OUR FAMILY IS CONNECTED

OUR FAMILY IS CONNECTED

Call a family meeting and tell everyone they need to put on pants or shorts with a belt loop.

Bring a rope or ball of yarn and have each family member sit in a circle close together. Remind them how you are all connected by God’s design. We have a job description to figure out how to not only get along but to love each other well.

I tell my children that the sibling who causes their heart frustration is providing a training ground for their future roommates, employer, or even their spouse. It is okay that there is a journey of becoming more like Jesus.

Begin to loop one end of the rope through the belt loop of your pants and then pass it onto the next person. Give a little wiggle room between persons (about two feet). After the last person is roped in, tell them that God sees your family roped together and there is no beginning or end. Regardless of your life journey in the years ahead, you will always be called family with the people sitting before you.

Tell them that you are going to spend the next hour together – literally! Set the alarm on your phone and begin by standing up, and where one goes, you all go. Does anyone need a snack? Try walking in the kitchen together and whip up something to eat. What’s next? How about trying to sit and play a game together. Does the mail need to be brought in? Give it a try (together, of course).  

There will be laughter along the way, and there may also be some frustrations. That’s okay. Keep going. After an hour, wiggle your way to the family room and cut everyone loose but talk about how it is impossible to be separated from each other in God’s eyes. When one part of the family endures something, it affects the whole family. While we want to learn how to manage ourselves, we also take care of the family unit God has entrusted to us.

In the days ahead, when you are witnessing sharp tones, disrespect towards each other, or selfishness, lovingly come to that child and remind them of this exercise. Ask if there is a way they could respond that communicates care for THEIR family.

FILLED HEARTS

Jesus says in Mark 12:30-31, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” 

Call a family meeting and give each person, including Mom and Dad, a piece of paper. Have them draw a large heart. Then, ask them to write or draw the important things to their heart, such as their family, their dog, Grandma, ice cream. When everyone has finished, take some time to share. Take a different color and write GOD in the center of their heart. Begin to ask them if they love God more than ice cream? What about video games? How about loving God more than Mom and Dad? That’s a big one, but that is how big God wants us to love Him. Even though Mom and Dad are the most incredible people on earth, God loves them even more! Call it out in the days ahead when you see God’s faithfulness, love, and protection over them. “Sweetie, that was God. He loves you so much”. “Buddy, that was God watching out for you.” “WOW, I love how God takes care of you by _____.”

TEACHING FAMILY UNITY

Give each family member a glass jar and put a yummy ingredient in it (marshmallows, popcorn, peanuts and M&Ms). I explained to my children how all of the ingredients are good – they’re yummy and pretty good on their own, but if we put them together, they make popcorn balls, which are even better! Each ingredient is so important – and if we didn’t have one of them, sadly the recipe wouldn’t be complete.

The Scripture that came to me was Psalm 133:1 (MSG) – “How wonderful, how beautiful, when brothers (and sisters) get along!” 

One mom shared, “My goal with this exercise will be to teach my son that his little brother is important and valuable and adds to the family just like he does. That’s what makes us a family, and family is GOOD and BEAUTIFUL, and being in unity makes God happy.”

WHO IS FIRST?

Gather the family and write down all of the things that are ‘BIG’ in their world including school, making friends, etc. After the list is complete, draw a line under it (it is okay that the list takes up most of the paper). Under the line, write out John 3:16. And then flip the paper upside down. Explain how the things that are BIG in their world can feel heavy and can sometimes make us feel like God’s truth is small or even shrinking, but the truth is (flipping the paper upside down) that God’s character, promises, and faithfulness are unchanging despite circumstances, and we can filter every single thing written on the list through the lens of His perfect love.

TELL ME A STORY

I encourage you to embrace this activity as part of your family connection time. Children love hearing stories, and there is something so life-giving about hearing stories about your family members. 

Spend some intentional time thinking of your own childhood stories, as well as those of your parents and grandparents. 

Gather the children, perhaps over a fun dinner, cup of hot cocoa, or all piled on the bed, and tell them a story. 

