DO NOT CURSE YOUR CHILD
DO NOT CURSE YOUR CHILD
- Heart Splinters, Podcasts
COURTS OF HEAVEN TESTIMONY (SIBLING CONFLICT)
Like most families, we have our share of sibling issues, but something about it has always sat funny with me. It was like I could feel something working against them but could never put my finger on it. Their tones and attitudes toward each other don’t reflect the gift that they have been given. I called a family meeting and had them close their eyes. I told them we were not asking Jesus this time, nor did I want the right answer. I wanted an answer that reflected their heart. I asked them to give me thumbs up or thumbs down if they would feel something in their heart if they walked into a room and saw me in it. Everyone gave thumbs up. I asked them how their heart would feel if they saw their sister, a few thumbs halfway and one thumb down. I asked about each person, and their answers broke my heart. I was thankful for their honesty, but it pierced my heart deeply. I had them close their eyes again and asked them to give me thumbs up or down if, when they walked into a room with their peers, they felt awkward and like they didn’t belong. Each of them sheepishly put their thumb halfway or all the way down, almost surprised they were exposed to this truth of their heart. I would say all my kids are popular in that they are well-known and liked by adults and peers, yet their sense of belonging was under attack because of how they were functioning as a family. Children get their sense of belonging from siblings, not Mom and Dad. If we tolerate negative sibling connections and bullies in the living room, we are setting them up to feel isolated even amongst a crowd. I brought out the whiteboard and began to draw out our family line and how each generation has been influenced and affected by rejection. To the best of my knowledge, it started with my illegitimate great, great, great aunt who was fed rejection daily by those who called themselves family. After that, each generation hosted profound rejection between mother and child with favoritism towards one another.
I mapped out that my children will get married and have kids roughly in 2030. Their children will have children in approximately 2060, and their grandchildren will be around in 2090. Just like our ancestors of 100 years ago have affected their generational bloodline, so will they until the year 3000 – what a sobering thought. Our choices today affect future generations. We have been given a gift of life, family, and knowing Christ’s redemptive work and are called to steward it well in our lifetime. It was time to break it once and for all! We began to work as a family on our court case regarding the lack of sibling love. We argued that it violated God’s command to love each other and did not glorify His name to have such disunity. We searched for verses that backed up our case and took time to stand before Jesus, asking for forgiveness for the way we have partnered with the generation curse and allowed it to bear bad fruit. I had the children move to the same side of the room as if it were a real courtroom and had them repeat after me the court case before the Judge who judges all things. It was super powerful for all of us. One of the children heard the Judge’s gavel hit the bench, and with that, we rested our case. We put on worship music and sat in His presence together as a family. I encountered a flood of emotions as I felt the release of the conflict and was filled with His redeeming grace. Instantly I noticed a difference in the way they treated each other.
HELPING EACH OTHER FIGHT – SLANDER
“When someone slanders another to us, we must remember that we are not mainly fighting flesh and blood, but spiritual forces of evil” (Ephesians 6:12). Satan knows that slander deadens and splits churches, poisons friendships, and fractures families. He knows slander quenches the Holy Spirit, kills love, short-circuits spiritual renewal, undermines trust, and sucks the courage out of the saints. So our goal, particularly in the context of the church, is to help each other shed demonic weights and avoid satanic stumbling blocks.
So how do we do this? The best way is to become people who are not safe to slander around. We must ask each other questions like: “Have you shared your concern with this person directly? I’d be willing to go with you to talk to him. Just to be clear, is this information I should know? Do you want me to help you pursue reconciliation? Are you doing everything you possibly can to put away ‘all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander’ (Ephesians 4:31)? How can I help you guard this person’s reputation like a treasure (Proverbs 22:1)?” In other words, friends don’t let friends slander. Friends don’t let friends act like God-haters (Romans 1:30).
