This is an excellent statement from a mom in class: “He is faithful to answer your parenting questions AND help you work out your childhood hurts at the same time.”
If we allow our own childhood experiences to go unresolved, it will cause us to parent from the wrong place.
My daughter woke up early with me, so we went on a date to grab drive-thru coffee and ended up at the bookstore. I noticed a book about the lies young girls believe and handed it to her. She spent a great deal of time browsing the contents and finally put the book down. I asked her why, and she said, “Because I don’t believe lies.” There was such an anointing on what she said. She was not saying she has never believed a lie, nor was she saying she is 100% lie-free, but she was right to say she doesn’t believe lies. I have taught my kids what lies feel like, and they have begun to self-govern when lies are being entertained in their minds. Lies always remove your peace, make your mind spin like crazy, and create feelings of anxiety, worry, and stress in your heart. When my children are feeling this, they know how to ask, “Jesus, what lies am I believing?” and they know how to ask Him for His truth. Can you imagine what this generation would look like if they knew how to stomp on the lies that come to steal, kill and destroy?
What does a child with a splinter in their heart look like? They act out, scream, yell, disobey, withdraw, pinch, hit, kick, isolate, slam doors, demand, cause trouble with siblings, have nightmares, cry, are rude, mean, don’t care, are disrespectful, etc.! This is why it is so vital to empower parents. You are the one who knows what is normal for your child. You are the one who knows when they are acting out from being hungry, tired, or something is out of line. You have known their cry since they were first ushered into your arms. You are the one God entrusted to listen to and care for them. When something seems out of character, ask Holy Spirit to show you what is going on inside of them. It may have little to do with their outward behavior. A child who is afraid may be acting very bossy. A child who believes the lie they are unlovable may be acting like a bully. A child who is offended may act like they don’t care. Ask Holy Spirit to show you!
A dad sent me this message, and it touched me so deeply.
“I wanted to send you a message to let you know how much I appreciate you! My wife and I are grateful that God put you in our lives. We have been so blessed by your teaching and the way God works through you. We would like to sponsor four families to take your course, 1 for each one of our kids. You have changed our family forever. Thank you!”
This is a gift of gratitude for what the Father has done and inviting other children to join in the same legacy. Jesus!
I want my life to be a vessel of transformation for others to find, see and experience Him. Messages like this make me stop and thank God for the way He set me free and gave me a voice to help others.
A mom taking our JOURNEY class shares: “I felt like I could actually comprehend who I was created to be by doing this lesson. This is changing me deeply, and I’m so excited to feel it!”
Parents, you are not powerless to help your child! You might need some additional tools, but you are not powerless. Nothing is wrong with you that your child is screaming out for help. Let’s get you some more tools so that you can go after these issues in childhood.
Please read PART ONE first.
You Have Work To Do!
If you have a white lineage, I encourage you to go before the Lord today and ask for forgiveness on behalf of your family line, heritage, and ancestors for any way they participated in the dehumanizing, abuse, and control of black people in the name of slavery (through purchase or attitude). I encourage you to ask for forgiveness for any way your family line has partnered with the attitude and belief of supremacy and hierarchy based on race.
Gather your children and talk about the issue of race. Talk about how it would feel to be excluded your whole life simply because of your hair color. We owe them their history, even if it isn’t always pretty. We owe them the truth so that they can be empowered to change their world. Have them write out an “I am sorry” card and offer it to Jesus. Have them write out declarations and speak into the atmosphere that we are all equally made in God’s image (Genesis 1:26-28).
If you have a black lineage, I encourage you to get before the Lord today and ask for forgiveness on behalf of your family line, heritage, and ancestors for any way they have come under the spirit of control and partnered with rebellion or rejection (victim spirit) in defense. I encourage you to spend some intentional time today forgiving those who have caused you and your family line harm, hardship, and cruelty. This will not be won naturally because we are reaping the fruit of the strongholds created generations ago. Each person must do their own part to clean up the mess we were handed, put their stake in the ground, and declare we will not tolerate this any longer.
Does your child have an increased issue using hurtful tones and snapping words? If so, it could be GRIEF! Children are grieving. They have lost the world known to them. They have lost what was important to them. They have lost what is familiar. They have lost connection. They have lost their sense of belonging (which comes from peers). Managing their behavior is only helpful if their behavior is rooted in their flesh or ill character. If their behavior is because of grief, we must help them process their pain. Pain is messy, and we must be willing to see what is really going on in their hearts if we want them to overcome this very challenging season. How? Children respond well to VERBS to help process their hearts. Ask them to draw a picture of how their heart feels. Set up daily phone calls with someone outside of the family. Create a zoom call with their favorite classmates. Let them email or text their teacher. Buy them a special stuffed animal to cuddle with when they are sad. Let them see their friends! Create a special party for someone they haven’t seen in a while. Buy them a journal to write how they feel. Set up a time for them to spend the night elsewhere. Ask Holy Spirit what their heart needs!!
Instead of partnering with condemnation or moving into behavior modification, listen to what your anger is really saying. Jesus wants to hear the voice under the emotions.
Black Sheep – a family member who stands out for being odd and different. They go against the flow of the family, often causing issues. The term has to do with sheep having white wool, and the one that has black wool not only stands out but typically has less value. They have been judged to have ‘less value’ alone, which tells us this term is not the right kingdom. Typically, the child who rebels against the family’s operating system does so with anger, resistance, attitudes, and conflict because they are young and immature and do not yet have the communication or skill sets to address the issues they are coming up against. But just because their delivery is flawed doesn’t mean WHAT they are trying to say is wrong. Countless times in coaching sessions, parents will come to me with the one child who brings so much chaos into the home. After we explore the situation with Holy Spirit, we learn that the child is rebelling against something in the parent that needs to come into alignment. God knits our children in HIS image, but with us in mind. Let’s not be so quick to label a child as the black sheep when God is using the purity of their heart to align something in us. Maybe they aren’t the ‘black sheep’ but the HERO of your story!
Is your heart caught in a cycle of saying “I am sorry” over and over from a mess you made with your children? I ministered to a mom who said with tears streaming down her face, “I will beg my son for forgiveness for the rest of my life.” I told her that needed to stop and that I wanted to help her resolve that once and for all. While the world would tell her she messed up and made poor choices, I see it differently. She is a product of choices that her parents and grandparents made. She did not have the language or tools to discern what was going on in her world. She needed drugs and alcohol to escape the torment and pain. I don’t think that is a bad mom. I think that is a mom who needs help becoming a Daughter. When we make messes with our children (we all do) and partner with the accuser, we wallow in guilt and condemnation. We then come to our children in a bent over, broken, pathetic, insecure way that only makes THEM feel unsafe. We are teaching them that mistakes are fatal. We need to be modeling for them grace, forgiveness, and connection even when we are at our worst. I coached this mom on how to forgive herself, and then I taught her how to minister to her son’s pain. Yes, he suffered heartbreak because of her choices (he was taken away when she was in jail), but IN THAT PLACE is where we get to show them who Jesus is. I coached her on how to begin to have conversations with her son that mistakes do not equal rejection or abandonment. Just like he gets time outs for his choice, mom had hers, but Jesus never left him. This mom who is becoming a Daughter just got reunited with her son full-time! If you think about them, pray for them as they continue to walk this out – together!
