FAMILY BY GOD’S DESIGN

FAMILY BY GOD’S DESIGN

How many have been raised with the belief that family looks like this:

God

Jesus

Holy Spirit

Dad

Mom

Eldest sibling

Middle child

Baby of the family

Dog

While it is certainly true that a parent has more authority, experience, wisdom, and money than a child and that a child has more authority than the family pet, this is not God’s design for the family. Family flows in a CIRCLE. Often, the littlest of these bring about the most change in others. God uses the entire family to transform each other. Siblings give us the training ground to become healthy adults. Parents learn childlike joy from their toddlers. The dog teaches us responsibility (caring for them). The goldfish teaches us discipline (feeding them). Dads teach us to be sacrificial. Moms teach us to be kind. Special needs siblings teach us to be patient. And on and on. In God’s family, no one has ‘arrived,’ and all are on a journey learning from each other. 

HE IS MY ANCHOR

My goal is to take your hand and place it in Jesus’ hand so that you walk this out together with Him. He is the One who sees, knows, and holds the keys to your freedom. He is the One who purchased your forgiveness, healing, and wholeness. He is the One able to heal, redeem and restore. He is the One who loves you far beyond what your mind can grasp. He is the One who understands. Jesus is your friend. Holy Spirit is your guide, and Father God is your anchor.

Invite Him by praying, “Holy Spirit, I welcome You to come and reveal whatever it is You want to show me. I ask for an increase in Your peace and presence. Open my eyes to see what You see. Open my ears to hear what You have to say. Open my heart so that I can receive all that You have for me. In Jesus’ name.”

HE IS WITH US

There isn’t a mom out there who can’t identify with my friend:

“This week, one of my kiddos is trying out for a new sport. For a few reasons, there is a good chance he won’t make the team. He knows this but is hopeful and excited to give it a go. I love this! At the same time, it stirs emotions in my own heart of fear. I think it triggers the times I faced disappointment or rejection as a kid and also stirs my mama heart that wants to protect my kids from any pain. But the truth is that facing disappointment is not the source of our greatest pain. Our greatest pain comes when we have to walk through troubles and disappointments alone. On the flip side, knowing that there is always someone by our side to walk through the ups and downs of life gives us strength and courage to face the big emotions that come with disappointment and find our way back to joy. As I was meditating on this thought, I heard a song on my computer that reiterated this point (Highs and Lows by Hillsong). It was as if God was confirming in my heart that He is with my kids through all they face in life and that He is with me. God tells us not to fear – not because trials won’t come, not because we will feel no pain in life, but because He is with us. What great comfort and encouragement this brings to my soul.”

MAMA’S TEMPER TANTRUM

Can anyone relate to this mom’s experience?

“I am so beyond grateful for your friendship and teaching! Because of what you have shared/taught, I was able to reach my baby girl’s heart through a temper tantrum, and in doing so, God was able to reach mine through my internal tantrum.”

I CRIED OUT AND HE SHOWED UP

This is how things got activated for me, too. I cried out, hungry for His help, and He showed up – BIG TIME. This mom shares the same thing.

“Religion is hard and forced. There is ease in our relationship with our Father as we parent His children together. I didn’t sit down and think or honestly even pray about what we needed to do; HE just started doing it through me in the moment!!! Makes parenting so much more fun!!!”

HIS COMMANDS COMFORT ME

I was so struck while reading Psalm 119:143 – “In my distress and anguish your commandments comfort me.” I was reading commands as in obedience, but as I sat with this longer, the revelation came. What does God command us to do? To praise, not fear, rejoice, and give thanks. Whoa!

Praise – gets our eyes off our circumstances and on Him. We become whatever we set our gaze to.

Not fear – fear sabotages our faith.

Rejoice – means to partner with.

JOY – joy releases a natural chemical in our brain that restores our passion and fight.

Give thanks – focuses on what He has already done (and is capable of doing again).

The nature of distress is extreme anxiety. The nature of anguish is server suffering. God’s COMMANDS bring us back to the reality that He sees. He is in control; He is able; He has done it before and can do it again. Yes, His commands comfort me.

HE IS FOR YOU

I was reading a book and felt an invitation to ask Father God, “Are You mad at me?” My mind knows He is not, but my heart needed to hear it. I then asked Jesus and the Holy Spirit the same question. I was undone by their responses of love, grace, and tenderness to me. Oh, do we ever have a fortress around us in our time of need. It’s okay to need to ask Him to show you His truth.