“The more we love people, the more we hate slander, because a slanderer hates his victims” (Proverbs 26:28). Let us remember that we are stewards of the treasure of each other’s good names. Let us resolve to avoid sharing information that is unnecessarily damaging to another person’s reputation and to repent to everyone affected if we do. Let us seek to silence the sin nature slanderer within and graciously give and receive others’ help when one of us slips, perhaps unaware, into slander. Let us do damage to Satan’s forces by speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Let us lay aside the destructive sin-weight of slander. In an age of social media, that lacks the functional information-spreading restraints of past eras, let us be all the more slow to post (‘slow to speak’ – James 1:19) analysis, speculation, and commentary on information about another person or group, even if it has become public in our slander-saturated culture, that might eventually prove slanderous.
“All the serious biblical warnings about slander still apply, which should make us all, especially those of us with ‘platforms,’ tremble.” – Jon Bloom.
HELPING CHILDREN OVERCOME TRAUMA
Trauma – a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.
Think for a moment about your child’s life back in 2020. Perhaps it wasn’t perfect, but within a short time, your child was thrown into a whirlwind of being home 24/7. Not being able to see friends or go out to the park, learning without peers, sitting in front of a computer, many faced hours alone as their mom and dad still worked. Some went without food, increased sibling conflict, missed birthday parties, felt fear all around them, not being able to go to church or their favorite store, and then the anger and violence that was unleashed in nearly every city. Most adults can’t comprehend all that is going on, much less a child whose brain isn’t fully developed. Folks, this is trauma. Add another layer of what was released in the atmosphere and the paralyzing fear, worry, and anger that slimed people without notice or warning. Kids feel it too.
While I am not trying to create a doomsday post, there is a reality that this past season has been brutal for some children. The events themselves do not bring damage to children. How adults respond to trauma can make a challenging event a lifelong wound. Your role is KEY! #1. Know your child’s love language and fill it DAILY! Five minutes of intentional “I see you” can fill their heart. #2. Connection – Talking, engaging, asking questions, hugging, smiling, listening, etc. Merely hanging out 24/7 is not the same as actually connecting to their hearts. #3. Joy releases a chemical in our brain that increases our will to fight and endure hard things. Dance parties, giggles, wrestling matches, dinner in the living room, tickling, being silly, special treats, dancing on the bed, or splashing in the rain. Your child NEEDS joy!
I know it is hard to give when you are enduring the same battle, but your response in this hour matters. Help children overcome by filling them up with love, connection, and joy, which are heaven’s tools to overcome.
Validation – recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile. Validation is not trying to move someone out of their space but giving them permission to be where they are at.
It is saying things like: “I am sorry that _____.” “It is not okay that _____.” “It makes me mad that_____.” “You didn’t deserve that.” “That must have been so hard when_____.” “Man, that stinks!” “You are so much more than that.”
BLACK & WHITE – PART ONE
I want to share a perspective with you. People often ask me what my highlight of being a part of Azusa Now in LA was. My answer is easy. It was when they showed the video of all the awful things people have done to other humans (school shootings, Holocaust, 9/11, American Indians, etc.) and we began to declare louder and louder, “Father, forgive them! Father, forgive them!” I saw an older African American couple a few rows in front of me, and all I could say was, “I am sorry. I am so so sorry.” They received those healing words with gratitude. It still creates tears in my eyes. It was a highlight for me because the Father was highlighting something to me. I believe God was releasing an anointing to make things right with those who have been hurt.
