This is going to be a HUGE key for many parents!
From a very early age, I could feel resistance with one of my daughters. I figured it was a generational thing and have intentionally gone after her heart. I would find myself saying YES to the others with ease, but my heart was hesitant and I always wanted to say NO to her. It made no sense to me, but I could feel it. She agitated me in a way the others didn’t, yet she wasn’t really doing anything in the natural to warrant it. It was awful to admit because it felt like maybe I even liked her less than the others. I didn’t, but the resistance always made me feel like I was subtly rejecting my own child.
A few weeks ago God revealed this to me through someone else and I rushed home to share it with my daughter. She cried and began to tell me that she felt it too and even when we would go on dates she felt like she couldn’t get close to me. We walked through what this looked like between us and have had such breakthrough.
It looks like this:
When there is control-based parenting the child responds in one of two ways.
#1. They feel resistance, anger, and/or have hate or murder in their heart (which doesn’t mean death, but can ‘kill’ you with their words). These children then partner with the spirit of REBELLION in their hearts. This can be outward or inward rebellion.
#2. The other child feels hurt, isolated, withdrawn, unworthy, like a victim and helpless when faced with a controlling parent and they partner with a spirit of REJECTION.
The problem is that when the parent feels the spirit of rebellion or rejection coming from the child it makes them increase their control. A crazy cycle begins in which neither the parent or child are really seeing/responding to the other person but rather the two spirits of control and rebellion/rejection are having a hay day! Connection, love and unity go right out the window.
My daughter was partnering with a spirit of rejection and I CAN’T STAND the spirit of rejection. My daughter wasn’t agitating me, the spirit was. Once she began to partner with that spirit no matter what I would say she would feel hurt and rejected which drove me up a wall (in all honesty).
I did use more control based parenting until she was around five years old when I discovered Holy Spirit. But I think it has more to do with how opposite we are. She is my dancing, joyful, giddy, silly, talk a mile a minute, always wanting to create things, bake things, make a mess with paints, glitter and glue kid. I am busy, serious, don’t like messes and have little appreciation for creative arts. Neither of us are wrong, but because I am the adult she was feeling controlled by my repetitive ‘no’ answers and not giving her more freedom to be her. The cycle had gone on for so long it began to feel normal.
It is easier to partner with control when they are younger, but once the spirit of rebellion and rejection are in motion, it is the tween and teen years where the ‘fruit’ of that parenting really begins to reveal itself in the child. Since the spirit of rebellion and rejection have a legal right to be there they influence the child to behave and make choices that only further the parents drive for control. Obviously, rebellion and rejection are not what we want to introduce our children to. We are the ones to break the cycle!
Praise God for this incredible revelation and tool so that we can break free from the enemy’s tools of control, rebellion and rejection and we can walk in freedom and connection.
If this sounds like something that you are experiencing with one of your children I encourage you to spend time with Holy Spirit talking to Him about it. If you need to repent do that first.
Set a date with your child (mine was out on the driveway while the other kids were inside). Fill their love tank for a few minutes first as a filled tank always lowers the walls and makes hard conversations easier.
Explain to them that God loves them so much and has shown you an area that you need to change (this makes them feel secure that God has their back, too).
I drew a figure 8 and showed her how the crazy cycle went around and around and how we both played our roles. I asked her to please forgive me for making her feel controlled. I also helped her walked through asking Jesus for forgiveness for partnering with the lie and spirit of rejection. We hugged and cried and allowed for Holy Spirit to heal without words for a while. We then tasted the new fruit in the days to come. I also called a family meeting and made sure everyone was aware of the cycle. We agreed that when they were feeling controlled or I was seeing the rebellion/rejection that we could call out a special code to signal we were partnering with it again.
I also want to add that children can control their parents causing parents to partner with rebellion and rejection, too. This can also be a dynamic with siblings where one is controlling another. If you had a controlling parent ask Holy Spirit if you are still allowing the spirit of rebellion or rejection to influence you today. Spirits don’t leave us just because we move out of the house.
This is NOT a reflection of you being a bad parent, but rather a reflection of the enemy and what he does best – kill, steal and destroy – in this case, the connection with our children. Don’t allow him to put the blame back on you. It is okay to get mad that many of us come under this, but use the anger to rise up in your authority and break the cycle.
Ask Holy Spirit what keys He wants you to use with your child to repair the connection.
Thank you Father for being a perfect parent and helping us along the way!