In the days ahead, be spies for God by calling out every time you see God showing His love, protection, care and tenderness for your children. When you see God’s faithfulness, love, and protection over them, call it out.
“Sweetie, that was God. He loves you so much”, “Buddy, that was God watching out for you”, “WOW, I love how God takes care of you by _____.”
Playdates are the best kind of summer school.
There is nothing sweeter than a playdate on a lazy summer afternoon. These can be the best outlets for training ground with your children. Host a playdate and let your child play naturally like they usually would do, but keep within earshot of them interacting with their friends. What are you hearing? What are you seeing? Are they being kind and gracious and putting other people first, or do they need help in these areas?
After the playdate is over, sit down and have a conversation with them or role-play some of the things that have happened. Empower them by explaining how they could have done it differently or show them new skills to apply in those same situations. After a few days, invite that friend over again and see how they implement the tools. I encourage you to remind them before the playdate about the tools or maybe even have hand signs as code words. Perhaps they need to learn to put their friends’ desires first, so maybe you want to have a code word of putting up your pinky finger. This keeps your child protected from shame in front of their friends and is the little code word between the two of you where you are letting them know they need to increase putting other people first.
Children have both strengths and weaknesses. Let me give you an example of how a child’s strengths can turn into a weakness. My daughter is a super strong leader. I probably would have let her stay at home and babysit at the age of 5 if it was legal. But because she’s such a strong leader, and has the end result as her focus, she has little regard for the success of others. I do not want to shut down her strength, but I do want to strengthen her weakness. So while the leadership skills will be there no matter what, I have intentionally gone after teaching her to lead in love. We have talked about it, role-played and I have given her plenty of intentional situations in which she can apply leadership in love.
Tell them stories about your friends growing up. What are some things that your friends did that made you come alive and felt very important?. What are some things your friends have done over the years that have hurt your heart or shaped who you are in a way that God did not intend?
Do you have kids who like to interrupt you? I taught the kids in the time of peace what I expected, and then we role-played, practiced, and got good at the technique before we were in ‘need’ of it. I explained that they are SOOO important, but so am I. When I am in the middle of something with someone ELSE, I need the respect of not having someone demanding my attention elsewhere. We had FUN role-playing what a demanding child looks like when Mama is talking to someone else or on the phone. We talked about WHY interrupting wasn’t okay and how it made others feel. The bottom line it is a self-control issue. I instructed them to put their hand on my arm, which signaled, “Mom, I need you.” It is important then for the adult to put their hand over their hand, which means, “I see you.” Then, when the timing was appropriate, I would say, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, could you hold for a moment?” and would direct my attention to them. If they came barging into the room or demanding my attention, I would simply say, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, could you hold on for a moment?” And then I would say out loud to my child, “You are so important, but so is Mrs. Smith. I need you to wait until I am done,” and then when I got off the phone, we would role-play and practice again. My kids use this tool to this day, and it is golden to have respectful kids who know how to wait their turn.
Teach this to your child and then set up a playdate specifically to practice this way of learning how to get your attention when you are busy.
Childhood is not the season to expect perfection but to give them the tools to live successful lives.
I knew one of my kid’s love tanks was low with her sibling because of the way he treated her. Hours later, he came to her with a request. I could predict her response, “NO!” Not because she really cared or didn’t want to give it to him, but because she had little in the ‘love tank.’ He tried to cash in a favor, and her tank was so low she didn’t want to give it to him. I responded by saying, “Sweetie, if you want to walk in favor with her, you might want to work on filling her love tank.”
Want to teach this to your children? Here is a great exercise. Call a family meeting and sit around the table. In the center, place a large bowl of water filled to the top. Give each family member a glass and a spoon. Tell them that you are going to play a timed game of seeing how full you can get everyone’s glass by putting the spoon in the center bowl and scooping up the water and placing it in their glass. The rule is that no one can fill their own glass, just everyone else’s. At the end of a minute, see which glass is the fullest and which one is the least. Share with the children that the center bowl represents God’s love, which is full and plentiful. We can grab His love anytime we want, and it is always there. Share that each glass represents their family member’s hearts, and the spoon represents our words, actions, choices, and interactions. Either we are putting love into their tank or choosing not to.
