HIS BRAIN WORKS JUST FINE!

HIS BRAIN WORKS JUST FINE!

Hudson was asked to empty the trash in the bathroom and left the trash can in the middle of the room. I went to him and said, “Hudson, you are a man of great honor. Could you please go back in the bathroom and see how you could be more honoring?” Instantly, he saw the trash can and completed his task. When a mom acts like a child’s mind, she goes crazy, and the child gets lazy! We can use nearly all corrective situations to empower them (and stay sane!). It is interesting how much of our natural parental correction focuses on what they didn’t do or makes them feel like a failure, but when we learn to flip it to empower them, everyone wins.

As I have learned to partner with the Holy Spirit in my parenting, I have become more solution-focused and less problem-focused. I have empowered my children to discover the answers for themselves rather than me thinking for them and telling them what to do and constantly feeling frustrated by their behavior.

PARENTING GOAL

If we focus on being a perfect parent and handling everything just right, we will surely fail because Jesus is the only perfect human. However, our weaknesses, failures, wounds, and mistakes do not disqualify us from equipping our children with the truth that while we may have blown it, Holy Spirit is never impatient or annoyed with us. While Dad might be distracted or absent, Papa God is always eager for our attention and company. Where Mom may lack, He always provides. Where we stumble, He is able. How will children know this unless we actively teach them about the faithfulness of God? So, the next time you blow it, use it as an opportunity to teach your child how awesome and good Father God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit really are and that while we try, we are not always like Him, but praise God, He isn’t like us either!

WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT TO PARTNER WITH?

Ellie had a school fundraiser where she had to run a long course, and along the way, they throw colored powder on the runners. Super fun! The morning of the run, she said she was worried about running. I asked her why since she usually is quite fast and does well. She said, “I am so afraid I will come in last.” Together we asked Jesus to show her what she was so afraid of with coming in last, and she said, “People will think I am not good enough.” We talked about the truth that SOMEONE has to arrive first, and there is always someone at the end. That’s life. But we want to make sure that we aren’t carrying LIES about our worth and value if we come in first OR last. Jesus showed her that when she carries the weight of worry and anxiety, she is slowing herself down and not doing her best. I had her confess to Jesus that she was partnering with worry, and she asked Him to help her run HER best. Jesus is building her life story and had a lesson that she can choose to partner with worry and anxiety or trust Him to help her. A lesson that she will need to choose for the rest of her life.

PEACEFUL HOMES

I want to encourage you to make a small yet significant shift in your parenting. First, switch your focus from trying to rid them of conflict to growing them to avoid the conflict. There is a radical difference between the two. Move from being a constant referee to being their teacher to set them up for success. Second, we cannot help someone if we first do not know what the issue is. The next time they are in conflict, instead of reacting, stop for a moment and watch what is going on. It is not about who has what toy, but rather issues of selfishness, impatience, lack of self-control, rudeness, etc. – pinpointing where your child needs to grow and mature is vital to helping them. Third, teach them what you want in times of peace. The Kingdom is righteousness, peace, and joy (Romans 14:17), and it is okay to teach and equip our children with the tools of JOY. Make it fun, be creative, and partner with joy in your parenting. Training in the times of peace will give you tools to use in the moments of conflict. Teaching during conflict has proven to be far less effective. Fourth, children are creative. You could tell them ‘NO’ all day long, and they will still come up with another creative way to do something. Focus 90% of your parenting on teaching and training in the times of peace what you DO want. Role-play what selfishness looks like at the table, in the car, with toys, and then model for them what you DO want from them during those situations. This empowers them with how to succeed. 

INSTRUCTING VS. TEACHING

Proverbs 22:6 – “Teach a child to choose the right path, and when he is older, he will remain upon it.”

Teach – verb 1. show or explain to (someone) how to do something. There is a difference between dictating laws and teaching them. Instructions can turn into rules/laws, which is legalism. Teaching is the verb of Jesus! Ex. A child steals something from the store. We can instruct our children that we don’t steal, or we can teach them WHY a loving Father doesn’t desire for His children to steal from others. Ex. A child hits his sister. We can discipline and reprimand the child for his behavior, or we can teach them HOW hitting affects others. Ex. A child doesn’t listen to you. We can pull out parenting tools of control and fear, or we can teach them WHAT obedience looks like. Are you instructing or teaching your children?

CALLING ALL DADS!

By God’s design, dads are the ones who speak protection, provision, and identity over children. I want to stir up the anointing that each father has to speak protection and covering over their child. I implore you to rise up as the superhero that you are in your child’s life and cover them with the cape of your words. 

Here are some creative ways to communicate covering to your child: 

  • Put a big blanket around your back and outstretch your arms like wings. 
  • Come to them and pull them close under your wing and tell them that just like the blanket offers shelter, you are there to cover and protect them. 
  • Read with them Matthew 18:10 and show them that they have a personal angel assigned to them. 
  • Put your hand over their heart and pray over them. Tell them that you are so glad God allowed you to be their dad and that you take your job to keep them safe seriously. 
  • Validate that a lot is going on in the world right now but that they are safe and secure in your house. 
  • Ask them if they are worried or concerned about anything and process it together. Just asking alone makes them feel safe and secure. 
  • Gather the family and read out loud Psalms 91. Act out parts of the verse to help them understand deeper. 
  • Intentionally speak their love language today. If you do not know what it is, take the online quiz as a family to discover each person’s language of love.

Break agreement with the lie that your wife is better at this stuff than you are. God has given you a powerful role to speak protection over your family, and they need to be reminded of that in this hour when so much is swirling around in the atmosphere. Go be their superhero!

P.S. This is for dads of children of all ages. Adult children need to hear words of protection and covering over their fathers too. Pick up the phone and leave them a voicemail or shoot them a message.

ENCOUNTER THE FATHER

The goal is not to use spiritual tools to ‘fix’ our children. The goal is to lead our children to an encounter with their Father!

JOURNEY NOT DESTINATION

The goal is not to be airlifted and dropped in the middle of the ocean just to say you have arrived in the depths. The goal is to do the journey with Him every step of the way. He is much more interested in your JOURNEY with Him than He is with your destination. So, what do you have going on today? Do it WITH Him.

LINGER WITH JESUS

Fight to be a Mary in this loud season. Find His feet and linger there. This affects your mind and heart and brings a calm and peace your children are desperate for at this hour. They don’t want to be doing more; they want to know the peace from a mother that has gazed upon Jesus long enough to transform her.

LAYING THE FOUNDATION

FIRST – When an issue comes up, you must ask yourself, “Have I taught, trained, and equipped them in this area?” That means, have you proactively taught them how to handle disappointments, the difference between right and wrong, how to handle when someone else wants your toy, or how to respond when someone is being unloving before the conflict? These things require intentional parenting in times of peace. This is where you get to cuddle, connect, go on dates, have family meetings, etc. You get to fill up their love tanks by connecting through intentional teaching with Mom and Dad. Much of the early toddler years are spent doing this very thing – some days without ceasing! It is the heart that says, “Hey, son/daughter, I have something to show (or teach) you.”

SECOND – Look for opportunities in real life to apply the thing you are trying to teach. This is where the training part comes in. You practice, practice, practice with real-life situations. Will a 2-year-old master self-control in the first week? Nope! You will be an intentional parent for 18 years and will need to teach and train them in the area of self-control in every stage of their life. Perhaps with a 2-year-old, your training subject will not be getting the toy they desire. When they are 10, it will be about completing their homework each night, and perhaps when they are 18, it will be having self-control with the opposite sex. These character traits should be something we build upon as they get older.

THIRD – You now have a foundation upon which you can build. Say you have already laid the first and second part of the foundation in the area of self-control. Now, when you take them to a meeting where they need to sit quietly, you can pull out that teaching and training to prepare them for what you expect from them. You can begin role-playing in certain situations. I would often park the van at the grocery store parking lot to do a quick family huddle about what was expected and how we could proactively use the skills I had just taught them. Here’s what it would sound like: “Hey guys, who wants dinner tonight? Okay, we are going to go into the grocery store for food, not toys. Hudson, will you get the door for us? Lauren, do you want to push the cart? Emma, will you be my big helper and put the food in the cart for me?” I am now leaning into the skills that I have taught them and cashing in on them. I am building us all up for a successful shopping trip. We are all doing our part while we are connected and creating fun family memories versus an unfruitful and frustrating experience for all.

LAST – When a foundation has been established, THEN you can add discipline, such as time-outs, consequences, removing privileges, etc. Can you see how confusing it would be to a child when parents keep disciplining them for the ‘NO’ behaviors but never spend time teaching them what IS acceptable? You could say it looks like this:

  • An issue arises that you want to see a change in (every family will be different on this).
  • Proactively teach during times of peace, using it as a connecting time to get to their heart. 
  • Now coach them by role-playing that issue in real-life situations. 
  • Look for opportunities where they can proactively apply that skill.
  • Discipline is now appropriate if the child chooses not to use the training you have established for them. 

Here’s another real-life example: Let’s say you are shopping, and your kids are touching everything, running crazy, and having a meltdown for a new toy. You have a few options. You can: #1. Conclude your children aren’t old enough for an outing to the store, and thus put the burden on yourself to either pay for a sitter or go late after they are in bed. #2. Get mad, yell, scream, and then feel awful! OR #3. Teach and train your children what it looks like to have self-control at the store. I heard a story of a mom who was so fed up with her grocery trips that she sat her kids down and explained to them what was required. Then every single day for an entire week, they would go to the store, not to buy anything, just to walk up and down the aisles so the kids could practice! That mom is now reaping the tasty fruit of grocery shopping in peace. Oh, did you hear that? What was the Kingdom of God again? Righteousness, peace, and joy! What is a specific area you need to intentionally go after in teaching and training your child?

BEING A LIGHT

A MOM SHARED – “I work in an emergency room, and one day a very patient and loving mother came in with her toddler. I asked if she was a teacher and commented on how patient and caring she was towards her toddler, as most people in the ER are not that full of grace with their children. She told me about LET THE CHILDREN FLY, so here I am, as she just really modeled the type of mother that I would like to be.”