Over the years, I have gone after making sure the kids know the following safety boundaries:
Going after empowering my children to ask Jesus questions and how to discern His reply has been KEY and not only protected them in situations but prevented things ahead of time.
Let’s talk for a moment about the process of isolation and lies as it pertains to sexual instability.
When a child faces sexual abuse or emotional trauma it affects their mind, body, AND spirit. After the event is over the door remains open in the spirit realm, which is why many never fully recover despite therapy or counseling. It is common for childhood sexual abuse and emotional trauma to be confusing to their underdeveloped brain. Sometimes the child deeply admires the one doing harm, and it confuses their heart. They love the person but dislike what’s being done to them. Other times a child is confused by the way the abuse made them feel. I am not saying a child liked being abused as their spirit is aware it is not okay, but sometimes the child values the attention being given and it confuses their mind. They associate affection and attention, a God-given need, with something that is twisted and unpleasant. The confusion and lack of clarity bring isolation and shame (something is wrong with me). If someone of the same sex violated the child, a spirit begins to influence the child giving them ‘evidence’ (lies) that they were created differently. It is essential when helping children process molestation, abuse and emotional trauma that we close doors in the spirit realm, as well so that the enemy no longer has a legal right to influence, harass and mentally torment.
Often people who struggle with their sexual identity will say they knew since they were at a very young age of their preference, yet a human body is not sexually activated until puberty. I, however, fully believe people who give this account of their journey because the enemy isolates and then whispers lies to children ALL THE TIME and their sexuality is not exempt. I believe it is a primary target of the enemy simply because of the profound isolation and shame it brings to the core of one’s existence. Never before have we seen such an epidemic of people struggling with the way they were born.
I have ministered to men who grew up in homes where their mom was so abused by the men in her life, she had a bitter judgment against the entire male race. Her son’s sexual identity threatened her, and she would attack anything masculine. The isolation is paralyzing for a young boy who doesn’t understand why being a boy is wrong and unacceptable to his own mother. The enemy isolates and then whispers the lie, “You should be a girl,” “If you were a girl your mom would love you.”
There is a girl who grew up in extreme emotional trauma (isolation) and would have paralyzing nightmares. She would go to her mom in the middle of the night shaking. Her mom would allow her to come in her bed, but she had to rub her back to stay. The girl began to believe that being comforted meant touching/affection with someone of the same sex. A friend was raped by a teen girl when he was just four years old (isolation). It opened the door in the spiritual realm to be harassed and tormented. He grew up with an unhealthy interest in private parts which was the evidence (lie) that he was born gay. He grew up in a home where his dad was physically and emotionally abusive (isolation), and when he was in the 3rd grade, a teacher called out in front of the whole class, “You will grow up to be a gay,” and then proceeded to instruct the entire class on what that meant (shame). From that day on, peers changed his name to a girl’s name.
If children aren’t taught by parents who they are created to be, the world around them will. Countless times I hear the story of a child who is born with gifts and talents that are different than the expectation of the parent such as a boy with a music talent or a girl who doesn’t like dresses and they are taught something is wrong with them (isolation) for their likes and interests. In isolation, the enemy whispers lie about their true identity. Their ‘evidence’ (lies) is that they must be born that way because they can’t deny their love and passion for their gifts and talents. This is inferior parenting, not something wrong with the child.
Many of you know my story where my mom asked me my entire childhood if my dad ever did XYZ in the name of sexual abuse. She never told me he did but asked me, putting the burden of discovery on my shoulders. The isolation of those thoughts tormented me every day of my life for nearly twenty years. It gripped me so deep, death was my only relief (lie). As I have walked out this journey, God revealed nothing happened with my dad. It was a lie. I began to process with God how in the world could a mother do that to her own child. What He showed me is PROFOUND. I pray that you have eyes to see what God revealed to me.
My mom had unforgiveness in her heart towards my dad through their failed marriage which is always an open door for the enemy to influence, but my mom saw a sexual spirit ON me, and the enemy put 2 and 2 together, but his math was wrong. My mom honestly believed my dad did something, but what she was really seeing/feeling was that I was exposed to porn from a neighbor and a sexual spirit was attempting to influence me through the shame of what I had witnessed. I was a girl who needed to be protected from that spirit, but because of the unforgiveness in her heart, the enemy influenced her with a lie that nearly cost me my life – literally.
