Look what God has done


This is written by a spiritual son, and I am so proud of him and his journey to freedom.

“I was first exposed to pornography in the 6th grade when a friend at school passed around a dilapidated nudie magazine he probably found rotting in the street somewhere. I had never had a personal conversation with an adult regarding sexuality up to that point, and public school sex education in the early 90s was pretty much solely focused on anatomy and function. Needless to say, when my turn came to take the magazine home, I sat on my bed, electrified by entirely new feelings of wonder, excitement, danger, and shame, which produced a healthy blend of irresistible fascination and self-loathing. Shortly afterward, I was exploring the basement of our house one afternoon and came across several hidden boxes of decades-old pornographic material. This reinforced a couple of beliefs that had been developing in my subconscious – that every person with a penis had a raw hunger for sex that would never be satisfied. And that the only thing worse than living with this unshakeable burden would be to open up and talk about it with someone else. The years that followed are a blur of cognitive dissonance in memory. At church, I was captivated by the message of God’s grace and acceptance. At school, I felt desperately insecure about how I (didn’t) fit in socially. And at home, I buried myself in isolating and self-destructive behavior, firmly believing that anyone – family, friends, strangers, Jesus Himself – who learned what I was really like would turn away in disgust forever. After high school, I moved across the country for college in hopes of a fresh start. While I grew in self-confidence and self-expression, my sexuality remained stunted and a source of shame, allowed to peek its head out only in the company of a computer screen in the darkness or in pushing boundaries in dating relationships that were never explicitly acknowledged or discussed. I felt increasingly compartmentalized between the good things I was being exposed to and challenged to pursue and my hidden life of sexual shame, to the point where I began to have regular nightmares about the house I grew up in, the basement in particular. The dreams varied in detail, but the theme was always the same, and each time I woke up uneasy with a sense of dread from someone having entered or trying to enter my house with a clear intention to do harm. I continued to have these dreams consistently over the next fifteen years. In my mid-twenties, I finally gave up on hoping for a magic bullet from God to fix my broken areas overnight and opened up to some friends about my struggles with sexual purity. To my immense relief, I learned that I wasn’t alone in this area, and we decided to meet weekly as a group. Relief soon turned to puzzlement and resignation as we quickly realized that none of us had any idea of how to actually help each other. Our friendships deepened through the experience, but none of us got any healthier. Several years, a few moves, a couple of other men’s groups, and a wedding later, I reached the point of moderately successful behavior control. I hadn’t grown in any healthy level of sexual purity, let alone come close to the kind of freedom Jesus and Paul gush about in the New Testament, but I was managing to ‘act out’ only once every few months. I joined a men’s group at church called ‘The Whole Man Project’. The very first night I walked into the room, I heard a message of freedom being preached from a place of conviction and experience that I’d never thought possible, and I left wondering if I dared to hope for true freedom for myself. I joined a small group and started on the gradual but upward journey of uncovering and processing the hurts, pain, and false beliefs stored up over a lifetime that was underlying my lack of sexual self-control. In my mind, I began to switch from fighting an unending defensive battle just to avoid stupid behavior to fighting to take ground in how I wanted my life to play out. Taking one step at a time toward the abundant life Jesus promised His followers. About six months after I joined The Whole Man Project, I was chatting with a mentor one morning, which turned into a ministry session where she led me through revisiting some painful experiences. The memory of the day I discovered the pornography collection in the basement was brought to mind. She instructed me to ask Jesus where He was at that moment and write out what He showed me. I saw Jesus in the corner of the room as I was about to open the closet, and I asked Him that if He was there, then why did He let me open the door? I felt Him say that He would never take away the freedom to act and to choose from either myself or those around me, but I felt His fierceness towards the closet. I felt Him say that the enemy wanted to plant something in me, but He had already planned the path to conquer it in advance. She then led me through prayers of forgiveness and generational reconciliation, encountering the heart of the Father, and receiving the equipping and empowering of the Holy Spirit. I realized that I had been waiting for God to chauffeur me to the promised land of freedom while I helplessly sat in the backseat when He had been inviting me to sit up front and take an active role in partnering with Him to move forward together. After that day, my recurring nightmares about the house I grew up in stopped completely. The truth is that we have been reconciled to the Father completely through the work of Jesus on the cross, but that is the starting point for abundant life, not the finish line. Each day, He extends an invitation for us to journey with Him towards wholeness and freedom; how far we want to take it is ultimately up to us.”


