Here’s what it would sound like: “Hey guys, who wants dinner tonight? Okay, we are going to go into the grocery store for food, not toys. Hudson, will you get the door for us? Lauren, do you want to push the cart? Emma, will you be my big helper and put the food in the cart for me?” I am now leaning into the skills that I have taught them and cashing in on them. I am building us all up for a successful shopping trip. We are all doing our part while we are connected and creating fun family memories versus an unfruitful and frustrating experience for all.
LAST – When a foundation has been established, THEN you can add discipline, such as time-outs, consequences, removing privileges, etc. Can you see how confusing it would be to a child when parents keep disciplining them for the ‘NO’ behaviors but never spend time teaching them what IS acceptable? You could say it looks like this:
- An issue arises that you want to see a change in (every family will be different on this).
- Proactively teach during times of peace, using it as a connecting time to get to their heart.
- Now coach them by role-playing that issue in real-life situations.
- Look for opportunities where they can proactively apply that skill.
- Discipline is now appropriate if the child chooses not to use the training you have established for them.
Here’s another real-life example: Let’s say you are shopping, and your kids are touching everything, running crazy, and having a meltdown for a new toy. You have a few options. You can: #1. Conclude your children aren’t old enough for an outing to the store, and thus put the burden on yourself to either pay for a sitter or go late after they are in bed. #2. Get mad, yell, scream, and then feel awful! OR #3. Teach and train your children what it looks like to have self-control at the store. I heard a story of a mom who was so fed up with her grocery trips that she sat her kids down and explained to them what was required. Then every single day for an entire week, they would go to the store, not to buy anything, just to walk up and down the aisles so the kids could practice! That mom is now reaping the tasty fruit of grocery shopping in peace. Oh, did you hear that? What was the Kingdom of God again? Righteousness, peace, and joy! What is a specific area you need to intentionally go after in teaching and training your child?