OUT OF CONTROL CHILD OR HERO?
I was really hurt by a friend years ago. I had to see this person week after week, and they were not kind. It is super challenging to be in Church and up front doing ministry when someone has an offense against you and won’t let it go. I finally went to a spiritual leader and asked for help. He said, “Pray that she radically encounters the love of the Father.” Can I just admit that I was taken back by his counsel. Really? Pray she gets blessed despite the ongoing pain she has inflicted on me? I wasn’t sure I was that mature or even loved her enough to pray that. He said, “Lisa, the reason why she is hurting you so badly and acting so immature is because she has not encountered the Father in that area of her life. Pray that God’s love washes over that part of her so that she can become a Daughter.” I began to pray that prayer, and we were soon reconciled.
Prayer works. And it is a powerful thing when you partner with God and pray based on the things He allowed you to see and experience with others. You start going into the heavenlies on their behalf and intercession on their behalf – you do warfare for them. You declare healing and victory over them.
I was coaching a mom whose daughter was believing lies about herself. When the mom asked her to ask Jesus, she said, “I don’t hear Him speaking to me.” The mom went on to say she hears Him well when she worships and isn’t sure how to help her ‘hear.’ I encouraged her to have her daughter take the statement she believed about herself and turn it into a song. If it was life-giving, brought peace, and one that people would sing at Church, she could be assured it was a true statement about herself. If the church wouldn’t adopt her song, neither should she. Oh, baby girl, your spiritual ears work just fine!!
I love testimonies from our Kingdom parenting online class: “This lesson is so timely! Today my daughter passionately refused to do her family contribution (chores), which is so out of character for her. I couldn’t put my finger on the real cause. As I was reading the lesson, Holy Spirit reminded me of the hurt she incurred at school today from her teacher. Wow! What a different night we would have had if I had dealt with the REAL issue – the heart splinter!”
Our brokenness becomes bittersweet when it is the catalyst for crying out for more of Him.
I was talking with a mom about others using the tools of control and disempowerment in parenting, and she burst into tears. She realized she was guilty of using them with one of her children and her heart ached, realizing how she had been negatively affecting her child. This is my WHOLE point in doing these posts on disempowerment. The issue rarely lies with the one being disempowered but the one doing it. Parents/leaders use these tools because something else is going on inside of them that makes them feel like they need to protect themselves. Nothing controls and pushes back someone further than disempowering them because it renders them powerless. It is a faulty coping mechanism for something greater going on. Here is the deal – God isn’t mad at the parent/leader who uses these tools because He understands WHY they do it. He sees their fear, anxiety, and insecurity that causes them to feel the need to self-protect. God doesn’t want them to stay that way, but He isn’t mad at them.
Let’s talk about JUDGEMENTS. Judgments are when we jump in the judge’s seat and determine the verdict about someone. When we say, “They are controlling,” we are judging them. While being discerning and aware of how people’s choices affect us is good, we are never called to act as judges. Maybe that person is ‘controlling’ because they were orphaned as a child and have never learned to depend upon someone else. Perhaps they are controlling because they are rooted in fear and need to be delivered. God judges us based on our heart and story, not our outward appearance. Here is the issue with judgments. When we judge someone, we condemn them with our words (think of how prophecy unlocks and frees a person – judgments bind and lock a person up). The Bible says when we walk around as judges, we are binding OURSELVES to the very thing we are judging. That is why children who judge their father for being an alcoholic grow up to marry one. Or the girl who judges her grandma for being overweight and struggles with her issues.
HeartWork – Get a piece of paper and write down your JUDGEMENTS against your dad, mom, siblings, and even your children and friends. Go deep and allow Jesus to show you where you are holding onto judgments against someone. Ask Jesus to forgive you for holding them in judgment. Break agreement with the judgment over that person. Rip up the paper and declare God’s truth over their lives. Children can do this with their parents and siblings, too.
Hebrews 12:15 – “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”
The Cross is the answer to EVERYTHING! One would never go before a judge and ask for leniency, favor, or judgments against an offending party if they had $1,000 of unpaid parking tickets. You get your affairs in order FIRST before asking for help, favor, and intervention. Approaching God with a pure heart is much more effective than coming to Him offended, full of bitterness and anger.
LITTLE FOXES – Sometimes, amidst our daily routines, we pick up little foxes along the way. They are subtle but evident. You know, the little things like getting easily annoyed, a sharp tone, not lending a hand, quick tempers, and a lack of basic respect. I saw it in my family too, so I grabbed the kids, and we read about the unforgiving slave in Matthew 18:21-35 and talked about the Father’s heart for forgiveness. We then took out our journals and asked Jesus to highlight any (and all) offenses we were holding onto for each person, myself included. An hour later, we found ourselves wanting to hear how we have hurt each other’s hearts. We canceled the debts the person owed us, handed each person over to Jesus to deal with any character or heart issue (that was powerful), and then we declared the truth over each family member! It was a major spiritual detox, and each of us felt like the heaviness lifted.
SPIRITUAL DETOX – Detoxing our body helps flush out the bad build-up that bogs down our health. Sometimes we need to do a spiritual detox to rid ourselves of the things we have been holding onto that affect our spiritual health, connections, and joy. Does your family need a spiritual detox?
Video – Family Detox – YouTube
A while back, I was seeking the Lord’s heart for a new group that I was leading and had a dream. In the dream, my son was his current age and was in the intensive care unit, very sick. I was not his mom in the dream, but I cared deeply about him, so I stayed in the room. He was barely responsive, and the doctors and nurses buzzed around him without ceasing – ordering tests, taking blood, consulting, and trying to figure out what was wrong with him. His bed was a bunk bed, and as I watched his lifeless body, I began to see this green thing flow from his midsection, down towards his feet, down the bedpost, and slowly make a puddle on the floor. I realized he was losing his bowels and that, given his age, he would be very embarrassed by the mess. I went to him and whispered in his ear, “Would you like some help with that?”. He instantly regained his strength and got up to take a walk. The bunk bed represented being double-minded; we may look one way, but underneath we are another. This causes confusion and a lack of clarity in direction. The doctors and nurses represented the things that we go to to try and fix what is unhealthy in our lives. The green poop is a representative of the things we have kept in, but that are toxic and unhealthy for our systems. God wants us to get it out so that we can be healed. The intensive care unit symbolized our intense need for someone to say, “I see you” in our vulnerable place, and whispering in his ear covered him to feel safe enough to receive. The invitation for help told him, “I not only see the poop, but I am unmoved by the mess and can help you.” This is what caused his sudden spurt of energy and healing. We have become so afraid of the poop in our lives. If we deny it is there, we communicate to everyone around us that we can’t handle it.
Offense is an annoyance or resentment brought about by a perceived insult to or disregard for oneself or one’s standards or principles. John Bevere wrote an incredible book, The Bait of Satan, where he talks about how the enemy uses offense to bait you. Do not fall for it. When you encounter a post, person, or circumstances chomp away at your peace, it is worth exploring if the enemy is baiting you. Do not bite! Nothing gets you off track, out of peace, and listening to the wrong voice than OFFENSE! Matthew 24:10-13 (NKJV) – “And then many will be offended, will betray one another, and will hate one another. Then many false prophets will rise up and deceive many. And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold. But he who endures to the end shall be saved.” No, thank you!