Can anyone relate to this mom’s experience?

“I am so beyond grateful for your friendship and teaching! Because of what you have shared/taught, I was able to reach my baby girl’s heart through a temper tantrum, and in doing so, God was able to reach mine through my internal tantrum.”


This testimony is one of MANY. Parents are waking up to the fact they have been managing things in the spiritual realm that require their authority. Sudden and instant changes are happening in their homes as soon as they deal with it.

“I was dealing with this (spirit of rejection) in a major way and repented of it last week after watching your live call. Things have been completely different in my house since then. My connection with my first has been so healthy and peaceful.” 

Thank You, Jesus! Why was there a sudden change? Because our children feel the spiritual realm, too, and often respond to it negatively. A spirit of rejection will cause them to feel unsafe, insecure, and alert to their surroundings. The moment mom resolved the spiritual conflict, the children felt at ease again.


A mom shared: “My son said something the other day that really touched my heart. He was fighting with his sister, and I am not sure how it came to be, but he said, ‘Jesus always comes to save me.’ He resolved the fight then and there with that simple sentence.”

I encouraged her not to just let it be a sweet moment but to write it down and encourage her son with that in the days/years ahead. When he is going through something hard or challenging, remind him, “Hey buddy, do you remember when you said that Jesus always comes to save you? Well, He wants to do it again for you.” This is how we help add layers of bricks to our children’s faith and journey with their Father.


I am UNDONE by the way God is aligning, healing, and setting the youth free. Years of heartbreak and pain are being resolved NOW. There are many 50-year-olds who haven’t tasted the level of breakthrough and freedom God is releasing on this generation. I am seeing it with my very own eyes.


When I picked Ellie up from youth camp, I could tell she was exhausted but also that her heart was heavy. I sensed the Lord saying to minister to her physically and to make sure she was showered, fed, and rested. I took her out for coffee early the next morning, and the tears poured out of her. She said everything about camp was amazing and her love tank was overflowing, but on the last session during worship, someone commented about God’s love, and she began to question, “If God loves me so much, why have I endured so much pain?” And the thought was tormenting her, as it was evident by her flood of painful tears. I had her ask Jesus to show her if this was pain that was seeping out that needed to be healed or if the enemy was whispering to her with an agreement against God. She heard the latter (so did I). She was in receiving mode during the youth camp, and it was incredible, but the enemy thought he could chime in with a lie about God’s love for her, and she embraced it. The more she thought about the ‘evidence,’ the more tormented her heart began. She needed help seeing it was a LIE, and she had to break agreement with the LIE. The moment we did, her entire countenance changed, and her joy returned. A week later, she stood up in front of others, declaring that she experienced revival in her life when she made a massive mess, and in her brokenness, she experienced God’s love for her. Out of that love, she rose up with a conviction over the thing she made a mess in, and God has used her mightily in that area – not because she is bold, but because she encountered His love IN that place. This wasn’t an attack on God’s love for her – it was an attack on the conviction as the fruit of that love. Heart splinters (hurts, lies, and offenses) always come with a lack of peace, yet Jesus always comes to restore our peace as we defeat the enemy.


I heard this testimony and can’t get it out of my mind. A mom shared that her son was hungry to learn how to hear from the Lord. He worked at a ski resort and heard the Lord tell him to jump on the ski lift and ride up with a perfect stranger. He did and wondered what to say to him. Nothing came to mind the entire trip. He kept asking God but wasn’t hearing anything. They got to the top, and the stranger got off and began skiing without exchanging a single word. A tad perplexed, my friend asked God what that was about, and God said, “See, obeying Me is easy.” I LOVE this. We associate God with asking things of us that are so hard or cost us something dearly. While at times that is a part of obedience, He is saying the yoke of listening is easy.