Take a tiny pinch of coffee grounds and spread them over the kitchen floor. Invite your children to join you in the kitchen and ask them to help you find the coffee grounds on the floor. “Hey guys, I dropped my coffee grounds. Can you help me find them?” It won’t be easy to find them all spread out. Then ask them to close their eyes and quickly dump a visual amount on the ground. This time ask them to pick up the coffee grounds… but one little grain at a time. Spend a few moments attempting to do this impossible task. You might want to lie down on your tummy and get serious, “One, two, three. Sarah, how many did you get? Four, five?” When they lament that it is impossible, take a broom and sweep up the coffee. Sit the kids down and talk about the kitchen floor representing the whole wide world – there are no separate regions or countries – just one big piece of land. Explain that the tiny grain of coffee represents sin in the world. What is sin? Sin is anything we do that goes against what God has planned for us. Sin is when we break God’s household rules. He isn’t mad at us when we sin, but it makes Him sad because He designed us to be loved, blessed, protected, and full of joy, and sin robs us of that. Help them see that God knows every grain of coffee, even those they couldn’t find or see with their eyes. Explain to them that there are many coffee grounds (sin) in the world right now for others to see. Every family will have a different grid regarding what your children know about the world’s affairs, but you can filter it through the coffee grounds analogy when they see, hear or feel things.
Example: You are driving and see vandalism, graffiti, or broken windows. Mom – “That is sad that someone broke that window.” Child – “Who broke it?” Mom – “I don’t know.” Child – “If you don’t know who broke it, how can the police arrest them?” Mom – “Remember the grains of coffee on the kitchen floor? Breaking things is a sin; even if he gets away with it and never gets caught by the police, God saw it, and God knows.”
Example: The kids see or hear something on the news and ask you about it. You can give them human wisdom and intellectual understanding or anchor them to the truth that God sees, knows, and is aware. A GREAT response is, “Wow, that is a great question. I have some thoughts, but let’s ask Jesus what He thinks.” I did this once about something I was so assured of the response, and He showed me something different, which created a powerful family discussion.
The God who sees, hears, and knows all has made Himself available to us through Jesus to come and talk to Him – ASK HIM! Jeremiah 33:3 – “Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.”
Bitter Cup – We want to help our children understand that we ALL sin. Each of us has a grain of coffee (sin) with our name on it. Make some strong coffee and let your children take a sip. None of us are blameless before Him. Share something you did recently that was a sin. Ask them to remember something they did. Explain that sin is like strong coffee that tastes bitter. HERE IS THE KEY: While we ALL sin, God has given us provision for how to clean it up. How? By confessing (whoops – Jesus, I blew it) and by asking for HIS forgiveness (He took the spanking for us on the Cross). When we do that, He removes the grain of coffee with our name on it.
In the days ahead, when they violate your household rules, you can lovingly remind them of the bitter coffee and say, “Sweetheart, when you _____, it was a sin. Do you want to hold onto that bitter cup or come give it to Jesus?”
Cream & Sugar – He does not want us to pour some cream and sugar on the coffee (sin) to make it taste better. Sin is bitter, and He wants to remove it from us. Teach your children that when they sin and cover it up, keep it a secret, blame someone else or deny it; it is like pouring a pound of sugar in the coffee cup. You can do this as a visual for the children. Instead, He wants us to offer up the coffee cup to Him and hand it over, never to drink from it again.
Injustice of No Discipline – Organically speaking, sin does not feel good. When we fail to discipline our children, we rob them of a way out of their sins, which only teaches them to ignore the guilt. By addressing sin, even at a young age, we allow them to make it right and remove the guilt. Guilt that is piled up can lead to shame. God knows we have flesh and live in a fallen world and has not left us in condemnation. Confessing sin is an acknowledgment of wrongdoing and the opportunity to make it right with God and others.