The above story about the young boy who was raped by a teen girl is another example. The teacher SAW the sexual spirit on him, and because of his own heart, the enemy helped him to put 2 and 2 together that he must be gay, but the truth was HE NEEDED HELP! That precious boy was being abused and was in profound emotional pain, shame and isolation. He needed to be protected in private, not exposed publicly. He needed love, not shame; community, not isolation.
When Christians demand behavior modification when someone is struggling it only brings more shame and isolation. At the same time, I think the greater pain is when Christians move into apathy claiming, “We just need to love like Jesus.” It is NOT loving to hear the stories above and leave someone in their confusion, isolation or pain. It is not loving to accept the band-aids of those who have endured mental torment at the hands of the enemy because of what others have done to them. It is not loving to reject, nor it is loving to tolerate. Love looks like embracing those in our community who have walked through isolation so profound that the enemy has lied to them about the core of their existence.
The reason why this is such a heated issue between Christians and the gay community is that it IS a spiritual issue. We have failed to equip the Body with tools to help CHILDREN who are being sexually abused and in emotional trauma (isolation) and have only pushed in the wounds deeper by ignoring their experience and demanding they change their behavior. This breeds children who grow up to judge and rebel against those who failed to help in their time of need.
HeartWork – I want you to crawl back into the story of the young boy who was raped by a teen girl and how the teacher responded. Ask Jesus to show you a picture of His heart for that child. Let Him align your heart to His.
A young boy stole some candy from his mom’s closet. She knew it, but he denied it. It is hard for a parent to know they are being lied to, but she trusted God would work it out. A while later, she went to him and expressed that she was disappointed and called out that he was a truth teller, but he continued to deny it. She remained in SHALOM despite the chaos. Finally, before bed, he came to her and confessed. He explained how candy tastes so good, and he wanted it so bad. She asked him, “Really? How good is that candy tasting knowing that you had to lie to get it and break connection?” He acknowledged it wasn’t very sweet after all.
This is an outstanding example of partnering with the Holy Spirit in our parenting and giving Him room to work on our children.
The other thing I want to point out is that the above interaction is how to train boys in purity. There is an emotional element to it for girls, but for boys, there is a self-control element. He is learning just because he wants something, or it feels good doesn’t mean it is worth the cost or right.
Are you concerned about all of the gender confusion and what it means for your child? Does talking about it make you feel intimidated? Are you unsure of how to respond to those around you? Not only do we need to start conversations, but we also need to become empowered so that we can enter the discussion with our children to empower them to walk in gender stability.
This is from my friend.
“Please be aware: My kids told me about an app to search for good deals on toys. Today, I thought I would check it out and see what else there was. I pressed the ‘browse’ button and was appalled at the porn items that appeared. I told my kids I was deleting the app and asked them if they knew why. My eight and eleven-year-old both said yes. I asked them if they ever saw inappropriate stuff on it, and they said yes, that when searching for something else, the sex toys appeared, so they quickly closed out of it. Ugh!!! I don’t even know how they came up. So tired of porn everywhere!”
Over the years, I have gone after making sure the kids know the following safety boundaries:
How to say NO firmly – We would role-play a lot. Instead of role-playing traumatic situations, I told them I wanted them to walk to the other side of the room, and they each moved across the room. I had them race back and forth until joy broke out. I then grabbed a child’s arm playfully but firmly and moved them back and forth at a fast pace. I then stopped, and we sat and talked about how we manage our bodies and are in control. I asked the child whose arm I took how it felt to have someone else dictate their steps. They didn’t like it. I agreed with them and told them NO ONE has a right to control your body other than you. We then played again, but this time I had them look me in the eyes and say NO. Three of the kids mastered it, while my soft, gentle daughter struggled to say it firmly because she felt mean. It took time for her to learn she is empowered to say NO!