So touched by this. Years ago, we had a ministry student do some work for us, and she made a choice that caused my daughter intense pain and heartbreak. God used it for good in my daughter’s life, and she is completely fine today from the event. She reflects back on the story through the lens, not of pain and grief but of how the Father was so real to her. I recently received a text message from a number I didn’t recognize, and it took me a moment to put the story together. It was from this young gal who lamented sincere repentance. I am not sure about the events that unfolded in her journey, but God was clearly convicting her, and despite the time passed, she was eager to make it right. She offered to send me money to buy something for my daughter and owned her choices. My goodness, there is something so beautiful about holy conviction of wrongdoing AND humbling yourself to make it right. My daughter was able to respond directly, assuring her that she was fine and that nothing was owed. I just wanted to share to encourage you that there is no time limit on clearing the air and making things right with others, especially in God’s family.


Mother’s Day is a challenging day for many hoping, waiting, and longing for a child. I want to spend some time sharing our testimonies about our miracle babies. Here is my story!

I had a series of abdominal surgeries in my early 20s due to my drug overdose. As the tech came in to put me to sleep, he mentioned my never being able to have biological children, something my doctor never told me. I woke tormented by the thought as I had a daughter that I placed for adoption years earlier, and the hope of having children again someday was my balm. He assured me that we would cross that bridge when the time came. After additional testing, I was given a 5% chance of getting pregnant naturally. I grieved the reality in the back of my mind for years, and when I got engaged, we had to have a painful conversation about our future. We were approved for foster care, had the room all ready, and waiting for the placement phone call when I got pregnant. We were undone with joy! Excited, we met at the doctor’s office at eight weeks to hear the heartbeat, to which they found none. I sat in our sunlit empty family room for 8 hours, staring at the floor, crying and bewildered why God would allow me to get pregnant only to take it away. I experienced a depth of pain and confusion unknown to my weathered heart. We got pregnant again the following month, and I called the nurse’s line to say I was feeling good. She laughed at me, saying people don’t call the nurses’ line with the complaint of feeling good, but I knew something was wrong. Sure enough, not only was the heartbeat not found, but it was ectopic, and they wanted me to help end it. I could not. I knew the risks, but with my journey, there was no way I could agree to help end its life, even if it meant losing mine. It was an agonizing season for me. I found great comfort with a picture of Jesus sitting and holding each of my babies so close in age. I poured my heart out to a mentor and told her something felt like these babies were stolen from me. I know miscarriage happens, but something felt off to me. While I was no longer suicidal, I had opened the door to the spirit of death, and we did ministry in that area (please note I am NOT saying all miscarriages are from the same cause. This was my journey as God led me to resolve this in my life from my partnership with suicide and death). Two months later, we got pregnant again – with TWINS. I knew deep down this was the redemption story of what was lost. Knowing what a miracle it was to even get pregnant at all in my medical condition, I did not think we would get pregnant yet again, but when the twins were four months old, we got pregnant with Hudson and again with Ellie Rose. All the while, my 5% chance never changed, but GOD… 


I had an encounter with the Lord that left me in tears for 48 hours. My soul was agitated and frustrated, and I even said, “Either I am going to quit, or God is bringing me to death.” I spent a whole day pressing in, talking with wise counselors, and seeking Him. Finally, the revelation came and revealed an area I have been out of alignment in. Not ‘sin,’ but a belief that I was modeling my life after what wasn’t His heart. A lie so deeply entrenched it shaped my view of Him. When we are out of alignment, we create landing places for the enemy to use and influence us. Think of a disc in your spine being out of alignment – it will affect many areas of your body. Alignment matters! It would be so easy to lament and ask God why on earth did He wait 27 years to reveal that to me? It would have shaved off years of pain, confusion, and heartbreak to have been aligned years – no, decades – ago. But that is not the Father’s heart. He is not interested in airlifting us over the ocean, dropping us in the middle just to call us ‘deep.’ He is interested in the journey, the process, and the discovery together. I feel like some of you have cursed your process with words such as, “I should be further along than I am,” “I should be over this by now,” “I will never be free of this,” “I will never measure up to where others are at,” “Freedom is not for me,” etc. Break agreement with these lies and allow Jesus to be your guide one step at a time. He knows what He is doing with your life and will never ever be a day early or a minute too late. I bless your JOURNEY!