Single Parenting

Single Parenting

Single does not mean alone - learning how to walk out solo parenting with Him

SOLO PARENTING

Solo parenting has been one of the greatest challenges I have faced in life and the area where I have reaped the most. I have never felt like a ‘single mom’ because it was through our loss that I discovered a side of God as my Husband, Provider, and Protector. We parent together, and it has been my greatest joy in life to see Him reveal Himself to my children and what concerns them. It is so important that solo parents learn how to connect with God so that they don’t attempt to be both roles. When a parent attempts to be both mom and dad, the child loses the absent part and part of the present parent because they are so exhausted trying to be both. It is better to have one fully present parent than an exhausted, burnt out one.

SINGLE PARENTS

When the kids would get something, like a new Lego set, and would thank me, I would tell them, “Bless your father for providing,” and they would call out, “Jesus, will You bless my dad for providing for me?!” Divorce is painful, not just because of the event itself but the lies that are attached to it. When kids cultivate a thankful heart, it is impossible for them to be spiritual orphans.

LIES, LIES, LIES

This is going to be one of the simplest, yet most profound tools I give you.

The LIES we believe because of an event is what brings lasting pain and heartbreak, not the event itself.

Rape is a horrible, horrible event that deeply affects a person. But long after the actual event is over, the LIE they believe about the event is what triggers the event over and over and over again as if it is happening to them again and again. In that moment their system is shocked (reasonably so), and the enemy comes and whispers, “You are powerless”, “No one cares”, “You are all alone” and because the events serve as evidence that the lie FEELS true, we grab a hold of them and embrace them. It is the lie that is tormenting us, not the event.

So this very simple, yet profound exercise is to ask, “Jesus, what lies am I believing about my situation?” and allow Him to show you.

When you are ready and if you are willing pray this out loud:

Confess – “Jesus, I confess I have been partnering with the lie that _____. Will You please forgive me?”

Break Agreement – “I break agreement with the lie that _____.”

Declare the Truth – “Jesus, what is Your truth about this situation?”

Just watch and listen to whatever He wants to show you and then take a moment and RECEIVE it.

This exercise should be used anytime your heart is losing peace and you are feeling unsettled. There is one thing the enemy cannot counterfeit and that is PEACE, because peace is His presence, and the enemy isn’t God.

HEART SPLINTERS

Have you ever taken a splinter out of a child’s finger? You surely do not want to do it in public! They yell and scream and act like you are cutting off their finger. But once it is out, they run off and play like nothing happened.

Have you ever tried to remove a heart splinter that has been stuck for years and years from an adult? While they may have a smile on their face, they will protect that wounded site at all costs. Even attempting to touch it will cause pain, as the tiny splinter now has a blanket of inflammation and infection around it. Can you see the difference between how a child deals with the pain versus a grown adult?

Childhood hurts can turn into adult-sized wounds. Childhood lies can turn into adult strongholds. Childhood offenses can turn into adult bitterness.

The goal is to remove the owie before it becomes a life-threatening spiritual wound! This deserves a loud, “AMEN!”

What does a child with a splinter in their heart look like? They act out, scream, yell, disobey, pinch, hit, kick, cause trouble with siblings, have nightmares, cry, are rude, are mean and are disrespectful! This is why it is so vital to raise up parents who can discern what is going on beneath the surface of their child’s outbursts. You are the one who knows what is normal for your child. You are the one who knows when they are acting out from being hungry, tired, or when it appears “out of the blue”. You have known their cry since they were first ushered into your arms. You are the one God entrusted to listen to them. You are their mama/daddy, their advocate, their teacher and helper!

Not all of their ‘bad’ behavior deserves discipline. Sometimes it is their heart screaming in pain and they need compassion and tenderness.

JOY RETURNS

I promise you this is true, but more so He promises it.

Psalms 30:1-5 (MSG) – “I give you all the credit, God – you got me out of that mess, you didn’t let my foes gloat. God, my God, I yelled for help and you put me together. God, you pulled me out of the grave, gave me another chance at life when I was down-and-out. All you saints! Sing your hearts out to God! Thank him to his face! He gets angry once in a while, but across a lifetime there is only love. The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter.”

ON GOD’S SIDE

I am not one to run from God; in fact, I run to Him in my times of trouble and distress. He has always been my safety pole, and I hold on for dear life.

When my husband first left, I had a gross picture in my mind of Jesus sitting on a rock holding both of us on each knee. He had this perma grin smile on His face looking back and forth and us. It was gross. I began to feel this deep disgust coming over my heart toward God, and it scared me because I usually do run TO HIM, not from Him.

I called a mentor and confessed that I was worried my heart was growing hardened with God. If God loved him, I am not sure God was safe and that I wanted to trust my heart to Him anymore. She said, “Oh no, Lisa. God loves him deeply as He created him. He is passionate about him, but God is not on either of your sides. He is ONLY on the side of righteousness.” And with that something slapped back into alignment deep in my heart and I craved whatever was righteous. It shaped the outcome of my divorce and every decision I made (I didn’t turn into a doormat, but I filtered everything through ‘what does righteousness look like in this situation?’).

NOVOCAIN

Novocain – drug used to decrease pain.

We all know what pain killers are and we gladly volunteer for it at the doctor’s office. It makes sense why someone would not want to endure a dental procedure without it. Why would you?

It also makes sense why people would want Novocain to dull the pain when going through a divorce, but I strongly encourage you to forgo the pain management and let it hurt.

Such unusual counsel, I know! Let me explain.

Novocain during a divorce looks like: sex, alcohol, shopping sprees, dressing revealing, chat rooms, porn sites, casual sex, social media addiction, endless eating, gambling, dressing like a teen, buying a sports car and on and on.

So why do I strongly encourage you to forgo the pain management and let it hurt? While those things may numb or dull your pain for the moment, when they wear off, the pain will only INCREASE! Some discomfort is meant to be felt SO THAT true healing can occur. If we walked around drugged all the time, we wouldn’t be able to discern when our fingers are touching a hot stove, or our stomach is producing pangs out of hunger.

Whatever pain you are feeling from your situation, it is there for a reason and God wants room and time to HEAL the pain, not just make it go away. Failure to do so means you will only carry the covered over pain into the next relationship and God bless the man or woman that touches that scab. It is why second marriages have such a low success rate.

The best thing you can do for yourself is let it hurt and get that pain all out. God will meet you as you seek Him. I promise you; it will not last forever. You are not trapped in pain forever. The enemy wants you to think that you are dying of emotional distress and therefore need to medicate your soul, but the truth is, the only way to lessen the pain is to FEEL IT.

I want to give testimony that the peace, joy, and wholeness on the other side is full of lush fruit one cannot birth through painkillers and numbing agents. I think one of the hardest things is to see your life partner moving on so quickly but trust me (oh, please trust me) when I say there is nothing to be jealous of when someone has to clean up another person’s mess. You are doing your heart, children, and future a massive favor by allowing the healing process to occur.

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling.

It is not okay that someone didn’t treat your heart the way God intended.

It makes me angry that you and your children are having to walk this out right now.

You deserve to be loved, honored and cherished.