God seems to be highlighting a particular area, and I want to camp out and create some conversation on the topic of parents’ concern over keeping their children sexually safe. I have ministered to a handful of parents as God is setting them free from fear and moving them to rise up in their God-given authority. We welcome what we FEAR. It is like opening the front door and saying, “Oh, I see you. Come on in.” While that is not our heart, it is the nature of what fear does in the spiritual realm. Fear is not a tool of heaven and will not produce the Kingdom fruit you desire. YES! There are real dangers in today’s world, and there is a full-on demonic assault against our children’s identity and sexual purity. BUT God has answers and solutions to help us equip and protect them. You are on the front lines, and now is not the time to shrink back, surrender or admit defeat. It is time to rise up, get your armor on, and declare that your house will be passed over with the schemes of the enemy.
Ellie stayed with some friends, and the moment Ellie walked in the door, I could tell something was really wrong. She told me that she needed to tell me something, and the story unfolded through an abundance of tears. She said that earlier that day, they went to another family’s house, and the adults were inside while all the children played outside. Someone completely exposed their privates to her and was assertive with what they wanted her to do. My spirit knew my reaction was vital in getting her to get it all out, but my flesh was screaming inside. I told her that I needed her to be full of courage and tell me everything that happened so that I could help her. Through her gasps of air, she began to tell me about it. “Mom, my heart was really scared, and I didn’t know what to do. You weren’t there for me, and Mrs. so-and-so wasn’t there. Mom, I was all alone….” I want to stop my story to tell you how outraged I was at that moment. Nothing had happened yet, and the enemy told her she was powerless and alone. Such a stupid, bold-faced LIE. All she had to do was yell, and all the parents inside would have come running. The enemy is such a liar! Back to the story. I asked her what she did, and she continued, “Well, since no one was there for me, I asked Jesus what I should do, and I saw Him really serious, almost mad, and He was pointing his (index) finger, shaking it saying, ‘This is inappropriate.'” I asked her what she did, and she said she put her finger in the air like Jesus did and told the person it was inappropriate. She went from a powerless victim to rising up like a lioness as she imitated what she saw her Father saying, and the person ran away. She had no mental capacity to find scriptures in that situation at her age. She needed a relationship, an encounter, and quick instructions at a crucial moment from a protective Father. Religion didn’t protect my child that day – JESUS did!
When I share this story in person, I often go into some ministry time as the majority of the people in the room had a similar situation with a different outcome. The key was that Ellie went to Him and had an encounter with Him in the midst of it, which led her out of it. But God is a big boy and can answer for Himself. It is okay to ask Him hard questions. I would spend some time asking Him questions like:
“God, where were You when that happened to me?”
“Jesus, will You please show me a picture of Your face when You saw what I endured?”
“Holy Spirit, why did the person do what they did?”
He wants to minister to you through these hard questions. I have seen some of the biggest breakthroughs in people’s walk with Jesus as they are willing to process the hard questions with Him.
This is a hard truth to share but one that needs to be heard. There is no such thing as secret sexual sin. It may be kept hidden from their mind or eyes, but their spirits feel it. Pornography can be kept from children finding it, but it is impossible to open the door and not have the spirit behind it affect your children, especially your daughters. I have scores of adult women deeply affected by their dad’s porn addiction, even though they never saw a single image. Allowing pornography into your home is like opening the front door and inviting sexual spirits to come and influence your child’s identity. If you are entangled with this, know there is hope and help to get free.
I went to get my nails done and took my daughter with me. The salon was quiet, and there were three other workers sitting down at a computer. We talked as best as we could through the language barrier. About halfway into it, this gripping fear came over me, and I felt really nervous. I could not figure it out. The workers began to talk to each other and move about the salon, and it just didn’t settle right with me. I felt bad for feeling that way, but it was growing louder and louder. I began to role-play scenarios and contemplated leaving, even though my nails were only halfway done. I wanted to whisper to my daughter to stay alert but didn’t want to cause her concern. Finally, I realized there was indeed real and present danger, and I needed to move into action. I began to walk in my authority over it by commanding the fear to go in Jesus’ name and canceled any assignments of the enemy. I prayed for protection over my daughter and invited the Holy Spirit to stand on guard. I had no idea what was going on, what could have happened, or what I was sensing, except my spirit felt sexually unsafe, and I have the power and authority in the name of Jesus to do something about it. Ironically, the moment we got in the car, my daughter said, “Mom! Did you feel that? I felt so sexually unprotected in that place.” I asked why she didn’t say anything, and she said, “I just invited Jesus to come and deal with it.” We can introduce our children to their ever-present Bodyguard!