PLAYDATES

Playdates are the best kind of summer school.

There is nothing sweeter than a playdate on a lazy summer afternoon. These can be the best outlets for training ground with your children. Host a playdate and let your child play naturally like they usually would do, but keep within earshot of them interacting with their friends. What are you hearing? What are you seeing? Are they being kind and gracious and putting other people first, or do they need help in these areas?

After the playdate is over, sit down and have a conversation with them or role-play some of the things that have happened. Empower them by explaining how they could have done it differently or show them new skills to apply in those same situations. After a few days, invite that friend over again and see how they implement the tools. I encourage you to remind them before the playdate about the tools or maybe even have hand signs as code words. Perhaps they need to learn to put their friends’ desires first, so maybe you want to have a code word of putting up your pinky finger. This keeps your child protected from shame in front of their friends and is the little code word between the two of you where you are letting them know they need to increase putting other people first.

Children have both strengths and weaknesses. Let me give you an example of how a child’s strengths can turn into a weakness. My daughter is a super strong leader. I probably would have let her stay at home and babysit at the age of 5 if it was legal. But because she’s such a strong leader, and has the end result as her focus, she has little regard for the success of others. I do not want to shut down her strength, but I do want to strengthen her weakness. So while the leadership skills will be there no matter what, I have intentionally gone after teaching her to lead in love. We have talked about it, role-played and I have given her plenty of intentional situations in which she can apply leadership in love.

Tell them stories about your friends growing up. What are some things that your friends did that made you come alive and felt very important?. What are some things your friends have done over the years that have hurt your heart or shaped who you are in a way that God did not intend?

Do you have kids who like to interrupt you? I taught the kids in the time of peace what I expected, and then we role-played, practiced, and got good at the technique before we were in ‘need’ of it. I explained that they are SOOO important, but so am I. When I am in the middle of something with someone ELSE, I need the respect of not having someone demanding my attention elsewhere. We had FUN role-playing what a demanding child looks like when Mama is talking to someone else or on the phone. We talked about WHY interrupting wasn’t okay and how it made others feel. The bottom line it is a self-control issue. I instructed them to put their hand on my arm, which signaled, “Mom, I need you.” It is important then for the adult to put their hand over their hand, which means, “I see you.” Then, when the timing was appropriate, I would say, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, could you hold for a moment?” and would direct my attention to them. If they came barging into the room or demanding my attention, I would simply say, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, could you hold on for a moment?” And then I would say out loud to my child, “You are so important, but so is Mrs. Smith. I need you to wait until I am done,” and then when I got off the phone, we would role-play and practice again. My kids use this tool to this day, and it is golden to have respectful kids who know how to wait their turn.

Teach this to your child and then set up a playdate specifically to practice this way of learning how to get your attention when you are busy.

Childhood is not the season to expect perfection but to give them the tools to live successful lives.

TRAINING A CHILD TO HEAR YOU

It is important to teach a child’s brain to learn how to engage, not just to listen. If he is watching TV and you shout out from the other room to do something, chances are his ears heard you, but his mind didn’t. Especially when they are younger, this requires intentional effort on your part, but you will reap the fruit for years to come. Stop what YOU are doing, go to them, get down on their level, hold out your hands, and tell him to put his hands in yours. You aren’t controlling him, forcing, or using anger to make him obey. If it takes 5 minutes for him to put his hands in your hands, that is okay. He is learning. Once his hands are in your hands (and you don’t hold on to control – he has free will), tell him to look at your eyes and then state what you need/want. When you start this, it can feel like you are spending so much time just getting his attention to say one sentence, but really you are sowing into teaching him about self-control, respect, honor, and engagement. If at any time he pulls his hands away or stops looking at you, cease talking and be silent until he returns his eyes to you, then instruct he puts his hands back, and the moment he does begin speaking again. It is okay if this takes time and practice. The other thing is that when kids are required to respond with a “Yes, Mom/Dad,” they are much more engaged in completing the instruction than when they do not respond. I worked really hard on this when they were younger, but it soon became the norm.

I SPY

In the days ahead, be spies for God by calling out every time you see God showing His love, protection, care and tenderness for your children. When you see God’s faithfulness, love, and protection over them, call it out. 

“Sweetie, that was God. He loves you so much”, “Buddy, that was God watching out for you”, “WOW, I love how God takes care of you by _____.”