Maybe you will want to draw a question out of a hat, or maybe you will want to make it a part of your bedtime routine for a while? Either way, just make sure you are passing down the family stories; even those that feel trivial will teach a child about where they came from.

Some great ideas to share with your kids would be a time you:

  • Were proud of your achievements
  • Got in big trouble
  • Traveled somewhere fun
  • Teased your sibling
  • Had fun with friends
  • Felt scared
  • First met Jesus
  • Moved into a new home
  • Met a new friend

Pass on the stories you were told about your parents and grandparents – where did they live, go to school, what did they do for work, how did they meet and marry? 

In this five-minute message, I share the importance of passing the stories onto your children from their generational line: What’s My Story by Lisa Max – Let the Children Fly! (anchor.fm)

STILL BELONG

There is an area my son lacks. As a mom, I have noticed this, and together we have gone after increasing his capacity for quite some time. However, he seems to be in a season where his faithfulness is less and less. It is frustrating (like UBER frustrating). As a leader/mom, God has spoken deeply to me about what he needs during this season. Is it to be harder on him? Greater consequences? Remind him often of his failure? Let it go and hope he grows out of it? It happened again one morning, despite talking about it the night before. He came to me and said, “Mom, I know I messed up again.” We talked about it for a moment but had to keep going to get ready. About five minutes later, I went to him while he was tying his shoes and sat at his feet. I put my hands on his knees, and the anointing flowed as I blessed his journey into manhood. I told him I was okay with the process because I knew where he was headed. I assured him I would sit with him for as long as it took because that is what mothers do. I told him there was still a spot for him in our family and that mistakes do not mean being sent to the end of the line. Tears began to flow. I blessed his brain trying to manage responsibility and hormones. I blessed his value and worth that are anchored in Him, not his performance. I blessed his messes because God is using them for his growth and refinement. 

I speak that over YOU today. There is still room for you at the table. Your messes are part of the growth process. There is still room for you. God has not weakened His gaze or affection over you. You have permission to be on your journey and learn as you grow! We live in a performance-based culture that values your A+ and rejects you for getting a C. God values your process and journey of becoming the full expression of who you were created to be. Break agreement with any voice telling you otherwise!

RAISING TEENS

As my children enter their teen years, I have been sensitive to the fact that things are changing, including my parenting and responses to them. What worked when they were five or ten doesn’t work with pre-adults, which is a good thing.

My son was in a funk for a month or so. I would describe it as he has shut down a little, has a wall, refuses counsel, and seems to be making 101 choices in the opposite direction. It was never anything significant, but many little things that added up. He was on a roll one morning, agitating everyone within reach. I was frustrated with the lack of getting through to his heart. On the way to school, I heard the Lord say to drop Ellie off and have Hudson jump in the front seat. I drove to the other side of the parking lot and had every expectation and intention of giving him a firm chat about his choices and attitude. I heard the Lord say, “Remind him of who he is,” and began to declare, “Hudson, you are my son. You are fiercely loved and profoundly cherished. You are a gentleman, kind and caring. You see others and value them. You are a powerful builder…” and on and on I went reminding him who he was.

When I ended, he said, “Is that all?” and left the car. As I drove away, I said out loud, “Well, that didn’t work, Lord.” I pulled into the parking lot of my conference when the phone rang. It was my son, and he was so distraught he couldn’t form words. I asked if he needed me to return, and he said, “YES.” I reversed it and picked him up. We sat in the parking lot (the same place we had been a moment before), and he sobbed. No words, just tears. He began to say he was sorry for all of the things he was doing that he knew deep down were wrong. We grabbed Communion at the Prayer House and took it to the Cross. It was time for him to go to school and me to my conference, but his tears would not stop. He has a compassionate heart but is not overly emotional, so I knew something deeper was going on and wanted to partner with whatever God was doing in his heart and brought him home. I went to have lunch with him, and the tears were still coming with ease. He had no words, just tears. He finally said, “Mom, I know I have been making a lot of bad choices, and I just needed to know that you believed in me again.” Gulp!

