ENCOUNTER, NOT PERFECTION

ENCOUNTER, NOT PERFECTION

  • Kingdom Parenting

ENCOUNTER, NOT PERFECTION

My goal isn’t to have perfect kids. My goal is to keep their heart in the palm of my hand and teach them a lifestyle of going to God even in the hard and messy places.

LISTENING TO HOLY SPIRIT

So proud of this mom for this glorious example of partnering with Him to parent your son. 

“Last night after dinner, I started cleaning up the kitchen, and my two-year-old was just impossible – screaming, crying, hanging on my leg, etc. I sensed the Holy Spirit telling me, ‘Leave what you are doing for later and go sit with your son.’ Even though everything in my perfectionist self shouted, ‘Look at the kitchen!’ I picked up my son and went to sit with him, just doing what he wanted to do, which ended up just sitting close on my lap and being with me. He was immediately calm and, at one point, looked up at me with so much love and gave me a kiss – which is something he very rarely does spontaneously, and it ended up such a special moment we spent together. Afterward, everything else also went smoothly (bath time and bedtime). I realized that he needed his love tank filled. I am so happy I listened to the Holy Spirit.”

LAYING THE FOUNDATION

FIRST – When an issue comes up, you must ask yourself, “Have I taught, trained, and equipped them in this area?” That means, have you proactively taught them how to handle disappointments, the difference between right and wrong, how to handle when someone else wants your toy, or how to respond when someone is being unloving before the conflict? These things require intentional parenting in times of peace. This is where you get to cuddle, connect, go on dates, have family meetings, etc. You get to fill up their love tanks by connecting through intentional teaching with Mom and Dad. Much of the early toddler years are spent doing this very thing – some days without ceasing! It is the heart that says, “Hey, son/daughter, I have something to show (or teach) you.”

SECOND – Look for opportunities in real life to apply the thing you are trying to teach. This is where the training part comes in. You practice, practice, practice with real-life situations. Will a 2-year-old master self-control in the first week? Nope! You will be an intentional parent for 18 years and will need to teach and train them in the area of self-control in every stage of their life. Perhaps with a 2-year-old, your training subject will not be getting the toy they desire. When they are 10, it will be about completing their homework each night, and perhaps when they are 18, it will be having self-control with the opposite sex. These character traits should be something we build upon as they get older.

THIRD – You now have a foundation upon which you can build. Say you have already laid the first and second part of the foundation in the area of self-control. Now, when you take them to a meeting where they need to sit quietly, you can pull out that teaching and training to prepare them for what you expect from them. You can begin role-playing in certain situations. I would often park the van at the grocery store parking lot to do a quick family huddle about what was expected and how we could proactively use the skills I had just taught them. Here’s what it would sound like: “Hey guys, who wants dinner tonight? Okay, we are going to go into the grocery store for food, not toys. Hudson, will you get the door for us? Lauren, do you want to push the cart? Emma, will you be my big helper and put the food in the cart for me?” I am now leaning into the skills that I have taught them and cashing in on them. I am building us all up for a successful shopping trip. We are all doing our part while we are connected and creating fun family memories versus an unfruitful and frustrating experience for all.

LAST – When a foundation has been established, THEN you can add discipline, such as time-outs, consequences, removing privileges, etc. Can you see how confusing it would be to a child when parents keep disciplining them for the ‘NO’ behaviors but never spend time teaching them what IS acceptable? You could say it looks like this:

  • An issue arises that you want to see a change in (every family will be different on this).
  • Proactively teach during times of peace, using it as a connecting time to get to their heart. 
  • Now coach them by role-playing that issue in real-life situations. 
  • Look for opportunities where they can proactively apply that skill.
  • Discipline is now appropriate if the child chooses not to use the training you have established for them. 

