HELPING CHILDREN OVERCOME TRAUMA

HELPING CHILDREN OVERCOME TRAUMA

  • Family Circle, Heart Splinters

HELPING CHILDREN OVERCOME TRAUMA

Trauma – a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.

Think for a moment about your child’s life back in 2020. Perhaps it wasn’t perfect, but within a short time, your child was thrown into a whirlwind of being home 24/7. Not being able to see friends or go out to the park, learning without peers, sitting in front of a computer, many faced hours alone as their mom and dad still worked. Some went without food, increased sibling conflict, missed birthday parties, felt fear all around them, not being able to go to church or their favorite store, and then the anger and violence that was unleashed in nearly every city. Most adults can’t comprehend all that is going on, much less a child whose brain isn’t fully developed. Folks, this is trauma. Add another layer of what was released in the atmosphere and the paralyzing fear, worry, and anger that slimed people without notice or warning. Kids feel it too.

While I am not trying to create a doomsday post, there is a reality that this past season has been brutal for some children. The events themselves do not bring damage to children. How adults respond to trauma can make a challenging event a lifelong wound. Your role is KEY! #1. Know your child’s love language and fill it DAILY! Five minutes of intentional “I see you” can fill their heart. #2. Connection – Talking, engaging, asking questions, hugging, smiling, listening, etc. Merely hanging out 24/7 is not the same as actually connecting to their hearts. #3. Joy releases a chemical in our brain that increases our will to fight and endure hard things. Dance parties, giggles, wrestling matches, dinner in the living room, tickling, being silly, special treats, dancing on the bed, or splashing in the rain. Your child NEEDS joy!

I know it is hard to give when you are enduring the same battle, but your response in this hour matters. Help children overcome by filling them up with love, connection, and joy, which are heaven’s tools to overcome. 

Validation – recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile. Validation is not trying to move someone out of their space but giving them permission to be where they are at.

It is saying things like: “I am sorry that _____.” “It is not okay that _____.” “It makes me mad that_____.” “You didn’t deserve that.” “That must have been so hard when_____.” “Man, that stinks!” “You are so much more than that.”

BECOMING WHOLE

“I came to Lisa because I was finally ready to admit something that was extremely painful. There was an apparent disconnect between myself and my oldest daughter, and I did not love her like my other child. Something in my life held me back from embracing her wholeheartedly. I remember holding her as an infant and not bonding with her; fear would not allow me to snuggle and kiss her. I was terrified of her dying of SIDS. As my wife and I met Lisa, she walked me through a beautiful process with the Holy Spirit of identifying when I first let fear into my life (before this session with Lisa, I hadn’t even considered this incident in 30 years). I was now able to forgive the family member and be set free from living under fear. That night right before bedtime, I sat down with my oldest daughter, looked her in the eyes, and said, ‘I have something important I want to tell you. When you were first born, I was so afraid that something bad could happen to you that I put up a wall of protection around my heart. Do you forgive me for not loving you with my whole heart?’ She said yes, and we hugged. I honestly don’t think that we have ever embraced like that in the seven years of her little life. Not only did the wall come down in my heart, but the wall in her heart came down. Presently my daughter and I are experiencing new levels of peace and freedom that, up until then, I had been jealous of. I have grieved for these moments, and now we are becoming whole.” 

EXPOSING FEAR 3/3

Fear is a tool the enemy uses to paralyze us and stop us from moving forward. Fear always comes with a LIE. Lies are not true and are almost always in the tune of God being powerless, small, or absent. We are created to crave God, but FEAR is the number one thing stopping us. We fear that if we surrender entirely to Him, He will send us to a remote area, take our children away, or require something of us we don’t feel equipped to do. Would it shock you to know that the same fear tactic the enemy uses on you, he uses on your neighbors? What if the fear you are fearing is just a LIE to get YOU to partner with the shore so that you never go after the GOODNESS of God? To fear God in the above way reveals that we do not really know our Father. The fear reduces you to being powerless, which is the whole point. To know Him is to trust Him, and to trust Him is to experience His radical goodness. Draw a line in the sand and tell fear it is time to GO!

HOLY SPIRIT SHOWED UP

This was the first time I experienced partnering with God to remove the heart splinters in my children. It was glorious and left me hungry to live this as a family lifestyle.

I finally ordered my son to his room to give us all a break from the constant strife. Moments later, as I walked down to his room, I vividly remember saying, “Holy Spirit, I have no idea if I am going to yell at him, spank him, hug him or play with him when I get there, but You do!” And then I remember adding a little, “… And you better show up quick!” The moment I entered his room, it was like I could ‘see’ pain in him. I got this impression to grab a stack of paper. I sat on the floor with my (then) 5-year-old son and had him wad up a piece of paper and throw it, but while he was throwing it, he had to call out how he felt about his dad leaving. “I am mad he can’t play ball with me” (throws the paper ball and makes a new one), “I am mad I am the only boy in the family” (throws the ball and makes a new one), “I am sad he can’t tuck me in at night.” This hurting child threw nearly 50 paper balls, and by the end, he was weeping. It was one of the most painful moments for me as a mom to watch this pain seep out of him, but it had to get out. In the end, I scooped him in my arms and just held him. I called forth his worth and value and that he was fiercely loved and wanted. From that moment on, the ‘sting’ was gone from being fatherless (not that there wasn’t more to process, but the splinter was gone). There are adult men and women all over the world who are dealing with the trauma of being fatherless, but as parents, we CAN partner with Holy Spirit to give us creative ways to deal with the hurt, lies, and offenses of childhood IN childhood!