When was the last time you reminded your child of how you felt about them? They may need to hear it again TODAY.

PLAYDATES

Playdates are the best kind of summer school.

There is nothing sweeter than a playdate on a lazy summer afternoon. These can be the best outlets for training ground with your children. Host a playdate and let your child play naturally like they usually would do, but keep within earshot of them interacting with their friends. What are you hearing? What are you seeing? Are they being kind and gracious and putting other people first, or do they need help in these areas?

After the playdate is over, sit down and have a conversation with them or role-play some of the things that have happened. Empower them by explaining how they could have done it differently or show them new skills to apply in those same situations. After a few days, invite that friend over again and see how they implement the tools. I encourage you to remind them before the playdate about the tools or maybe even have hand signs as code words. Perhaps they need to learn to put their friends’ desires first, so maybe you want to have a code word of putting up your pinky finger. This keeps your child protected from shame in front of their friends and is the little code word between the two of you where you are letting them know they need to increase putting other people first.

Children have both strengths and weaknesses. Let me give you an example of how a child’s strengths can turn into a weakness. My daughter is a super strong leader. I probably would have let her stay at home and babysit at the age of 5 if it was legal. But because she’s such a strong leader, and has the end result as her focus, she has little regard for the success of others. I do not want to shut down her strength, but I do want to strengthen her weakness. So while the leadership skills will be there no matter what, I have intentionally gone after teaching her to lead in love. We have talked about it, role-played and I have given her plenty of intentional situations in which she can apply leadership in love.

Tell them stories about your friends growing up. What are some things that your friends did that made you come alive and felt very important?. What are some things your friends have done over the years that have hurt your heart or shaped who you are in a way that God did not intend?

Do you have kids who like to interrupt you? I taught the kids in the time of peace what I expected, and then we role-played, practiced, and got good at the technique before we were in ‘need’ of it. I explained that they are SOOO important, but so am I. When I am in the middle of something with someone ELSE, I need the respect of not having someone demanding my attention elsewhere. We had FUN role-playing what a demanding child looks like when Mama is talking to someone else or on the phone. We talked about WHY interrupting wasn’t okay and how it made others feel. The bottom line it is a self-control issue. I instructed them to put their hand on my arm, which signaled, “Mom, I need you.” It is important then for the adult to put their hand over their hand, which means, “I see you.” Then, when the timing was appropriate, I would say, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, could you hold for a moment?” and would direct my attention to them. If they came barging into the room or demanding my attention, I would simply say, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, could you hold on for a moment?” And then I would say out loud to my child, “You are so important, but so is Mrs. Smith. I need you to wait until I am done,” and then when I got off the phone, we would role-play and practice again. My kids use this tool to this day, and it is golden to have respectful kids who know how to wait their turn.

Teach this to your child and then set up a playdate specifically to practice this way of learning how to get your attention when you are busy.

Childhood is not the season to expect perfection but to give them the tools to live successful lives.

GENERATIONAL LIFE CYCLE OF A PARENT

We all have life cycles and I wanted to take a moment to make some general comments about the life cycles of our family circle. Each season builds upon the next.

MARRIED BEFORE CHILDREN – Two becoming one. This is where husbands and wives take their generational line and merge them together as one. It is a time of deciding what things you want to pass onto your children and what things you can leave behind.

CONCEPTION – A season of great joy, often with conviction that shapes the kind of parent you will become. The “I will never _____ with my child” or “I am always going to make sure _____” are statements of adult children becoming the parents in their family line. It is a changing of the guards, so to speak. While grandparents surely still have a powerful role in the family, there is a new reigning body that makes decisions that will affect future generations one way or another.

INFANCY – This is the season of great joy. Eye contact is vital, releasing a brain chemical that continues their brain development. Oohing and ahhing over a newborn is not just ‘cute’ but impacts their future relationship with their parents. They are learning to trust and be comforted by Mom and Dad. Parents are becoming empowered as they steward what has been entrusted to them.