Here’s another real-life example: Let’s say you are shopping, and your kids are touching everything, running crazy, and having a meltdown for a new toy. You have a few options. You can: #1. Conclude your children aren’t old enough for an outing to the store, and thus put the burden on yourself to either pay for a sitter or go late after they are in bed. #2. Get mad, yell, scream, and then feel awful! OR #3. Teach and train your children what it looks like to have self-control at the store. I heard a story of a mom who was so fed up with her grocery trips that she sat her kids down and explained to them what was required. Then every single day for an entire week, they would go to the store, not to buy anything, just to walk up and down the aisles so the kids could practice! That mom is now reaping the tasty fruit of grocery shopping in peace. Oh, did you hear that? What was the Kingdom of God again? Righteousness, peace, and joy! What is a specific area you need to intentionally go after in teaching and training your child?

PURE GOLD!

“This morning before school, we had an episode at home where a lie was involved. It resulted in us disciplining the child who had lied, who then decided to throw a fit, storming to her bedroom and locking herself in it. Daddy came to the rescue and managed to bring the child downstairs again to finish breakfast and get shoes on to head to school. I felt my child needed a little more explanation on why she was disciplined. I went on to explain that lying breaks Mommy’s trust and her heart. I tried to explain it from many angles and as easily as possible. The other child, who was not involved, comes in and says, ‘Mommy, could I try to explain it in a different way?’ I agreed. Said child puts her two hands together in the format of a bridge and says: ‘This is you (…), and this is Mommy. You guys are close, and you trust each other. When you lie, this bridge gets weaker.’ Slowly separating her hands, she proceeds, ‘Then, if you keep lying, the bridge will break because there will be no trust.’ So, we made an agreement, building a little bridge with our hands, that we would always tell the truth no matter how difficult that truth is and even if we are scared of telling the truth. I realized she was feeling a lot of shame because of telling a lie. So, Daddy (being the most amazing daddy in the world) said, ‘I also lied when I was a kid.’ Her eyes widened, and she asked, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘I was scared.’ I could sense shame falling off of her as she realized that she was not the only person that ever lied. I took the opportunity and also said, ‘Mommy has also lied because I was scared of being punished if I told the truth.’ I could tell she was mind blown by both of us admitting we had lied before. We reinforced the importance of telling the truth no matter what and got them ready for school. As soon as we were done, she jumped up and walked around like the full confident self she was. She came over to say goodbye to me, and we did our special handshakes, and at the end, we built a bridge again, and this time around, there was no shame in her eyes. Lessons learned in this. I’ll definitely take that illustration of trust with me forever. That’s gold! Vulnerability breaks shame! Boom! I love my family more than anything after Jesus!”

I CRIED OUT AND HE SHOWED UP

This is how things got activated for me, too. I cried out, hungry for His help, and He showed up – BIG TIME. This mom shares the same thing.

“Religion is hard and forced. There is ease in our relationship with our Father as we parent His children together. I didn’t sit down and think or honestly even pray about what we needed to do; HE just started doing it through me in the moment!!! Makes parenting so much more fun!!!”

TEACH IN THE TIME OF PEACE

May I encourage you to see something?

Think of the last thing you disciplined or got frustrated with your child over. Now ask yourself what you have done to proactively teach your child in that area. Parenting equals being a teacher, not just a disciplinarian. Set your child up for success by teaching them what you DO want, not just reacting to what you don’t want.

FAMILY IS A CIRCLE

Many of us were taught that the Biblical picture of the family is God, father, mother, and child, in that order of authority and rank. That is not the full view of God’s purpose for FAMILY. God should always be the center of all we do, including marriage and parenting. Yes, parents hold authority, covering, and wisdom above the child, but the part that is missing is that God knits together a child and sends them into your family to BLESS you. We receive from them just as much as they receive from us. As parents, we diligently teach and train our children. God uses our children to teach and train the parts of us that are out of alignment (generally from our own lack in childhood). Just like a child who is told to honor and obey their parents, we must receive the teaching and training God is giving us through our children. A better picture of how God intended family to operate would be a circle. Parents empower children using their wisdom, knowledge, and maturity. Children reveal what is in a parent that needs to come into alignment to increase capacity, abundance, and fruit.

