I WAS WRONG

I WAS WRONG

  • Connection, Teens

I WAS WRONG

For years I have engaged in a battle with my son about waking up. Consistently he is late for family devotions and brings chaos to the breakfast table as he scrambles around late and flustered. We have purchased more alarm clocks that I can count, tag team going in his room to turn on the light and snap at him to wake but to no avail. It happened again and I issued strong consequences letting him know that taking responsibility for getting himself up on his own at his age is a MUST! But then I walked out the door for meetings and something gnawed at my heart all day. Finally, I asked Jesus to show me what He saw with my son, and I gasped. All these years I have treated Hudson as if it were a character/lazy issue. Jesus showed me it was not ill character at all but that his body literally needed more help moving from deep sleep to awake. My eyes open between 3-4AM and I jump out of bed ready for the day. God showed me that my son is physically wired differently. My mama’s heart was crushed that I had accused him for years of being lazy when it was in fact that he physically could not help it. It made my heart so sad that he was so misunderstood for so long and how lonely that can feel. I had a big mess to clean up.

I stopped to get his favorite wings and texted him asking for a mom/son date. As I sat down, he said, “What the occasion?” And I began to tell him how I missed it, was wrong and how sorry I was for not understanding him better. I asked him, “Does love to you look like spending more time helping you wake up?” He welled up with tears (from years of being misunderstood) and got a massive smile on his face and said, “Yep!”

Parents, we were never supposed to know it all and have it all figured out. We love our children fiercely but are NOT the ones who created them. Parenting was always supposed to be a partnership with Him, not for Him. 

I am so excited to wake him up!!!!!

DISPENSARY VS. DEPENDENCY

How many of you could say in this hour, “I feel like I am doing everything right yet not producing the fruit that I desire”? Your A plus B is not equaling C! I confronted Hudson on his attitude towards his family after he came home from a friend’s house. I fully understand that his friends meet a profound need in this season of life, but that doesn’t mean he gets to be rude or disrespectful to us when he returns. A few hours later, he bounced back inside the house from being with his friend, full of joy and kindness. He gave me a big hug and told me he loved me. I thought he got it and was proud of him for receiving my correction. But two minutes later, he asked for a big favor. I felt slimed. He did what I told him to do and even did it ‘right,’ but his motives were for what he could get out of me, not out of genuine affection. A dispensary is a room where medicines are prepared and provided. No one ever lives there but stops by when they need something, generally to put them out of their physical or emotional misery. Dependency is the state of relying on or needing someone or something for aid, support, or help. God invites us to depend upon Him through confidence and trust in who He is. We are called to live in this continued posture with Him.  Are we doing all of the ‘right’ things in the ‘right’ way but coming to Him like a dispensary attempting to get something from Him to alleviate our pain and discomfort, or are we coming to Him out of the confidence we need Him? I am confident in this hour that God is removing the dispensary from the church and body. He is calling us into a deeper dependency upon His nature, character, and heart for us. The question is, do we really want Him or just what He can do for us? 

BE EMPOWERED AS TEENS

YOUTH GROUP LEADERS!! What would life look like for the teens in your group to be empowered to resolve their hurts, lies, and offenses? Could you imagine handing a teen a book and saying, “Check out page 18,” and they encounter God IN their pain? This is the stuff we should be talking about in our youth groups so that they are equipped to deal with their pain and those around them, too. HEART SPLINTERS – Resolving Childhood Owies in Childhood is for teens!!! Consider buying one and gifting it to your youth leader.

Heart Splinters BOOK – Let the Children Fly

PEACE IS MY GUIDE

I have a rule in my house – if I cannot participate in something and remain in peace, then I will not do it. As a result, I have had to say no, or decline many good things. I have made the choice not to allow even some good things to rob me of my peace or connection with my children.

OVERCOMING ISOLATION

My daughter sat by herself for lunch, and I AM SO EXCITED!! When my daughter was in 8th grade, she endured cruel and unkind treatment from girls in her class. It’s so hard when you go after building your child up to be who God called them to be, and then a peer comes along and tears them down. The isolation paralyzed her. We kept fighting the lies, forgiving and encouraging her to get back out there. It has been a painful journey of her choosing to believe what God says about her; slowly but surely, she was getting more confident. I have seen glimmers of her showing her natural self with peers, and I am so thankful for the restoration process. Her new school is on lockdown in the afternoon, making it very hard to connect with others, especially during lunch. She came home the other day and announced, “I sat by myself at lunch every day this week.” I asked how it felt, and she beamed a smile and said, “It didn’t bother me at all.” You know you have come full circle when you can endure the very thing that caused you so much pain (isolation from peers) but can walk on the same path again (isolation) and do so from a place of confident victory. My mama’s heart is thanking Jesus for redeeming what was stolen and holding her hand in the process. Identity is the glue that holds them together during trials. We must know who we are!!

P.S. She has many friends. In those situations, she is new and needs to be vulnerable, which has caused her to shut down.

THE PURPOSE OF FRIENDSHIPS

Let’s start by defining the purpose of friendships. The Word says God’s Kingdom is righteousness, peace, and joy. It goes without saying that peers of all ages bring us tremendous joy. Whether it is swinging at the park together, giggling into the wee hours of the night, or greeting each other with a high five, friends bring us a feeling of great pleasure and happiness by God’s design. Jesus is the ultimate friend and life companion who was willing to lay down His life for us. Being friends with Jesus is where we get our deep sense of belonging, which is a human need, just like the need for food and shelter. God gives us siblings and peer friendships so that we can tangibly experience that deep sense of belonging on earth. To belong means you are seen, heard, known, valued, appreciated, and accepted. Belonging gives you a sense of security, confidence, ability to live from your real self, grow, thrive, and take risks. When friendship flows as God intended, it enriches our mind, body, and spirit; however, when it is disrupted, it can bring tremendous heartbreak and pain.