Sin is bitter. Forgiveness is sweet. It’s time to brew some coffee!
Grab a jar/bowl, sand (or small pebbles), and larger rocks.
Call a FAMILY MEETING and talk to the children about Matthew 6:33 – “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” What does this mean exactly?
Take the jar/bowl and explain how their capacity of time is given in each 24-hour period. Part of their time is spent sleeping, eating, doing homework, etc. Make a list of each thing that demands their time every day and then pour a little sand into the jar representing each thing. Brushing teeth… add a little sprinkle of sand into the jar. Taking out the trash… add a little sprinkle of sand into the jar, etc.
Now take some larger rocks and explain how that represents seeking God such as reading the Word, praying, declaring His truth, etc. The larger rock no longer fits because they have filled up their jar with the smaller things.
Dump the jar out and put the larger rocks in FIRST and then add the sprinkles of sand which will make its way around the rock, that way everything fits in the jar in the proper order, and no one can say at the end of the day they ran out of room (time) because they put the important thing in first.
Every once in a while, the Lord nudges me to be a student of my children’s evaluation of me as a mom. I have authority in the home, but that doesn’t mean I can’t learn from my children. I called a family meeting and reminded each of them of a recent event where they made a mess. I asked them to come up with a list together on #1. What could I have done better (in that situation), and #2. What did their heart need from me? They went to the back room and began to create a list of answers. While I already knew the areas I could improve in as a parent, what was highlighted was their deepest desire for me to HELP them in their mess. It is so easy for a parent to focus on the fruit of their choices, but I was given yet another reminder to stay focused on empowering them with tools and solutions to not only clean up the mess but also prevent them in the future. This is a profound way to let their voices be heard now, in childhood, about the things their heart needs.
Grab a bag of Hershey chocolate kisses or a package of paper hearts and randomly place them where your child will find it. Attach a sticky note with a sweet note and let them find the surprise on their own.
OR
Hide them throughout the house like an Easter egg hunt. Call a FAMILY MEETING and fix the ‘rules’ according to your family needs (such as many younger kids focus on a certain room where they are more obviously hidden, while older kids have to find the harder ones). Don’t think this is just for little ones – big kids love the adventure too! Fun way to release JOY!
Kids need to HEAR and SEE your love for them now more than ever!
Call a family meeting and tell everyone they need to put on pants or shorts with a belt loop.
Bring a rope or ball of yarn and have each family member sit in a circle close together. Remind them how you are all connected by God’s design. We have a job description to figure out how to not only get along but to love each other well.
I tell my children that the sibling who causes their heart frustration is providing a training ground for their future roommates, employer, or even their spouse. It is okay that there is a journey of becoming more like Jesus.
Begin to loop one end of the rope through the belt loop of your pants and then pass it onto the next person. Give a little wiggle room between persons (about two feet). After the last person is roped in, tell them that God sees your family roped together and there is no beginning or end. Regardless of your life journey in the years ahead, you will always be called family with the people sitting before you.
Tell them that you are going to spend the next hour together – literally! Set the alarm on your phone and begin by standing up, and where one goes, you all go. Does anyone need a snack? Try walking in the kitchen together and whip up something to eat. What’s next? How about trying to sit and play a game together. Does the mail need to be brought in? Give it a try (together, of course).
There will be laughter along the way, and there may also be some frustrations. That’s okay. Keep going. After an hour, wiggle your way to the family room and cut everyone loose but talk about how it is impossible to be separated from each other in God’s eyes. When one part of the family endures something, it affects the whole family. While we want to learn how to manage ourselves, we also take care of the family unit God has entrusted to us.
In the days ahead, when you are witnessing sharp tones, disrespect towards each other, or selfishness, lovingly come to that child and remind them of this exercise. Ask if there is a way they could respond that communicates care for THEIR family.