A mom wrote: “I’ve realized this year just how much having children pushes on and exposes my childhood trauma. I have been facing brokenness I never knew existed until kids. It is HARD!! I so wish I could have gotten healing before I had kids! I hate that they are the victims of my process!”

My response to all parents – Oh, sweet friend. No, no, no, they are not victims of your process. God knew before He knit them together what you did/didn’t receive. He knit them together in HIS image, but with you in mind. It is God’s love for you that your children carry something that touches that part in you that needs healing and alignment. This is called FAMILY by God’s design. If you make a mess, you need to make it right with them, but there is nothing but grace in the process. Staying that way long term and hardening yourself to growth is how we pass it on to the next generation. But seeing our messy places AND doing something about it is GLORIOUS. You are allowing Him to crash in those places. Your children lack nothing because God is working this out. Your breakthrough is their inheritance. He is covering you today, sweet one!

MOVE YOUR GAZE

How many of you were parented in a way you do not wish to repeat with your children? If that is you, please hear this!!! When you vow not to parent like your parents, you fix your eyes on them and what they did/didn’t do. We yoke ourselves to whatever our eyes are set upon. Guess what? You will not be able to enter the fullness of what God has for you as a parent because your eyes are on man, not Him. Dad was intimidating – “I will never make my child feel intimidated”, Mom was emotional – “I will never show my child out-of-control emotions”, Dad was absent – “I will never leave my child alone”, Mom was angry – “I will never get angry with my child”, Dad was dominating -“I will never control my child”. While all of these may be true to some extent #1. You are seeing your parents through the eyes of a child. #2. You are replacing their less-than-ideal parenting with another faulty parenting plan. #3. You will rob yourself of parenting skills and tools and may look and feel like your parents, but it isn’t. The heart and motive behind parenting tools make all the difference in the world. You are using your parents’ choices to guide you, which will not lead you where you need to go. We can only parent fully when our eyes and heart are on HIM. We need to break the vow, “I will not parent like my mom/dad did,” and need to release to them their choices so that we are free to make our own.

I encourage you to spend some time today and walk through the following. Forgive your parents for the ways they parented you outside of the way God parents us. Repent of making a vow not to be like them. “Jesus, I confess I have yoked myself to my parent’s choices. I repent of putting my eyes on anyone other than You. Will You please forgive me?” Don’t just ask for forgiveness, but truly receive His reply. Ask Jesus, “Jesus, will You please show me what was going on inside my mom/dad to partner with that parenting style?” Allow Him to reveal to you what He sees in their heart and what is going on for them. The true fruit of forgiveness is the ability to have compassion for one’s ill choices, not because you like or accept them, but because you have a greater understanding. Ask Jesus, “Jesus, will You please show me what lies I have believed regarding my parenting?” Ask, “Father, will You please show me a picture of how I can model my parenting after You and Your heart?” Invite Holy Spirit to be your teacher. “Holy Spirit, I give You permission to show me how to parent after the Father’s heart. Please teach me what it looks like to parent as a Son/Daughter.” Thank Jesus for aligning you so that your children can reap the fruit of healthy parenting that reflects His heart.

WITH THEM, NOT FOR THEM

The thing I value the most about being in ministry is that I am doing it WITH my children, not for them. Years ago, I struggled with balancing full-time ministry, young children, and flying solo. I always felt like something had to give, yet I didn’t want to choose between my passion and my children. Then, I was at church one morning when a gal who did not know my story began to prophesy. She said I was struggling with not being the one to play the instrument, but that God wants me to become the conductor of the orchestra, and I knew immediately that meant don’t do it FOR my children but learn how to do it WITH them. Years later, I am so so so blessed by the way our ministry has operated as a family. It is so fun to see the kids step out more and more and use their voices. I love ministering, traveling, and speaking together.