ORPHAN PARENTING

ORPHAN PARENTING

  • Kingdom Parenting, Sons & Daughters

ORPHAN PARENTING

God created us to be fully alive, deeply accepted, and truly belong. The aftermath of the fall is that man became a spiritual orphan separated from God and wandered around life, feeling profound feelings of abandonment, loneliness, and isolation. The Good News is that Jesus came to restore us to that place of deep security with the Father. We can accept Christ yet still wander like an orphan, striving, begging, and doing life on our own. Imagine a child digging through the dump, fending for themselves, and meeting their needs for food and clothing all on their own. Now picture a palace where the table is always set and a room with your name on it. When we become Christians, we get the honor of living in the palace, yet some enjoy the view and go back to the dump laboring daily to meet their needs. It is impossible to raise a child as a Son/Daughter in the palace when you occupy the dump yourself. Orphan parenting is when we parent our children from a place of isolation, abandonment, self-protection, striving, loneliness, self-sufficiency, and lack. We are teaching them orphan living, not Kingdom reality.

TENDER LEADERS

Christians can often see/feel the spirit behind things yet are so ill-equipped in discernment (the ability to judge well), they respond negatively to the person instead of the spirit realm. To expect acceptance would mean to violate what they are seeing. People often attack the behavior, but what they are really standing up against is the spirit that their spirit knows is not right. We hurt people when we attack them instead of helping them.

Those who have walked in isolation and believe the enemy’s whispers about their identity are fed up with believers who were powerless to help them, failed to validate the deep isolation and then demanded outward performance. If it is a spirit issue then the church should be ones to HELP and instead, we have been the ones to accuse, blame and shame.

Let me use this word picture. If a child is being tormented by a spirit of fear and reacts to it with yelling and crying the parent will FEEL the spirit in fear in operation yet they don’t always have eyes to discern (the ability to judge well), but they can feel it (and without discernment it normally riles up the parent too). Getting mad at the child, disciplining, isolating, scolding them or telling them to ‘stop’ is pointless because it isn’t just about their less than pleasant behavior, as in bad character. It is about something going on in the spirit realm that is influencing them. They need HELP to resolve the issue in the spirit realm before their behavior will change.

The enemy’s goal is outlined in John 10:10 – “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.” He comes to STEAL community (isolation), oftentimes in our own homes, he then whispers lies to KILL their identity (who they were created to be) and then DESTROYS the thing that we all long for – community and connection.

The church should be a safe place to resolve spiritual issues, but because they have been so ill-equipped to discern the spirit and have focused solely on behavior modification, we have actually furthered the agenda of tolerance and acceptance. We have forced the world to accept what we have not been able to respond to well and help resolve. There is a time to rise up as parents and leaders in our authority, not against the child/person but the spirit behind it.

Parents need to be equipped with tools to walk in discernment when this spirit is in operation in their homes. Children who are being influenced by this spirit need HELP to resolve it. While it can surely include professional or traded help, Jesus died to give that authority and power to every believer, including parents.

TEACH AND TRAIN IN THE TIME OF PEACE

When a child (of any age) is having an emotional meltdown, they need either compassion or comfort. We have to find their rhythm of receiving compassion and comfort as some like to be touched, others like to be verbally comforted, and others feel comforted by being alone. AFTER they have calmed down and we have connected with their hearts, THEN we can teach, train, and equip them how to increase their capacity and do it differently next time. When the child is upset, teaching and training is like teaching a dog where to poop when he is in the middle of it. He won’t be able to hear you. Teach and train in the time of PEACE so that you can cash in on it in your time of need. Parents end up breaking connection because they want to be teachers when their child needs a comforter.

WHAT GOD TREASURES MOST OF ALL

Teach the children about the sun, stars, grass, and trees. Who made them all? God did. OOH and AAH over His mighty creation. Then tell them that there is one thing that He loves more than anything else He has ever created and ask if they want to see it. Spend some time making a big deal out of it. When they can’t hold onto their excitement any longer, bring out a mirror and let them see themselves.

In the days to come, remind them often of just how valuable and important they are to Him.

I WANT MORE!

I want more families to be intentional about their children! I want YOU to embrace all God has for you and your family. I burn for more. I yearn that we, the Bride, all of us, would know that there is NO weapon formed against us that shall prosper but that WE will march forth and walk in victory because God Himself is leading us. I want your connection with your children to remain intact so that they are spared from the countless years of agony we endured. I want them to know how amazing and powerful they are because you speak it over them daily. I want them to know, like second nature, how to go to Papa God and discuss the burdens of their heart with Him directly. Ah, that the children would be trained and equipped by intentional parents who do not partner with feelings of inadequacy but know who they are themselves. Oh, I burn for this. 

Join our JOURNEY online class to get the tools you need. Journey – ONLINE CLASS – Let the Children Fly

FUNNEL PARENTING

Picture a funnel. Do you give your child so much freedom at an early age and then, as the year’s progress, begin to take away their freedom? Or do you start with smaller freedoms and gradually increase it as they display self-control to be able to use freedom wisely? Oftentimes, parents have this mentality that if they put restrictions on their small child, they are breaking their spirit, harnessing them, and controlling them. I beg to differ. When we allow our children to do whatever they want whenever they want, we are teaching them that the world is open and free. While that may be a perfect world, it is not the reality in which they live. The truth is if they steal, they will go to jail. If they speed, they will pay a fine. If they do not pay taxes, the IRS will knock on their door. The world is full of consequences and models God’s principle of reaping and sowing. There will be a time when you will have to say NO to your child, yet the more you teach them they can have whatever they want whenever they want it, the harder the battle will be for them when reality hits. Let’s flip the funnel upside down and limit their freedom as they have the self-control to manage themselves. We do not allow a one-year-old to climb the stairs because their little legs are not strong enough to carry them. We do not allow a ten-year-old to drive a car because it will create greater harm. The same applies to our parenting. You are not stifling them; you are building them up for success for the long haul.

P.S. Teenagers do not like their freedoms taken away! You will have fewer battles down the road if you start out small and build upon them. Entitlement is a tricky thing to break.

DID YOU ASK HIM?

We pray, fast, ask others, do it on our own strength, lean on our understanding… but have we simply asked Him? Learning how to communicate with our Father and hear what He has to share with us is part of becoming a Son or Daughter. This eBooklet will not only strengthen your spiritual hearing but help you teach your children. 

Character Training SOAR Magazine – Let the Children Fly

LOOK BEYOND BEHAVIOR

I have strived hard through the Let the Children Fly message to get parents to see beyond the behavior. Yes, train children to manage themselves better, but if we only focus on managing behavior, we will enter legalism and move away from the Father’s heart. We must be willing to endure discomfort with their behavior to explore with Holy Spirit WHY. If we can partner with Him, we will discover what is going on inside their hearts, and we can parent them in that place. This is where real transformation and growth occur. When we experience someone acting immature, wounded, and reckless, we have two choices: #1 Increase our power by using intimidation and fear to control them so that we feel comfortable or #2 come alongside their pain and usher them to Jesus. If all we are doing is managing triggers and outward behavior, we are actually separating ourselves from their heart. If we want to draw closer, we must become students of what is going on in their world.

IDENTITY

When we neglect to call out who our children are, the world will step up and do it for us. However, their truth is often different from ours. Calling out identity is not about what they do, such as, “You are the best soccer player,” or “You always get A’s,” but more so about who they are; “You are patient,” “You are kind,” “You are worthy,” “You are capable.” Calling this forth sets them up for taking on the world and the challenges set before them. The first increases pride as it focuses on their performance and ultimately hinders connection as they learn they are only as good as their successes. The latter increases their identity as it focuses on Christ in them and what He has done. We want our children to walk out the door overflowing with the confidence of how God made them, not feeling the pressure to earn something or strive to become what they think others want them to be.

AFFIRMATION

The opposite of judgment is not acceptance; it is affirmation. Affirm – af·firm – Verb. 1. state as a fact; assert strongly and publicly. 2. offer (someone) emotional support or encouragement. “There are five common ways parents fail to affirm their children.”

When was the last time you intentionally affirmed those around you in their identity, value, or destiny? It is Kingdom to do so.