Teaching children to ‘check your peace’ is a great way to train them to self-govern their choices.
Years ago, I came out of my bedroom and could not locate three of my four children. Alarmed, I raced from room to room. I began yelling their names outside, looking up and down the sidewalk for three young children. I was a breath away from panic when I heard the Lord say, “They are okay, but this is serious.” I jumped in the car and drove around looking for them. I spotted them talking to a homeless man. They bolted away from him the second they saw me. Teaching children to ‘check your peace’ is a great way to train them to govern their choices by being led of the Spirit. “He hasn’t left us as orphans but is with us and guides us” (John 14:18).
They got in the car, and I could smell fear all over them, but I didn’t say a word. We got home, and I called a family meeting. I told them that they scared my heart and reminded them of our family rule not to go where my eyes cannot see them. They asked for forgiveness. We hugged and carried on, but something didn’t sit right, and an hour later, it was still nagging me. I asked the Holy Spirit to show me what my lack of peace was, and He said, “Lisa, they did not just disobey you; they disobeyed Me.” There it was.
I called them all back and asked, “When you walked outside the door, was there ever a time Holy Spirit spoke to you?” They all burst into tears, telling me how they heard they were not to go up the sidewalk or that they should warn their sisters to come back home and how He told them they should not talk towards that man, yet each time they ignored Him and carried on. I told them with tears rolling down my cheeks that I have rules to keep them safe but that they have the Holy Spirit to help lead them when they are wandering outside of what is safe.
I asked them if they felt peace in their belly as they were walking away, and they all said NO. That was Holy Spirit telling them they were getting too far.
We must empower our children that PEACE is their pillar, and when peace leaves, it is time for us to STOP and pay attention to what He is saying.
Isaiah 26:3 – “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you because he trusts in you.” When our eyes get off Him, and we wander away, the first thing that leaves is our peace.
Gather the family and write down all of the things that are ‘BIG’ in their world including school, making friends, etc. After the list is complete, draw a line under it (it is okay that the list takes up most of the paper). Under the line, write out John 3:16. And then flip the paper upside down. Explain how the things that are BIG in their world can feel heavy and can sometimes make us feel like God’s truth is small or even shrinking, but the truth is (flipping the paper upside down) that God’s character, promises, and faithfulness are unchanging despite circumstances, and we can filter every single thing written on the list through the lens of His perfect love.
I was a part of an amazing single group in my 20s. One of the guys talked about spanking his (future) children and how his parents modeled it in such an honoring way. I argued that it was wrong, and we had an hour-long debate. He opened me up to a world where parents can actually spank in love without losing their temper. It wasn’t to harm the child; it was to help guide them. I want to take a moment and talk to those who were like me and argued that it was wrong. When someone brings up spanking, what is happening in your heart? Are you anxious? Nervous? Scared? I want to circle that place and zoom in on it. My goal isn’t to get you to spank. My goal is for you to see the unrest in your heart because it will affect your ability to walk in the authority you are given. For me, it wasn’t about the actual act of spanking as much as it was the fear of hurting my child and fear that my child would resent me like I did my parents for their harsh parenting. Unless and until that is resolved, I will be unbalanced in my ability to parent my children well. I would be parenting them out of fear rather than authority. When children learn they are the ones with the power, it leaves them feeling insecure, which only increases their need to be strong. It does not matter how strong they appear; they are not orphans. The safest place for their mind, body, and spirit is under your authority and covering. Yes, many of you have strong-willed children. It is your responsibility as a parent to help them submit their will to your authority, but if you have an ongoing fear about using authority, you will only lead your family to the other side of the pendulum. Let’s find Jesus in the middle and walk in alignment with Him.
HeartWork – Go back to the place of anxiety and unrest and ask, “Jesus, will You please show me what I am afraid of in disciplining my child?” Sit with Him for a moment and allow Him to minister to that part of your heart.