“NO ONE LIKES ME”

Has your child ever come home from school, youth group, or a friend’s house and declared that their peers do not like them? It is hard to hear, isn’t it? Let me empower you on how to help your child walk through it. It is brutal to feel like you don’t belong because God created us with wiring TO belong. Belonging was one of the things stolen in the Garden. When a child experiences belonging, they start becoming who they are called to be. When a child experiences a lack of acceptance, they shrink back and partner with timidity and smallness, which robs those around them of who they were created to be. There are reasons why children experience a lack of belonging with their peers. Sometimes they do not fit in because there is something within them that needs to be matured or revealed. Humility and intentional parenting are required to help them overcome. Let me give you an example.

Years ago, I was a nanny for one of the wealthiest families in Minnesota. The six-year-old girl loved opening soda cans and pouring out all of the sweet sugar. The bees loved it too. The family’s full-time caretaker asked her many times to please stop. She looked at him and said, “My name is Anna ___. I can do whatever I want.” Her parents almost lost two employees that day. My first thought was, “How sad that where your parents failed to teach you, your peers will.” That attitude won’t fly with peers; they could care less about how much money your daddy has or how spoiled you have been at home. You can’t do whatever you want just because you feel like it and have been falsely empowered to do so at home. In this case, the response from peers, while it wouldn’t feel good, is a gift to help you see where you may need to come into greater maturity. One of my goals in parenting has been to accurately discern my child’s weaknesses and help empower them with tools for success and growth so that they don’t have to learn it the hard way through the rejection of peers. But there are times when nothing about the child warrants pushback from peers, but it happens anyway. I want to open your view of what is happening. Satan hates unity. There is strength in numbers, and his goal is to separate and devour. When there is love and unity among us, God’s Kingdom advances. There is an assignment against your child in this area specifically, and none of them are exempt from having to walk through this. Something happens, say three girls are hanging out and one girl feels left out of the conversation, which feels uncomfortable, but then the enemy comes and whispers, “You are all alone. No one likes you,” and it may FEEL true at that moment. A child partners with it, and now the lie is a part of their belief system.

Another example is that a child makes a foolish comment that lacks maturity (which happens all the time and should be expected of a child who has not yet become a full adult), and the receiver owns the comment as truth. They must be taught that not all comments, even from the popular kids, are true and accurate. Another example might be when the teacher calls on a student, and they don’t know the answer. This is common and normal in a classroom setting where everyone is learning and growing. The child feels embarrassed, and the enemy whispers shame and smears their intelligence with lies. They then shrink back in shame with their peers. When a child is partnering with shame and rejection as their identity, other children can feel it, even if their minds don’t understand it. It is like they have a sign on their back that says, “I am rejected.” Sometimes when a child reports over and over how others are treating them, it is wise to ask Jesus to reveal what lies they are believing about themselves (and therefore projecting). The next time your child declares no one likes them, ask Jesus to show you if this is a lack of character on their part that requires additional parenting help or if it is an attack of the enemy on their identity.

TAKE BACK GROUND IN OUR FAMILIES

Is sibling conflict breaking out in your home? It did in our house, and I AM SO GLAD! I am keeping our days moving by having a balance of rest, school, and movement. I got two of them settled on a project and took another for a brisk walk with the dog. While coming back inside the house, I could FEEL strife and knew there was conflict. My daughter came to me sobbing, telling me how she was mean to her sister and pushed her. Her tears were massive, and she was fully repentant, confessing her wrongdoings. I told her she was indeed wrong and that a consequence was appropriate, but that life was pretty hard these days, and I wanted her to spend an hour in her room alone processing and giving her heart a voice to herself. She is my easy-going, always smiling, glass-is-half-full child, and her heart needed to get real – life IS challenging right now. I moved to the other child involved, who flashed this massive smile across her face as I approached her. She did not know that I knew about the conflict. I asked how she was doing, and she said, “Great.” I said, “Really? How can you be doing great if your sister just pushed you?” and she burst into tears. I instructed her too to go into her room and spend an hour giving her heart a voice. She not only lied to me but herself. I went to her after a bit, and she began to unpack how her sister doesn’t like her and has been rude and disrespectful to her for days and that her heart was hurting. I went back to the offending child and asked what was going on, and she, too, broke down, telling of pains and hurts that have been piling up between them. 

LET’S ASK JESUS

Ask, “Father, is there a wall between us?”

If you heard yes ask, “What is the name of the wall?”

Ask Him what tool He wants you to use to tear down the wall.

Use the tool and your free will to tear the wall down.

Gather as a family in the living room, in the car, at the dinner table, or bedtime, and ask Jesus together. This is so empowering for children because they get to witness how God communicates with you, which increases their faith, and together you get to encounter Him. Spiritual hearing is a muscle that is strengthened by worshiping and praying. The more you do it, the stronger you become at it.

DUSTY ROAD

Friends, as bloody, bruised, and betrayed as you may feel, you have got to walk your path to Calvary. Only in that place can you truly rise again. We must must must teach our children to be quick to let go of hurts and offenses, like the hot potato game. It’s okay that you caught it but feel the heat and toss it off of you quickly.

I SPY

In the days ahead, be spies for God by calling out every time you see God showing His love, protection, care and tenderness for your children. When you see God’s faithfulness, love, and protection over them, call it out. 

“Sweetie, that was God. He loves you so much”, “Buddy, that was God watching out for you”, “WOW, I love how God takes care of you by _____.”

ABORTION

Do you remember Pilot Sullenberger (Sully), who landed his plane in the Hudson River, saving the lives of all his 155 passengers? His aircraft lost both engines after flying through a flock of geese. Despite being a hero, the NTSB brought charges against him because he didn’t save the plane. During the trial, they had flight simulators that ‘proved’ he should have turned the plane around after the engines shut down and that he could have successfully landed in LaGuardia. Wisdom from experts created evidence against his choice.

Finally, his voice was heard. He agreed that there may have been a ‘perfect’ outcome, but he gives voice to the fact the simulators could not factor in having the weight of human life in your hands and making a split-second decision that will affect you the rest of your life. After that, all charges were dropped. It is easy to have perfect wisdom when you are clear-minded, but other factors control and impact the outcome when you are in a real-life situation.

I have a hard time taking an ‘in your face’ public stance against abortion, not because I am not pro-life, I AM, but because I SEE the mom, not just the child. I cringe when I see people standing up for the child and, in the meantime pushing the hurt further in the mom. I want to paint a picture to help you understand how a young mother could choose to end her child’s life. The enemy preys on situations that shock our system. The bill that arrived in the mail, a loss of a job, experiencing someone’s rage, the death of a loved one, etc. In these moments, our minds and nervous system are overwhelmed. This is when the enemy comes in and whispers lies that feel true. We partner with lies at that moment because we have ‘evidence’ that the lie is true (even though it is not). When a young girl finds herself pregnant, the shock alone is paralyzing. Many of them are still walking out puberty, where their emotions and thinking aren’t fully developed. The news is like putting a heavy blanket on a young puppy. It is too heavy for them to process and carry. “You aren’t old enough,” “You will ruin your child,” “Your mom will kill you if she finds out,” “People will think you are a whore”, “You will never have a life again,” “You can’t do this,” “The father will never walk this out with you,” “You are all alone,” “You don’t even have a car,” “You will never get a job now that you have a child,” and on and on it goes. Shame kicks in, which causes many to isolate themselves from family and community. They attempt to carry the weight alone and are left with their limited fear-based thinking to create a solution. They are now in extreme emotional isolation. Emotions trigger thoughts, and thoughts trigger emotions. It spirals out of control, and the ‘what if’ game brings torment. Fear races through their minds at the realization they can’t even fully care for themselves yet, much less the burden and responsibility of another child. Remember the scene in Titanic when the water was entering the cabin, and they were sucking the last bit of air out of the corner before the water completely engulfed them? Now picture that person gasping for air with a child attached to them. The inadequacy is paralyzing, and a spirit of fear is in operation.

We have girls in shame, fear, and isolation – all tools of the enemy that gain the legal right to influence. The abortion movement is ‘wisdom’ inspired by the enemy to steal, kill and destroy the next generation. They go under the disguise of ‘helping,’ but it is like burning down the house to kill a spider. It may have removed the ‘problem’ but leaves scars deep inside. When a young mom partners with shame and fear, it is like putting a magnet on herself. The abortion industry is there to ‘save’ them from this situation and also has a magnet attached to it. Both sides attract each other in the spiritual realm. It isn’t the young mom in a rational, clear-minded place walking into the abortion clinic; it is a young mom who is being influenced by the spirit of fear, profound shame, and deep emotional isolation that leads her there. After the abortion, the mental torment ceases, and the dust clears, leaving her to realize what she has just done. She must choose one of two roads – deal with the pain of her reality or push it down so deep it blinds her conscience. Rationalizing in their mind but knowing in their spirit otherwise.

We can demand a ‘perfect’ choice, but unless we understand what is in operation and HOW a young mom can be seduced to end the life inside of her, we will not help them choose otherwise. The battle is not won on the picket line but in the spiritual realm. The enemy’s plan is to use fear, shame, and isolation to lure the young mom into the abortion clinic, where she volunteers to end her child’s life. God’s plan is to use community, love, and acceptance to help the young mom navigate a very challenging situation. This is where true mothers and fathers are needed the most because life is literally dependent upon it.