Fast forward to our first hotel stay when we began our 2-month journey on the road. Every single channel the kids wanted to watch had to do with slavery. As we feasted on this ‘entertainment’ my stomach became sick. I could feel the control, the madness, the loss, the betrayal, the paralyzing fear, the lack of safety, the lack of belonging, the condemnation, and the anger. Humans were treated like animals, only worth their labor and performance, and their hearts were ripped out over and over. Tears poured down my cheeks as I told the kids to turn off the TV. I believe God was awakening this part of our history in me. God has been speaking to me a lot about the spirit of control. We are not wired to be controlled by anyone or anything; rather, we were created to operate out of our free will. It is how He designed us. When we are controlled, especially when it is ongoing, we respond by partnering with a spirit of rejection or a spirit of rebellion. Here we are with the great divide between whites and blacks being highlighted… once again. Could it be that the Lord is allowing pressure so that the heart splinter could be removed once and for all? Could it be that all those years of being controlled by the color of their skin have produced a generational line of rebellion or rejection? Could it be that here we are 100 some years later with a mess we didn’t create but still reaping the fruit of? Could it be that there are strongholds in the atmosphere who enjoy watching humans quarrel based on their skin color? Could it be that while we all have choices, there is a lot more going on in the spiritual realm than we are giving credit to? Could it be that the issue isn’t the color of our skin but more so the doors that have been opened for the enemy to continue to influence? Could it be that the answer isn’t just outward ‘unity’ but more so breaking agreements with the spirit of control, rebellion, and rejection? Could it be that those acting out the rebellion or rejection are actually crying out to be free from the spirit of control that has been in operation in their family line for so long? Could it be that we, white Americans, haven’t yet cleaned up our mess in the spiritual realm our ancestors have made? Could it be that the involvement of police officers is a prophetic statement of the authority we have been given and need to be using, not over humans, but the spiritual realm?
Could we be a generation that changes the world of so many lives that matter by releasing freedom, acceptance, and belonging over them? I think so!
Be sure to check out PART TWO which will give you steps to take in your own home.
FEELING DEPRESSED?
Do not be so quick to assume something is wrong with you. Depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain. The only way to resolve depression is through medicine. Oppression is a spiritual weight that we can come under when the enemy is trying to take ground in an area. The only way to resolve oppression is through your authority. Both look, sound, and feel the same. How do you know? Walk in your authority and see if it shifts.
“I command all heaviness to leave me now in Jesus’ name. I break all assignments against me by the blood of Jesus. I invite You, Holy Spirit, to come and fill my mind, emotions, body, and atmosphere with Your peace, power, love, and clear mind in Jesus’ name.”
JOHN 10:10
I have a friend whose teen daughter is fighting for her life after harming herself. I have another friend whose teen daughter ran away, and they don’t know where she is. I have another friend with a teen son addicted to porn. Another friend has a daughter in a psych ward. The one thing they all have in common is that they all passionately love Jesus. The battle for our children is real. We MUST equip our children with heaven’s tools to deal with hurts, lies, and offenses. As believers, we may experience the beginning of John 10:10, but we get to camp out in the last part! “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
PRAY FOR MY DAD
I have been camping out in these testimonies of God’s goodness with the next generation and am undone by His power and goodness to them. Two younger ladies came to me asking for prayer. They shared how their relationship with their father was strained, and wanted prayers. I thought they meant for reconciliation and began to pray accordingly, but they interrupted me to say, “No, we want prayer for Jesus to give us the keys to our father’s heart.” Another gal who has battled self-harm for years due to her father’s alcohol consumption and believing the lie she is rejected asks Jesus why he needed alcohol. She heard, “Because he feels rejected by his parents.” She wept as she realized he was battling the same lie she was plagued with and wanted Jesus to give her the keys to his heart. Another gal asked to meet with me and shared some of her dad’s choices over the years that brought the family a lot of pain. When we asked Jesus what her dad’s heart needed, she began to cry as Jesus showed her he felt like a failure and ashamed. She realized she had punished him and how it was causing him further hurt. She asked for forgiveness, and Jesus began to give her the keys to mending that relationship. We ministered to a boy who said, “All these years, I thought my dad was just mean, but Jesus showed me today that he has a heart splinter from his own journey.” This is so powerful as kids move from victim to empowered. Hurt to authority. Walls of self-protection to love. Jesus loves restoring the family and does not look down on a child due to age. They have the same size Holy Spirit as their parents and can be powerful weapons against the plans of the enemy to destroy the family.
WHAT IS “INNER HEALING”?