The opposite of BELONGING is ISOLATION. Isolation means to be far away from (remote, out of the way, outlying, off the beaten track, secluded, hard to find, lonely, in the back of beyond, in the hinterlands, off the map, in the middle of nowhere, obscure, inaccessible, cutoff, unreachable; faraway, far-flung, lonesome). I am confident no parent would desire this for their child, yet scores of children experience isolation daily. I believe it is our job as parents to help give our children the character and tools needed to be successful in relationships with siblings and friends because they will greatly influence who they become. Let’s go after empowering our children to steward valuable friendships and increase their capacity to become great friends.

LEADING TEENS

I have been growing discontent with leading my family spiritually. It is so easy to buy into the LIE that teens don’t want to engage, or that busyness is just a fact of life. I called a family meeting, and we had a deep heart-to-heart about our relationship with Jesus and how we operate as a family. I walked away so impacted by their hunger, even though it looks different now that they are older. We spent a lot of time processing, pondering, and praying about what it looks like to play in the Kingdom at their ages. One of the things we decided to do was each take a day of the week and lead family devotions. It was my turn, and I had them draw out a picture of themselves, and we passed the papers around in a circle, each adding what we saw inside of them (kindness, creativity, leadership, etc.). Then one person spoke over the person next to them who they are. It was so crazy simple yet life-giving. I feel such a renewed sense of hunger to keep going after their relationships with Jesus in a fresh new way.

FAMILY MEETINGS

I grew up having ‘family meetings,’ which meant we had to gather and listen to a very long lecture about something. I walked away feeling like I wanted to run away. They were not empowering or life-giving. When I began to have my own family, I, too, wanted to have family meetings but to create a time everyone had a voice, was able to share without fear, and could contribute to the process. I wanted my children to walk away feeling closer, connected, and empowered. We have done just that over the years. When I call out “family meeting,” they stop what they are doing and join me in the family room. They come expectant to be included and heard. We have intentionally gone on family meeting dates where we talk through a particular topic or issue.

Family means all people. Everyone gets a voice, each carrying something vital. Children have a perspective that is needed.

WHAT IS UNDER THE ANGER?

My daughter came to me crying, saying that her sister came into her room demanding she takes out the bathroom garbage. When she told her she would do it later, her sister got upset and began to intimidate her. When I inquired, she said she had taken the garbage out last week, and it was her sister’s turn. I asked if she was faithful with her week, then why did she care if her sister was faithful with hers? Why did that agitate and upset her so much? I felt like something deeper was going on. I asked her to sit on her bed and ask Jesus to show her why she cared so much about her sister’s chores to the point she would use force and intimidation to attempt to control her sister, which her mind knew was not okay. I have taught my children behind every big emotion (anger, rage, intimidation) is what we call SSL – the softer emotion of being SCARED, SAD, OR LONELY. I asked her which one she was feeling under the intimation. She identified she felt scared. She was agitated in the process and kept saying, “I just don’t like it (when they don’t do their chores).” Holy Spirit had me ask this, “…. because what will happen if they don’t do their chores?” She said, “You will be mad at me.” I asked, “And if Mom is mad at you what will happen?” And she broke down in tears and said, “We won’t be connected.” This is where we have to have some tough skin and allow our children to process our parenting, even when we feel misunderstood or falsely accused. It doesn’t matter what MY truth is; she is revealing HER truth at this moment which was driving her behavior. One week she was on dish duty and failed to do it. I went to make breakfast in a hurry and didn’t have any clean dishes, and I got upset. I returned to her a few minutes later and asked for forgiveness, telling her that while she was in the wrong for not managing her chores, I didn’t manage my heart well (I was stressed about something else, and she got the brunt of it). While I thought we worked it out, we didn’t have the opportunity to reconnect before she left for school and went the whole day feeling the space between us. It left a message in her heart that if the chores weren’t done, we would lose our connection, which scared her. I asked for forgiveness again for not managing my emotions well that day and reminded her that she was not responsible for my emotions. That’s my job. I also told her that it is not her job to control her siblings so that she and I remain connected. She melted in my arms and wept. And then humbly apologized to her sister for being so mean.

This is where partnering with Holy Spirit in our parenting gets exciting. We get to give Him space to minister to our children above our capabilities. There is a time for character training and discipline, but in this case, she was feeling a threat to our connection, and that is what needed to be restored.

WHAT DOES LOVE LOOK LIKE?

“We all already were familiar with the love languages, so we focused on what each language actually LOOKED like to us. I realized that there were things that I thought were filling but weren’t, as well as things I had done that DID fulfill someone, but they never told me, so I didn’t even know! My husband and I decided that we needed to go deeper and really try to understand each other! I bought four glass jars with lids at the Dollar Tree, and each of us got one jar and chose a color to represent him or her. I cut pieces of construction paper in the chosen colors and then color-coded the lids and wrote our names. So how this works: If I do something to contribute to my husband’s love tank, he will put my color paper in his jar and let me know what it was that I did. This way, we are aware of what means something to someone else and what doesn’t. We wanted to do something visual that would make us more aware and help us learn each other better. So far, this is bringing so much awareness to each other and making us dig a little deeper to find out what works for someone. I thought my older ones would think it was childish, but they didn’t. I even got my grown 33-year-old son (who just moved back to Alabama and is temporarily staying with us) involved with it. I was expecting some eye-rolling, but they all are on board!”

BIG DEAL TO A SMALL CHILD

Do you have preschoolers or toddlers at home who are extra whiny and demanding? Consider that older siblings are now home from school and your time and attention are not fully on them anymore. This is a big deal to small children, and their hearts matter, too.