TODDLER – The primary role of the parent in the toddler season is to intentionally teach them #1. Obedience to your voice and #2. Self-control. A toddler left to themselves will destroy a place in a matter of moments, not because their heart is ill, but because they have little self-control, and they want what they want when they want it. Parents who have learned to train a child’s will (not break their spirit) will reap the fruit for decades. Toddlers who learn they are covered by healthy parents learn to respect other adults, including when they enter the classroom. This is not a one-time teaching but a long season on which you will be building upon.

SCHOOL AGE – The primary role of a parent during the school-age years is to teach right from wrong. We must first teach in a proactive measure in the time of peace so that we are setting our children up for success.

Example: If we have never taught our children that stealing is wrong and they pocket a cool toy from the local store, disciplining them is nothing short of punishment. We have to make note our child has an area of needed growth, and we take that as our cue that they need to be empowered and grow. We teach them what we DO want, role-play what it looks like and then enforce it. If, after doing your part, a child willfully chooses not to comply, then you can issue a consequence but not on their first offense without you doing any training first.

PRETEEN – This is where parents begin to move from keeping them safe to allowing them to explore parts of the world on their own even if it means they tumble and stumble a bit. This can be a very scary time for parents, but if you have done your part to lay the foundation of right/wrong, we have to give them room to try it on and see how both camps feel. A child who makes a mess when they are ten and learns from it is going to be grateful compared to the 24-year-old who was always told what to do and didn’t know how to make their own choices. When they chose poorly, it becomes a discussion of right/wrong and issued consequences that keep the discomfort on them (not you). A parent’s primary role is to be a judge. To gather all of the information, decide what is right (righteous) and wrong (sin), and issue consequences that help empower them to do better next time. Children are learning their consequences are becoming bigger as their choices impact more than just stealing a cookie from the cookie jar.

TEEN – This season can be super fun but also very challenging. Teen brain is a real thing. We move from setting them up for success to giving them room to manage their choices. Do they still need you? More than you will ever know. But they do not want or need a parent to treat them like a ten-year-old. They want freedom and independence. Think of Genesis 2, which states: “A man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” We want to help point them in the direction one step at a time of being ready to walk out the front door and have the ingredients needed to one day lead their own family with success and bear good fruit. What they need from you is kindness, encouragement, support, and for you to continue to be their cheerleader. When they are faced with choices, be their INFLUENCER by asking questions and letting their brain exercise the ability to process and create position results. I tell my son often that the goal is to get him to stand on his own without doing it alone.

ADULT – The primary role of this season is to be their friend and treat them as your equal. While you will always be their parent, your authority over their choices is diminished (not in the spiritual realm). Cover them, keep the door open, let them walk out their own testimony, and trust that God has them.

What if you didn’t focus on eye contact as an infant, or laid down the framework of right living in the toddler years or have not been an intentional parent to teach them right from wrong? You start where you are and go from there. But we don’t use it as an excuse not to do it.

THE SMILE GAME

We played the greatest game when the kids were younger, called the Smile Game!

Before we got out of the van at the grocery store, Wal-Mart, or a restaurant, we all talked about the game and would remind everyone how to play it. Then, when we got out of the van, each of us had to give as many people as possible direct eye contact and smile really big, each keeping score of how many smiles we would get in return.

The game was hilarious, and joy always broke out. The kids would often be up to 50 returned smiles, reminding them that releasing the Kingdom is about JOY. It also showed them how to flip the atmosphere where most people do not acknowledge a single person in front of them.

HAVE YOU HUGGED YOUR CHILD TODAY?

My mom used to drive around in an old Chevy Monte Carlo with a bumper sticker that read, “Have you hugged your kid today?” I used to think it was awesome that she had a reminder each time she got in the car. I longed for her embrace as it made me feel wanted, safe and seen. Sadly, hugs were few and far between, but they still held a tremendous value. I want to ask YOU, “Have you hugged your kid today?”

Homework – Make it a goal to reach out and offer a hug to your child at least THREE times today. Set a reminder in your phone, do it before/after each meal, or when they ask for something. Be intentional and hug those kids today!