The need for inner healing is the space between God’s truth and our reality. The enemy seeks to separate us from our BELIEF in God’s goodness. He can’t touch that reality as the Cross is a finished work, but he can mess with our thoughts about it. We live in a fallen world, and all have experienced hurts and offenses, some more than others. Not everyone is walking wounded – many are free and healed. Christ said to Satan while fasting, “You have nothing in Me – no hooks.” He had no emotional wounds, He and His Father were good, and He carried no lies or shame that the enemy could use against Him. Lies typically enter during an event where something happens that produces negative feelings, and at that moment, the enemy tries to whisper lies to us about God, ourselves, and others. We all know of examples where someone gets bad news and overreacts. Most likely, they agreed with a lie, only to realize later that it wasn’t true. If the lie remains, something will be ‘off’ with God, ourselves, or others. Things like peace, love, and unity go out the window quickly when lies are present. Why? Because that is the purpose of a lie: to steal, kill, and destroy. Steal, kill and destroy what? Our connection with the truth about God, ourselves, and others. Simple, isn’t it? When our soul gets so heavy and wounded with hurts, lies, and offenses, we begin to medicate ourselves with band-aids. Some ways are more harmful than others, but they can include: running away, putting walls up, partnering with fear, becoming angry, lying, turning to drugs, sex or porn, drinking, withdrawing, yelling, swearing, isolating ourselves, etc. While these serve to protect us (otherwise, people wouldn’t use them), the band-aids create a whole new set of issues since getting close to a protected heart can be challenging. You won’t find band-aids in the Bible, Jesus’ ministry, or heaven. They are inferior coping mechanisms that help us to manage the pain of an offense or wound.
So, what is the solution? Allow Jesus to heal that inner part of you that got hurt SO THAT you can be aligned with His truth and walk in wholeness.
WALLS
We are going to talk about the walls we learn to build to protect those heart splinters from being touched. The good news is that the walls are somewhat effective in keeping the bad out, but the sad news is that they also keep the good from entering. God never called us to a life of managing pain. Jesus died so we could be free, and free indeed, of it. Take out a sheet of paper and write down 3-5 adjectives to describe your mom, then do it for your dad. We are not looking for sugar-coated words but your truth. For example, for my mom, I would say emotional, special touches, distant, and polished. For my dad, I would say he is the life of the party, shallow, generous, and available. You are writing down how you received and experienced them. The family is very important to God because it is modeled after God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit, who all have unique roles in the godhead.
God/Father – is where we get our provision, protection, and identity.
Jesus/Siblings – is where we get our companionship/friendship/sense of belonging.
Holy Spirit/Mother – is where we get our comfort, nurturing, and teaching.
The ultimate purpose of the enemy in John 10:10 is to steal, kill, and destroy our connection with God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. One of the ways he does that is through undealt with hurts, lies, and offenses in childhood because the child will naturally project those hurts to the godhead. It is one thing to be hurt by your absent father; it is another to believe the Creator of the universe is ignoring you. It is one thing to be hurt by an emotionally out-of-control mother; it is another thing to believe the Holy Spirit is unsafe. It is one thing to be rejected by your siblings; it is another thing to think that Jesus doesn’t care about your world. At the end of life, it comes down to one simple thing – our relationship with our Heavenly Father. This matters!!! While we might feel peace and closeness with Jesus, if we have distance with Holy Spirit, something will be missing, just like a family where there are not two parents. If you feel close to Jesus, but are afraid of Father God, then you are not walking in the fullness of your salvation. We want to be connected fully and freely to God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. Take a look at the words you used to describe your mom and dad. Take an honest estimate of your reality. Is that how you would describe your experience with God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit? If not, then praise God for the healing that has been done in your heart. If yes, then this simply reveals where the heart splinter has caused you to build a wall to protect the pain. How do we remove the wall? The Cross is the answer for everything, and forgiveness breaks the yoke that the enemy has been able to influence us. “I make the choice to forgive _____ for _______. I cancel any debt they owe me and turn them over to Jesus Christ to be judged accordingly.” Renounce the lie the God/Jesus/Holy Spirit is _____ (whatever you put on your list). Hand the hurt/sadness to Jesus (just watch and listen to what He does). Ask, “God/Jesus/Holy Spirit, how did it make You feel that I believed that lie about You?” Ask what He wants to give you instead. Declare the truth about God/Jesus/Holy Spirit. Spend some adequate time walking this out. Can you see how vital family connections are and how they affect a child’s view of God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit?