PARENTING GOAL

PARENTING GOAL

  • Connection, Heart Splinters

PARENTING GOAL

Children who are full of fear, anxiety, and emotional hurt, who believe a lie or feel afraid, can act that out in mean, rude, and inappropriate ways. Just because a child does certain things doesn’t mean the solution is always discipline. Sometimes the solution is a hug, alone time with you, a special date, a positive word, or to be seen. God’s GOODNESS leads us to repentance because He looks beyond our messes and sees what our heart really needs. Perfect behavior should never be the goal in parenting – their heart should be!

40 YEAR LIE

 A lady in her 40’s was so paralyzed by groups that she would not attend classes, go to Bible studies, church, restaurants, or anywhere else where large groups gathered. Finally, she could not take the isolation anymore and began seeking help. When they asked Jesus to show her the first time she felt paralyzed by a large group, she recalled the story of when she was just three years old and remembered feeling loved and secure with her large family. They were at her house, and there was a lot of excitement and love, but on a particular day, when she walked into the room, they all hushed really quickly, and she could tell that something was wrong. They all just stared at her, and the silence was paralyzing and awkward for her. For years the question, “What is wrong with me?” haunted her. Jesus showed her that the family was in town for her surprise birthday party and that they were all discussing how they would surprise her. When she walked in, they all got silent, not wanting to ruin the surprise.

Doesn’t that story break your heart? ONE lie for FORTY years! But this is what I want you to see – when the heart splinter (in this case, a lie of “what is wrong with me?”) entered, it was the PARENTS who surely saw a change in their daughter. You cannot believe a lie like that and not have it change how you think, feel and act. Had the parents been empowered to help her, the splinter could have been pulled in childhood.

SOBERING REALITY OF PARENTING

When my daughter was 10, she was working through being honest with her heart. She would often have tears in her eyes but a smile on her face. I could tell something wasn’t right and that she was dealing with something heavy, but she always told me she was ‘fine.’ One night, we went for a family walk, and the smile on her face didn’t match the heaviness all around her. After the walk, I sent everyone inside and sat with her on the driveway. I told her that lying, even to herself, is still a sin and that the truth sets us free. I was not prepared for what she was about to tell me. She told me that she had been battling thoughts of suicide for the past year. It started as a foreign thought, and she took it captive, but the thoughts kept coming back again and again. Each time she dealt with it knowing it was a lie, but she was getting overwhelmed by the rapid rate at which the thoughts were coming to her. My baby girl was battling the same thing I did as a child, and I felt so overwhelmed with guilt that I had opened the door and paved the way for her struggle. I was dumbfounded, felt paralyzed, and was crushed. I knew I needed help processing it, so I called a mentor friend and asked her to come over. I cried through an entire Kleenex box, and she just listened to my sobs. She finally responded and said, “Lisa, it doesn’t work that way. You HAVE repented and closed the door to suicide. She isn’t struggling because there is a legal right of the enemy. The enemy throws the lie out to anyone who will listen. She discerned it was a lie and was dealing with it. She never acted on it, and it came to light tonight.” I learned a very sobering reality about parenting that night. Our children have an enemy and must learn how to fight their own battles. They do not get a ‘get out of jail free’ card just because you have overcome your battles. They have to pick up their sword and fight for themselves. Of course, our freedom makes it easier for them, but they have the same enemy and must be taught how to overcome it with the tools of heaven. We need to be teaching our children how to: hear God’s voice, discern the enemy’s lies, renounce the lie, and ask Jesus for His truth.

THROW IT OUT

 When my kids were little, we would play a game of ‘hot potato’ where we would stand in a circle, and I would toss a beach ball to one of them. As I threw the ball, I would make a statement, “You are kind,” and they had to grab the ball, discern if it was a truth or lie, and then throw it back to me, declaring which one it was.

“You are wanted” – TRUTH

“You are ugly” – LIE

“You belong” – TRUTH

“You are stupid at math” – LIE (math might not be their strong suit, but they are not stupid).

I was teaching them that not every thought they have, or words spoken over them are the truth. In fact, some of them are downright LIES and can be thrown out. Little did I know back then just how profoundly it would shape them as they got older. They are so quick to grab the thought, discern it (generally because it feels awful), and then toss it back out. Jesus tells us to take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5)! Grab a ball today and teach your children to discern what is a LIE and what is TRUTH.

BOYS AND GIRLS

When my four children were toddlers, I scored big with a large trash bag full of Beanie Babies. While they brought so much joy and fun, it often ended with tears. I began watching them interact. The girls would line up their favorites, giving them great affection. Hudson would have his in a big pile and would grab one making it pounce on each and every one the girls had so perfectly lined up. They would cry. Beanie Babies were put on the shelf for a while because this same scene always played out. I began to realize that neither party did something ‘wrong’, but that boys and girls play differently. It was not about finding out who was the offending party but teaching them how to interact with their differences. By God’s design, girls and boys are different, play differently, and respond differently. I have told the kids countless times that, yep, it might not be easy to figure out how to interact with a brother/sister but that it was their training ground for future relationships, their spouses, future children, etc. Someone doesn’t have to be ‘wrong’ in order for God to teach us through their differences.

ASK THEM

Ask your children this question and privately share their replies with him. “Hey, kids, what is the one thing you want most from your dad?” Then have him ask the kids about you.

CONNECTION OVER BUSYNESS

Testimony from a mom: “I have a memory of my mom in the kitchen, having her back turned against us and doing dishes. My dad, brother, and I were in the living room chatting, eating, and watching TV. I realized God was showing me a lack of connection with my mom. My mom was a busy homeowner taking care of two young kids while caring for a huge extended family. I always yearned for some time with her (later on, I learned that my love language is quality time). God showed me that He wants me to connect with my children by spending time with them. The sad truth is that I spend a lot of time cooking, cleaning, and just taking care of a family. All the chores weigh me down, and I can’t seem to find time for them. God is shining a big flashlight in my heart and my past to let me know that He wants me to put down my chores and spend time with my children (my older one’s love language is also quality time). Thank You, Jesus, for showing me this.”

BAIT OF SATAN

John Bevere has an outstanding book called, The Bait of Satan, which talks about how Satan baits every believer with offense and how, once we bite the bait, he has a legal right to influence that situation. This is a serious issue that believers need to gain control over, as offense has the power to destroy much when we open the door. For example, I had a mental argument with someone (and winning, I might add), and the moment I stopped that argument, I began arguing with someone else in my mind. I realized that the spirit of offense was present and was attempting to cause me to become offended. So I renounced it and regained my mental peace.

HOT POTATO

John Bevere wrote a book called The Bait of Satan, and it is just that, a bait. Someone does something that causes us to be offended, and we nurse it until it becomes a wildfire spreading to our mind, spirit, and body. We open the door to the enemy through his bait of offense. I gathered the kids, and we played a round of ‘hot potato’, where you catch the ball and throw it as fast as you can, pretending it is a hot potato so that it doesn’t burn your hands. Laughter broke out, and then I switched gears and explained to them about offense and how we can feel offended, but God wants us to be super quick to let it go and toss it back to Him, just like the ‘hot potato’ game. I have been able to cash in on this teaching over the years and remind them, “Hey, remember the ‘hot potato’ game? If you choose to hold onto this offense, it will cause greater hurt. Do you want to let it go?”

CHILDREN AND OFFENSE

An offense is when we feel we have been wronged and hold onto it. While an offense can be truth-based (the person really was rude, mean, or violated our rights), when we hold onto it, the poison harms us, not the one who did the offense. I played the ‘hot potato’ game with the children and explained that the hot burning potato was the ‘offense.’ Just because someone throws it at you doesn’t mean you have to catch it, hold onto it and carry it around with you. I encouraged them to get it off their hands (heart) as fast as they can, just like a hot potato! The cool thing about an offended child is that, in most cases, there hasn’t been time for it to develop into bitterness or a bitter root of judgment. When a child is offended by someone else, they will clearly show you, as an offended child will not speak well nor desire to be around that person.